Saturday, June 28, 2014

Goals

Me before an audition on 6/26/14

My life is pretty surreal.  Basically, I get to play dress up for a living and it's usually really fun.  The other day I had one of those crazy days where I had so much going on and, magically, it not only all worked out, I even got to my job early that night.  I'm an actor so I audition all the time and I always say that it's like playing charades with strangers.  I get a text and an email saying where to go and who I'm supposed to be and then I put on the appropriate outfit and go act out scenes on camera mostly with people I have never met.  It's a trip.  Living the dream, isn't that what they say?
     I have to remember how much crazy, fun, exciting stuff I do and have done so when the slow times happen I don't get bored or feel useless.  I basically moved to LA because I wanted to be on TV and that's exactly what happened.  I had already done some commercials and a few other acting gigs in NYC but I decided that I would make the move out west and join the modern day Gold Rush and pursue a career in Hollywood.  I got an agent, started auditioning, booked a few gigs and then I got a crazy phone call out of the blue.  My friend Adrienne called to say that the TV show LA Ink needed a shop manager right away and asked if I could come down and meet Kat Von D at High Voltage Tattoo ASAP.
     Strangely, I had so many connections with Kat but I had never even been in the same room with her and, honestly, don't even really know who she was.  I had seen the billboards all over town for LA Ink but they made everyone look rockabilly and I didn't really know what they were for - I mean, I got that it was a show but I never really looked into it.  When Adrienne called I was working a temporary job downtown for a fashion show room, just filling in for market week and I was all dressed up in a wild fashion style wearing my favorite Ann Demeulemesster sweater.  I thought that I didn't really look suited to work at a tattoo shop even though under my outfit I was covered in tattoos.  When I got to the shop the 1st thing Kat said to my was that she loved my outfit - we got along immediately and I started working at the shop and on the show a few days later.
     A lot of magical things happened when I made the decision to move to LA.  For a while I was very wishy-washy about the whole thing, I kept asking people if I "should" move out here but I was unsure.  The moment I made the definite decision to go for it the universe helped push me along and a series of doors opened up for me.  Crazy how that happens.  They say that the whole universe conspires to help you when you really know what it is that you want out of life.  I'd say that's pretty true.
     I was bar tending in NYC and I really didn't want to do it anymore in LA.  It was super fun and lucrative but I just didn't want to be up all night in loud clubs anymore.  I was also DJing from time to time and I still really enjoyed that.  I decided that I still wanted to DJ but I didn't want to work in clubs and even as I was thinking that I was wondering how that could ever happen.  Well,  I ended up DJing for photographer David LaChapelle, who had recently moved his studio to Los Angeles, for all his big photo shoots.  For the most part the shoots were during the day and they were super fun and lucrative!  Somehow, I had manifested that job even though when I had said my goals out loud I didn't really know how they would happen.  I did that for about 2 years and a bevy of well know folks moseyed through LaChapelle Land while I was there - Paris & Nicky Hilton, Courtney Love, Betsey Johnson, Christina Aguilera and, of course, Pam Anderson.
     When you make goals and are firm about your decisions you'll realize that most of them are actually achievable - even the ones that seem outlandish and impossible.  You also have to be open to where your journey leads you.  I had no clue or desire even to work in a tattoo shop even though, obviously, I love tattoos and had spent a lot of time in tattoo shops.  Still, it never was something that I thought would happen and yet working at High Voltage with Kat and our whole awesome crew has been the best job that I have ever had in my life and it has lead to so many other things.  Realizing that I had ended up here because of who I am and not in spite of it was a real turning point in my life.  I never have to hide or disguise who I am to get where I want to be in life.  In fact, it's quite the opposite -  stay true to yourself and amazing things will happen.
      













Thursday, June 19, 2014

Ego


Et in Arcadia ego by Guercino, 1618 - 1622

My ego wants to kill me!  I can know and feel something so well and along comes my horrid ego rearing it's ugly head and shattering all my beliefs and knowledge.  I was not happy for the last year or so of my last relationship.  It wasn't as if I was relying solely on my ex to supply all of my happiness, I was completely whole and content when I met him.  My life was full and fabulous and he was like the cherry on top - not necessary for survival but a delicious treat that was a delightful bonus.  Yet, now that it's really over my ego wants me to believe that I failed and that all my hopes and dreams are shattered forever.  My ego wants to cling to some idealized and false version of what was really happening so that now I must suffer and sulk.
     It saddened me to think, at times, that I was about to embark on a lifetime path with someone who was incapable or unwilling to show me the affection and intimacy that I crave and desire.  I understand that, at times, I have an unrealistic and inflated idea of what romantic love is supposed to be, but underneath all that Hollywood romance shit was a genuine desire to feel special, to feel loved.  If the person you are about to marry doesn't even make you feel slightly special and important then, I suppose, marriage isn't the ideal outcome.  I knew all of that, I felt it deep down yet now almost 2 months after the break-up my ego has me suffering and longing for something that never was.
     Each one of us is the star in our own movie about our life.  Because of that literally nothing that another person does in life is about you, it's about them.  The ego has a different way of thinking about things.  The ego wants us to believe that the entire world revolves around us and therefore each and every thing that happens is about us.  This causes tremendous pain and can make something as innocent and as random as an Instagram picture the source of gut wrenching emotion.
     So, what is the solution?  How does one kill the ego before it kills us itself?  I wish I knew a very specific and exact answer to that.  I know for sure (even though I haven't been doing very well at practicing it) that gratitude shuts ego the fuck up.  Being grateful for the things that I DO have and not pining away for the things that I DON'T have causes serenity and peace.  As I've said before, I live in Hollywood and pretty much have created my own life to lead and, for the most part, it's pretty exciting and filled with love.  So, why then must my ego claw it's way into my psyche to destroy the beautiful picture I have painted of myself?!  Perhaps recognizing that this is what is happening is also a major step in ending the ego driven madness.  Maybe our main task in life is to become our own hero to rescue ourselves from and slay the ferocious fire-breathing dragon that wants to kill us.  I can write my own fairy tale and in it love from me to me is what will save the day.








Saturday, June 14, 2014

Love

Tonight at John & Rafal's wedding at Soho House, LA.

Yesterday, two people told me I looked light - like I was exuding light or had an aura of lightness around me. This was great news to me considering I have been having a tough time lately on the emotional front.  I did feel pretty great yesterday - I got up at 5:30am for a 6:45am photo shoot with the infectiously giggly Kristina McManus, took a cat nap with my doggies, had a lovely lunch date and then went to spin class. All in all, a perfect day. I hadn't even realized, though, that some of the darkness I had been carrying around had dissipated.  Being busy & productive is a great way to get out of your own head. I have always had trouble with the down time, the quieter moments. I judge myself harshly when I'm not crazy busy like, somehow, I have failed at everything. I'm trying to learn to be ok no matter what is going on, to be ok with simply being at times.
    I have been thinking a lot about love lately.  All the authors, poets, artists, singers, philosophers and teachers that I am attracted to say that the purpose of life is love.  What I have realized, though, is that the purpose is not to be loved, but to be love itself.  Radiating love from the inside out and projecting that onto your surroundings not only transforms self, it transforms the world around you.  After all, we see the world through our projections so whatever we are thinking and feeling is what we will see.  To truly be in a state where you love and appreciate and are grateful for all that is around you seems to be the highest state of being that there is.  Easier said than done.
     I know, for me, I felt so harshly judged by the world that I internalized that judgement and then projected it back out onto society.  I disliked things and people that weren't like me and for a while in my youth it served as a means of protecting myself.  Now, I realize that diversity is beautiful and I appreciate things that I do not quite understand and want to learn more about them.  Still, it's hard when there are people and groups out there who operate on a philosophy of hate and judgment - it's hard to rise above and love even them.
     Tonight, I had the amazing experience and privilege of being at the most beautiful wedding.  My two friends John & Raf were wed in the most intimate and loving ceremony surrounded by a small group of family and close friends.  I do not think I have ever cried so much at any event.  Not one tear was of sadness though, they were all tears of joy and celebration and the overwhelming presence of love that was so palpable it was impossible not to feel in that room.  There were numerous speeches by their loved ones and each one was touching and heartfelt and a testament to why this event was so meant to be.  This wedding wouldn't have been possible a few years back since it was between two men and was, until very recently, illegal.  Imagine, a gathering of people joined in the celebrating and supporting of the love of two people and the promise to help maintain that love and commitment was illegal because of the sex of the people involved!  When you witness an event like this it boggles the mind that anyone, anywhere could be offended or disgusted by it.  Two people loving each other is the most beautiful thing to witness and why on earth would it ever matter what sex those people are?!
     These two beautiful men have been very important to me this past year.  They have been the source of much fun, laughter and love and I feel so blessed to have them in my life.  They got engaged a few months before me and my ex got engaged and they both knew that we were proposing to each other at Xmas and kept the secret from each of us.  I thought for sure that they would be attending our wedding too.  This beautiful union that I witnessed tonight did not cause any bitterness or resentment for what I thought was also meant to be my future.  Instead, it fully restored my faith in love.  I am determined to keep pursuing love and to work on loving from the inside out.


   












Thursday, June 5, 2014

Be Here Now!

Cover of "Be Here Now" by Ram Dass

Someone asked me earlier today "what makes you happy?" I thought about it for a second and many things came to mind - spending time with friends, writing or creating anything, reading, being by the ocean, traveling, playing with my dogs, eating delicious food, working (most of the time).  When I thought about it some more I realized that what all of these things have in common is that they all are things enjoyed in the present moment.  Really, truly living in the now is what creates happiness.
     Most moments in life are actually alright.  Think about a day in life and you realize that very few moments are filled with actual pain.  Sure, there is emotional pain, and, often, it is hard to get out of.  Then, at times, there is physical pain as well.  But, when you add up all the moments in a 24 hr. period the ones filled with pain are really minuscule compared to the ones where everything is okay.  In fact, most emotional pain does not come from the actual moment.  Most emotional pain comes from regretting or re-living the past or worrying about the future.  One of the 1st things they try and teach you when you get sober through a 12 step group is to fully be present in the moment.  Sounds simple enough but it truly is one of the hardest things to do.
     Engaging with another person and being present for them is an amazing quality to have.  That's why people always remark when someone is a good listener.  It means that they truly hear the words you are saying and react to those words and not pre-plan a response in their head while you are talking.  It's impossible to be consumed with self or ego when you are truly listening to another soul speak.  That's also why if you are feeling down or depressed the best solution is to help someone else with their problems - there is always someone worse off than you (unless, you are presently being murdered then you are pretty much the worst off).
     Being by the ocean is one of those things that makes me instantly feel connected to nature and the moment I'm in.  The power and sound of the waves makes me feel so small but not in a depressing way.  Small as in a small piece of something far greater than myself like the grains of sand that I sit on when at the beach.   Small, but connected.  Each piece is just as important as the others and they all function together in a magical way.  Unfortunately, I'm not by the ocean often even though I live in Los Angeles.  Actually, I spent far more time by the ocean when I lived in NYC, go figure.
     Being in the now is especially hard in today's society.  We are constantly bombarded by distractions and noise.  Everything is designed to take you out of the moment and leave you longing for things that you don't have.  I'm guilty of being glued to my iPhone for hours a day and that is the exact opposite of being in the moment - it's a distraction from the moment and it takes you out of real life.  Really listening to another person and hearing their words is living in the moment.  Noticing the color of the sky or the shape of the clouds is living in the moment.  Actually observing the color and shapes and sounds of things around you is living in the moment.  Try doing these things as often as possible it's harder than you think.
     There's an old slogan that says, "If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future than you are pissing all over today."  I always thought that was super funny but it's also very poignant and true.  I realized that in the past 6 weeks I have been living in the now about 8% of my days, if that.  Going through a breakup really sent me into the space of re-living all the moments that are now long gone and also worrying about what is to be.  Realizing that that is the space I have been occupying was the 1st step in getting myself out of it.  Doing those things does me no good and also takes me out of the present so I cannot even see how much I have to be grateful for.  I live in Hollywood in huge 2 bedroom apartment with  2 dogs that are made of love and I have a kick-ass job.  Those are all gifts that I can appreciate in each and every waking moment.

A page from "Be Here Now'