"The Kiss" by Gustav Klimt, 1907
Love comes in many forms, sizes and shapes. Often, it comes at unexpected times and in unexpected ways. The problem I encountered for many, many years was comparing all of my relationships to the one that I had idealized the most in my memory. I was left unhappy and unsatisfied because nothing was ever exactly the same as that relationship again. The truth of the matter is that every relationship is different and even the ways that love is felt can be different with each person.
Some love is quiet and steady like a mountain stream and some love is wild and intense like an ocean at high tide. Some love is easy, breezy and beautiful and some love is tumultuous, tempestuous and tragic. Sometimes lust is misconstrued for love and sometimes real love is rejected out of fear. I think that deep, down inside we all know what is really good for us even if we cannot admit it when we are in it. All I know is that it should feel good and not be a constant source of pain. As obvious as that sounds a lot of people, myself included, have mistaken love for pain and tolerated much more than one should.
My last and longest long-term relationship was very easy and simple in the beginning. We hit it off, started dating and eased into a 4.5 year relationship. There was never any huge fireworks or rocket-blasting, train-racing-through-a-tunnel passion but it was nice and mostly loving, at first. I thought I finally knew what real love was. The other things I had experienced were more like lust in the dust - fast, cheap, and outta control but not lasting. The problem was that easy and simple turned into mundane and passion-less. I started to go to bed and wake up feeling very alone and unloved even though I was physically sleeping next to another person. I had resigned myself to spending the rest of my life with a man who was not warn and fuzzy and certainly not intimate on the level that I require.
After it ended I was dead set that I would not embark on any kind of relationship again, at least not for a long, long time. I also was completely aware that the purpose of that relationship was to teach me that I was, indeed, capable of sustaining and being involved in a long-term endeavor. I had never experienced that before and was beginning to think I was unlovable and incapable of long-term love. It didn't work out but it taught me a huge life lesson so essentially it was invaluable. That lesson trumped the immediate feelings of failure and shame that I experienced directly following the break-up.
Now, I have met someone quite unexpectedly that sent electric sparks throughout my entire being upon the very 1st kiss. My ex actually told me at one point that people in relationships don't make out with each other! WHAT??? Well, then who the fuck does? I mean, this coming from the guy that couldn't even lift his head off the couch to mutter a "hello" when I returned home from a long-ass day of work. My new boyfriend literally jumps up and runs to greet me with so much love in his being it almost makes me cry tears of joy. It's that feeling where all you can think about is making out and every kiss is as exciting as the 1st. Clearly, this is a different kind of love and the kind that I like a lot. Like I love it!
It's amazing to look at someone and see them beaming back at you with hearts in their eyes like a silly and cute emoji. Nothing feels better and I think that the me of today is open to receiving it and giving it back. My old self was closed off and scared and felt damaged and broken. Those days are long over now and the hills are alive with the sound of music (and NOT Lady Gaga's version!!) OK, I'm not THAT corny and/or gay but I am feeling very loved and loving and that's a pretty great place to reside.
For many reasons lately, including basic sanity, I'm trying my best to live in the moment. To not fall into the trap of wanting or thinking I need more than I have. The key to happiness is loving what you have and not always trying to get what you want. Of course, if you work hard, stay the course, persevere, and enjoy yourself oftentimes the things you want come along as well. The same goes for relationships - you don't NEED one to survive but it's like the cherry on top of a delicious sundae. Right now I'm blessed to have met a super sweet, loving and affectionate cherry and it just might be because I attracted a like-minded soul into my life. Yeah, I think I'll go with that!
