Happy?

Still from the 1980 film "9 to 5"

Happiness is a choice.  Or so they say.  I am fully aware that everything begins in the brain, our thoughts dictate our reality.  It's impossible to think a certain way and then feel a completely different way.  If you "know' that things will turn out badly then, most definitely, they will.  The problem is that you cannot simply think yourself into a certain state of being.  "The Secret" was wildly popular for a while which was basically just an updated version of "Creative Visualization" (another book that was popular in the 70's) and it talks about the power of our thoughts.  All of these thoughts require action though so it's not like you can sit on your couch, alone and think yourself happy, rich, sober, content - whatever it is you want to be.
     Sometimes, in the morning, before I'm even fully awake my brain starts reeling and spewing all kinds of negative thoughts.  Crazy how the 1st things I think of on certain days are insecurities, fears, judgments and other such negative nuggets.  I have to stop and consciously redirect my thoughts and energies in the opposite direction.  This isn't to say that I don't wake up in a peaceful or joyous mood too but on those days I simple leap out of bed and skip to the kitchen followed by a cartoon trail of birds and butterflies like the Lily Tomlin scene in "9 To 5" when she's about to poison her bosses coffee.  When I do make the point of stating my intentions upon awakening - to myself or the universe or my dogs or whoever else is listening - and direct my thoughts into having a happy, productive and/or lucrative day then, usually, that's exactly what happens.  Of course, I have to remember those intentions and get back on course if I'm thwarted by stress or negativity at any point later.
     I am also drawn to sadness and melancholia though, I always have been.  I've always had an interest and appreciation for things that are dark and moody.  Perhaps it's healthy to explore those options too as long as there is a balance and you don't reside full-time in that world.  I think it's natural to be attracted to all types of feelings and moods.  Certainly, you've all met someone who is 110% happy and upbeat at all times and it seems really phony if not down right scary.  Maybe some of those people know the actual "secret" and really live in that elated, positive space always.  Or, perhaps, they are mostly sociopaths that are incapable of seeing all the torture and injustice that is perpetually happening all over the world.  Is ignorance really bliss?
     Like I said earlier it's important to have a positive outlook on life but it's equally important to take the steps it requires to really, fully create a life that is filled with joy and serenity.  I tried for years to think myself sober and every time I woke up sick, alone and afraid I would tell myself "never again!!!" and within a few hours I'd be off to the races.  It was a horrible cycle that didn't get broken until I admitted I had a problem and then asked people to help me stop killing myself.  Once I set the action in motion I was actually able to achieve what I had desired to do for so long but was incapable of.
    Anyway, the next time someone says to you "don't worry, be happy" you can punch them in the throat and then laugh to yourself about what a great feeling that was.  Balance. Now that is happiness!

Flying

"Starry Night" by Van Gogh

When I was a really little boy I could fly.  Several nights a week right as I was drifting off into dreamland I would feel my bed vibrate and pulse and my bedroom ceiling would open up wide and my bed would take off into the night sky, sheets flapping in the wind.  I would ride the bed like I was on the helm of ship riding the ocean waves.  I would look down and around and see my house and my whole town from above and it was magical and magnificent.  Then I would wake up in the morning usually forgetting it had even happened.
     I never told anyone or talked about it, it didn't seem unusual or abnormal to me and it really never occurred to me to discuss it.  Little kids are tapped into a deeper realm than adults and there is a definite sense of wonder and magic in their lives.  That is, until real problems happen and the magic gets tucked away deeper and deeper until it's just a small kernel, practically unreachable, buried within.
     The flying stopped when my parents got divorced.  That is not to say that my life was 100% idyllic before that but the reality of my Dad physically walking away marked a huge change in my life and me.  I did not handle it well.  I was physically sick for a week, throwing up and nauseous and a part of me never really recovered from that time.  Later on in middle school I even developed this phantom stomach illness that would leave me doubled over in crippling pain and yet the doctors could never figure out what was wrong.  It is so clear to me know that it was stress and that the stomach region is where I tend to carry and store all of my lovely stress.
     I have experienced a sensation similar to the flying one later in life but only a few times.  The 1st time was at a yoga class in college that I begrudgingly took to fulfill my gym quota.  We were lying flat on our back at the end of class for the meditation portion.  The teacher was gently coaxing us - relax your toes, relax the arches of your feet, relax your ankles - slowly going through the entire body. When she got to the tops of our heads I felt this crazy vibration as if the entire room was spinning really fast around me as I floated completely still in the middle.   It was an unusual sensation that was almost scary for a second until I just went with it.  My eyes were closed but all of a sudden I saw myself from above and then from below and it was as if there were 2 of me and I didn't know which was the real me.  After it was over and the teacher beckoned for us to return to our bodies and wiggle our fingers and toes I had the sensation that I was in a full body cast and when I wiggled it crumbled around me and left me feeling renewed.
     So, it is possible to get back to the magic in life!  For me when life becomes too dull and routine I crave something deeper, something mystical and magical to show me that life can still be wondrous and enchanting.  Another time meditating at home I was able to tap into that vibration again, just me on my floor with the world pulsing and vibrating all around my stillness.  I'm not really sure what that sensation is or how exactly to make it happen but I am comforted knowing that there is so much more out there to discover and that, perhaps, real magic exists.

Dating!?!

Before I met my ex I made a valiant attempt at dating.  The experiences I had bordered on the ridiculous and absurd. Each date was more comical than the last until it got to the point where someone even called to "break up" with me before we had ever hung out! It was like an absurdist Theater Of The Ridiculous cosmic joke.
     I met one guy while out dancing and we had a total Jennifer Grey & Patrick Swayze moment on the dance floor. We exchanged numbers and I followed through with a call the next day (so not LA to actually call). We spent so long on the phone that my iPhone battery was in the red and then, out of the blue, he said he had to go because he had to pick up his boyfriend at the airport. Really? REALLY!  All I could do was laugh at that point.  I totally threw in the towel realizing I just wasn't cut out for the whole dating world. No thank you.
     Of course, this is precisely when I met my ex and entered into the longest and best relationship I have ever had.  It wasn't only because I had stopped looking it was because I was whole and complete on my own and really loving my life - that's what made me attractive to another man.  That's also why just recently I met someone at an exercise class when the last thing I was expecting was a connection. It took me by surprise and it was fun and spontaneous and there was an instant attraction between us. We spent one great night together and we should have simply left it at that.  Some moments and connections are fleeting especially ones that begin with lust.  That animal attraction usually does not have staying power and it has nothing to do with the personalities and brains of the parties involved - it's some sort of pheromone hypnosis that carries you away on a wave of excitement.  Of course, we did not leave it at that.
     I let myself fantasize and drift away on the words of a sweet talker that was saying all the right things and making me feel so wanted.  Normally, the things he was saying would have had me running to the hills especially since we had only had one "date."  It was all too good to be true and too much too soon.  The fact of the matter is I wanted to believe in the possibility of love happening so unexpectedly and I am clearly vulnerable after going through all the crap that I have gone through this year.  I was thinking that it could be a fun romance filled with adventure since he doesn't even live in LA - another sign for me.
     You can all see clearly where this going by now, I'm sure.  We made plans to spend a glorious weekend together and I took several days off work and made reservations at a chic and romantic restaurant.  I thought "why the fuck don't I take a risk?  I'm a grown ass man, crazier things have happened.  What's the worst that can transpire in a few days?"  We were texting like crazy and having long and lovely conversations on the phone at night.  Seemed like there was a genuine connection happening.  And then I could just sense that things had changed.  Radio silence - the worst kind of dead air.  And then came the texts..."I'm not ready for a relationship, my mind isn't in the right place, I don't want to pull you into my mess..."  THERE IT IS!  I got dumped before we were even dating.  How does that even happen?!  I thought we were planning a fun, off-the-cuff weekend I didn't think we were picking out china patterns.
     Again, all I can do is laugh - well, after a series of woe-is-me texts to my besties, I chuckled - I'm not a saint for chrissakes!  All I know for sure is that I refuse to give up on love and I hope that the next time I meet someone spontaneously it lasts for more than one night.  At least two, please.
    For now I'll just listen to some Led Zeppelin and get lost in a rock-n-roll fantasy of scouring the far corners of the globe for my perfect match...

Going to ramble on, sing my song. Gotta keep-a-searching for my baby...

Going to work my way, round the world. I can't stop this feeling in my heart

Got to keep searching for my baby. I can't find my bluebird!