P.S I Love You

Photo by Sharon Ryan.

I had the privilege of spending 24 glorious hours in Palm Springs this past weekend.  No, I wasn't there for Stage Coach and no, I wasn't there for The White Party.  I was there for a much needed getaway with friends and some r & r.  There were 7 people, 5 dogs, an equal amount of outfit changes and a plethora of belly laugh.
     It's amazing how just 2 short hours away and you can feel as if you're in a completely different world. Palm Springs is nothing if not an amazing and totally wacky oasis in the desert.  For the most part the people and the decor are from a bygone Hollywood era and it's fabulous.  Kaftans, dashikis, and sequins abound and that was just my group! Apparently, every woman over a certain age that resides there was either in, at least, one old Hollywood movie or was a Playboy Playmate in the 60's, or 50's or 40's (if Playboy even existed then.)  It's an amazing sight to behold! I appreciate anyone who can pull a look together no matter what age they are. No housecoats or sweat pants for those ladies, bless their hearts.
     We were fortunate enough to go on a golf cart driven tour of Sunnylands - the over-the-top former estate of The Annenbergs. They were extremely wealthy publishing magnates, philanthropists, art collectors, and avid Republicans with a deep sense of nationalism. Whatever their politics their taste was exquisite and if you ever get the opportunity to visit their former 500 acre compound it's a must. Their furniture and art collection is mind blowing.  Van Goghs, Picassos, Monets, Cézannes - the list goes on. People throw around a lot of words like glamour and luxury these days but this place was the absolute definition of both. My soul felt uplifted just being in the presence of such grandeur. Luckily, The Annenbergs knew that art is good for the spirt which is why they donated most of their collection to The Met and their foundation keeps their estate preserved for guests to visit and enjoy.
     I only had a 24 hour window to escape LA in between working but, somehow, I felt like I was gone for days. Spending quality time with friends without being glued to Facebook makes every moment delicious and satisfying and, it seemed, as if the hours passed by slowly and lazily. For once time really was on our side.  As much as I hated to leave I felt like this mini-vacation really helped me to turn the page onto a new chapter of my life.  Thank you universe for putting such genuine and gorgeous people in my life.
     What a difference a day makes.

Under The Skin

Scarlett Johansson in "Under The Skin."

Imagine walking around all day pretending to be an alien from another planet or dimension.  I bet the conclusion you'd come to pretty quickly is that humans are a very strange and unusual species.  I just returned from an afternoon showing of the provocative and hauntingly beautiful "Under The Skin" starring Scarlett Johansson who gives a gorgeous and brilliant performance.  This is immediately what I was struck with.  There's a part in the beginning where there's an ant crawling on the hand of ScarJo's character and I instantly thought of the correlation between insects and humans.  Perhaps to an alien being humans would seem like ants busily scurrying to and fro all over the planet, marching methodically and over-crowding their surroundings.  The difference being that as humans we have created culture and technology that advances us as a species.  Or does it?

     It's no longer unusual to go out in public and see groups of people all together but completely isolated from each other.  I had dinner with a friend last week and at a nearby table of 6 each person was hunched over a "smart" phone with the hideous glare of electronic light making their faces ghostly and creepy.  We watched them for several minutes and not once did they speak to each other or look up from their phones.  I am guilty as charged as well of being glued to my phone but I have been trying to make a conscious effort to put it away in lieu of actual human communication.  Everyone is so "connected" through social media that, in reality, we are not connected at all.  In fact, we are becoming antisocial.

     The movie also brings up the question of what it is that makes us human.  ScarJo's character is an alien on earth and is trying to portray herself as human in the skin that she has borrowed.  Most of the film seems like we are looking through her eyes in wonder and awe at a world that is both devastatingly beautiful in nature and also chaotic and confusing in it's humanity.  Look at people and try to distance yourself for a minute and it's all so unusual - humans walking alone and talking on cellular devices, eating, smoking, drinking, & rushing around.  Where is everyone always going and why?  I bet if you transported your great, great, great grandmother to our time she would feel just as strange as the character in the movie.  But, don't we, too, feel just as strange here at times?  The irony is that we are alienating ourselves from each other and we all live on the same planet.

     We have been conditioned to believe that the things that matter are just that - things.  Your car and your watch should instantly let people know your status and tax bracket.  If you don't have the latest bag or shoe then you are not worthy.  I'm not saying it's bad to want nice things but perspective is very important.  Nothing on the outside is ever going to fulfill the insides after the "instant gratification" feeling wears off.  Everyone always finds out too late that in the end the only thing that really matters is love and relationships with other humans.  Cultivate friendships that are based on trust and love and exploring the world not based on your Facebook "likes."
     The world is still vast and filled with breathtaking nature, we haven't completely destroyed it yet.  There are great achievements by our race that make life magical and wonderful.  There is nothing better than setting your imagination on fire with a well crafted book, beautifully executed painting or visually stunning movie like "Under The Skin."  Put down your phone and get out there and explore and seek knowledge and understanding.  Ask questions and learn about things that we wouldn't even know existed if it weren't for our advanced technology.  And don't forget to hang out with your best friends and have a gut busting laugh as often as possible!

     

The Skin I'm In

    

 I am very blessed to have many friendships that have lasted over 20 years.  There are least a dozen people in my life that have been there for over 2 decades now - that's a pretty great track record.  I have been fortunate to know so many talented, creative, smart, beautiful, interesting people in my life.  I used to question why this was so.  When I was younger I could never understand why these people would be attracted to me.  I was not a typical kid and I was always treated like an outcast so I took on the identity of the outsider.  The loner, the rebel, the misfit - these were labels I became comfortable with.

     It never occurred to me that maybe the reason that interesting, creative types were drawn to me was because I was one of them too.  There were times when even in a big group of like minded people I felt alone.  All of this stems form low self-esteem and a negative self imagine.  I had experiences as a child that damaged me and because of that I decided that I, too, was damaged.  I felt very comfortable living in victim mode for many years.  This, ultimately,  lead me to want to escape my "self" and the best and easiest way to do that is through mind and mood altering substances.  Not to say that you can't be an addict if you were raised in idyllic surroundings but that's not my story.

     I'm completely convinced that I was already an alcoholic long before I ever picked up and booze or drugs.  I always wanted to escape reality and I was drawn toward devious behavior such as lying and stealing - those things made me feel like I had a dark secret that somehow made me stronger than others.  I was like a superhero but the ones from Bizarro World, the twisted version.  I always say that my addiction was like a Thanksgiving feast that was all laid out and ready to serve as soon as the turkey was done.  In my case, alcohol and drugs were the turkey and as soon as I reached for those things I was off to the races.
     Now, after many years of sobriety, lots of therapy and tons of hard work I appreciate and even love the person I am.  I am even grateful for all the shit I had to endure because it made me strong and resilient and able to conquer my demons.  I used to dress outrageously so that people would look at me and when they did I would sneer and throw daggers with my eyes.   Now, I dress up to feel good and express myself.  You can create a feeling or a mood with clothing and I think it should be fun to get dressed everyday - it's how you present yourself to the world.  No matter how I am dressed I always feel comfortable no matter what my surroundings because underneath the clothes I am comfortable in my own skin.  That's the difference from when I was younger.
     One night a few months back, I was standing on the curb waiting for a friend to pick me up.  This car pulled up to the light, its passengers 4 adults.  The guy in the front seat rolled down the window, looked at me and said "what are you dressed as?"  I looked at him and said in my normal voice "I''m dressed as myself."  He proceeded to say "well, you look horrible!"  I looked back at him and retorted "my, what a lovely thing to say to someone.  I bet your friends are so proud of you right now."
      It had been many years since someone had done the old yell-insults-out-the window-of -a-car trick to me and it seemed so out of place.  I live in Los Angeles, which is supposedly a modern, urban place - not exactly a conservative town.  Instead of making me go inward and feel sorry for myself, it actually made me more proud and happy to be me.  Thank god I don't have to be a grown ass man that needs to hurl insults at strangers in order to feel good about himself.  Someone whose world is so small and narrow could never have gorgeous, interesting, talented friends - like me!

What Is Love?

    

                                                    "The Two Fridas," 1939 by Krida Kahlo.

  What is true love? What is a soul-mate. Who is the "one?" Is there a one, a two, a three, or even a four? Is there a limit to the amount of times actual love presents itself to you?

Stranger Than Fiction

  

   There are many famous stories of mine that I am asked to re-tell over and over again.  Humorous, ridiculous, even fabulous anecdotes and experiences that I have had in my crazy life.  Some of my friends even know my stories by heart because they've heard them so many times, and, according to them they never cease to be funny.  Some of the magical & absurd situations I've found myself in you just couldn't make up. That's why I have decided to write them all down.   It's always been a fantasy of mine to write a book of non-fiction stories like David Sedaris or Chelsea Handler  and I'm determined to make that fantasy a reality.
     I have been fortunate enough to meet and befriend many amazingly talented, creative and beautiful people in my life and have even traveled the globe with some of them.  My Mom and stepdad lived in Mogadishu, Somalia - as in, a-country-in-Africa-most-people-barely-even-know-exists - for 2 years when I was a freshman in college.  I got to go there not once, but twice and the second time I lived there for the whole summer.  Not too typical a stay abroad.  Traveling is so important because it ignites the powers of perception and observation.  When you always walk or drive down the same streets you stop noticing things and it all becomes familiar and routine.  Try walking down the dirt "streets" of Mogadishu and I dare you not to notice how completely different everything is around you.  Being in an unfamiliar place forces you to rely on your senses in a more profound way.
     Several years back a group of 10 of my friends all planned and actually managed to go on an amazing trip to Costa Rica.  Most of my friends were coming from NY and I was flying from LA.  Somehow, I got the dates wrong and ended up arriving 3 days before all my friends were scheduled to get there.  It ended up being the biggest blessing.  I read 2 books and seemingly out of the blue got really motivated to write.  I started journaling and even penned my 1st story while sitting on a glorious beach, adjacent to the jungle, all by myself, no one around for miles.  I recently looked back on that journal and the thing that I wrote right before the story was "there's no reason why I couldn't be a published author, in fact, I'd be quite good at it."  That entry was dated 2/15/09 and I just now, this year, started writing down my stories again.
     The creative process has always been a bit of a struggle for me.  Finding motivation is usually pretty easy but the follow through is where I always get stuck.  Thus, the 5 year gap in writing.  Part of the reason I started this blog was to practice getting my words out there regularly and also, when I have a reason beyond myself to complete tasks I always step up.  Committing to a weekly blog and knowing that people may actually be reading this gives me the motivation to make sure I don't slack.  Funny, too, how just the act of putting words down on paper or on a computer screen makes me feel so much more in touch with myself and the world around me.
     I allude to some of the things that I am writing about in my book in this blog but the stories that I am compiling will still, mostly, be a surprise to people that don't know me well.  Also, I figure if I put it out there that I'm working on this project then you guys and the universe will hold me accountable for completing it.  The thing is that it feels so good to do that it doesn't even really matter  if anyone ever reads it - the act of completing it will be a victory for me and who knows how that feeling will color my future.


Top photo: Matt & I with the legendary Phyllis Diller taken on the magical day we got to spend at her house shortly before she passed away.

Make It Happen

   

  People put too much emphasis and expectation on numbers and years.  For instance, they say "2013 was the WORST year, good riddance," or "2014 is going to rock, I can't wait for it to get here."  I understand the ritual of the new year - saying goodbye to the old and welcoming the new, turning over a new leaf, wiping the slate clean, what have you.  But, really, it's like Janis Joplin said "it's all just the same fucking day, man!"
     I try to live my life with the philosophy that the best is yet to come.  Not to say that I'm not fully living in the moment and enjoying the now, but I never want to think that my glory days or golden years have already passed.  I want to believe that life keeps getting better and better and that there is always more to discover and experience.  I heard someone say once that happiness is always having something to look forward to - I love that.
     That being said I still fall into the trap of expecting or maybe hoping that the year to come is going to be prosperous and full of opportunity.  So far 2014 has been a slow moving year for me with seemingly nothing happening.  One of the many hats I wear is actor.  So far this year I've only had about  2 auditions, it's just slow for me.  There's not really much I can do to change that - it will turn around, it always does.  In the meantime, though, I often find myself waiting for opportunities to arise  and then feeling stuck when they don't.
     It's interesting how just a slight shift in energy can change all that.  A few weeks ago my fiancé and I had dinner with a good friend.  This friend is a hair hopper for a lot of celebs and pop stars and pretty connected with that whole world.  I thought I'd ask him if he knew of any modeling agencies that would be good for me - I had just done a print job that I had booked on my own and thought that I should be doing a lot more of that.  I haven't had an actual modeling agency since I moved to LA in 2005 but I've still managed to book quite a few modeling gigs.   Turns out one of his best friends owns a great agency and he said he'd send her my pics.  He did and I called her and now I have a meeting set up with them next week.   I suppose thats how "networking" really works.
     The other day I was at work at http://www.highvoltagetattoo.com and I was compiling an album on my iPad of all my best modeling pics to bring to my meeting (my old, janky portfolio is definitely not agent worthy.)  A woman walked in and I was prepared to talk to her about a tattoo idea when she asked me if I knew of any fully tattooed men that would be interested in a modeling gig.  My iPad with my modeling pics was literally in my hand and the screen was opened to that album.  I showed her my pics and she immediately had me email some to her so she could consult with the photographer.
     The woman is the amazing designer Julia Clancey http://www.juliaclancey.com and the photographer is the amazing Jen Starr http://www.jenstarrphoto.com. They emailed me back and a few days later we were shooting some awesome pics for Julia's jewelry line at Jen's all white oasis of an apartment in Hollywood. I was mostly naked and we had a total blast!!
     See how the slightest change in energy can make things happen? I haven't even met with the agency yet but I already booked a gig just from getting the ball rolling.  when you take steps toward any goal you move closer to achieving all your goals. The universe doesn't compartmentalize energy, once you tap into it in a positive way you move in a positive direction.  Essentially, you gotta make it happen!!

     So, since I started writing this I had my meeting with the agency and the women that run it are fabulous and they loved me.  They said some of my pictures reminded them of Tony Ward http://models.com/people/Tony-Ward - um, HELL yeah huge compliment.  I always thought that we should do a shoot together, just putting it out there.  Anyway, I now have an awesome print agent called M Model Management http://mmodelmanagement.com/home.html and it feels like a door opening!

PS I got Kate Bush tickets for 9/16/14, 6th row!!!

Top photo cred - Mario Testino http://www.mariotestino.com, can you tell which one is me?

Kate Bush

     Today seemed like a good day to start a blog.  It's something I've wanted to do for a while now and after receiving a rather exciting email this morning I thought "today is the day."  Yesterday was a crappy day both figuratively and literally.  I've had an upset stomach all week and I was having a real pity party about my whole life in general - often, I tend to get too inward when I'm not feeling well and I start judging myself harshly.
     After an entire day of feeling hopeless and unaccomplished I woke up to an email from Kate Bush! Well, not actually Kate Bush but an email from her fan site stating that she would be playing a series of shows this summer after a 35 year absence from the stage.  If you are asking yourself right now "who is Kate Bush?" please, I beg of you, PLEASE Google her, download her albums, look on the interweb - educate yourself to this mystical, musical master (http://www.katebush.com)!  After the shock of the news, and the fact that I'm a big enough nerd to be registered on her fan site, wore off I felt a strange feeling of elation and excitement and, well, hope.
     People always say that music saved their lives and I really, truly must concur.  As an awkward and strange, gay child growing up in upstate NY I didn't have much to identify with or look forward to.  Discovering music was like opening a magical Pandora's Box (not the drag queen) and riding on a magic carpet to amazing new places where there were like minded souls - and unicorns, of course!  When you "discover" a new band as a kid you feel like you have found the key to something special that no one else has.  Listening to an album for the 1st time makes you feel like you are the only person who has ever been lucky enough to hear these particular sounds.
     Kate Bush is a strange and magical creature.  She's the strangest kind of strange because she looks pretty normal but, in fact, is kookier that the kookiest.  She's kind of like the Marilyn Munster of music.  I use words like strange and kooky as a reverence because I LOVE the strange, the kooky, and the queer.  She found a way to express outwardly the swirl of kaleidoscopic emotions that I was feeling inside even though I was a far cry from an English, country girl with a seriously musical family.  That's the thing about music, it's universal.  Kate could play a heartbreaking melody on the piano and sing words that caused tears to spill and then switch to a braying donkey howling in possession.  Perfection!
     I even used to perform lip synch numbers of her songs when I was a young drag queen in NYC.  For a while I worked as a waitress at a place called Stingy Lulu's on St. Mark's Place in the East Village.  One time I was performing "Wuthering Heights" (a song Kate wrote at school when she was like 16 or something crazy like that) and I decided to run out the front door of the restaurant onto the icy, winter streets wearing a see-though, flow-y gown.  Right on queue I pressed myself up to the plate glass window from outside just in time to lip the words "Heathcliff, it's me -- Cathy. Come home.  I'm so cold.  Let me in-a-your window." The patrons of the restaurant went wild as I ran back inside, teetering on strappy-stilletos, onto the stage in time to finish the song!
    Some people don't "get" Kate Bush or they feel like she's too much of a girly, emotional singer.  She clearly didn't fit into the punk scene at all - I mean, she trained under Marcel Marceau and is probably the only person ever to make mime not detestable.  That being said her album "Hounds Of Love" is on every single list ever compiled of the best albums of all times.  I would have to say that "Running Up That Hill (A Deal With God)" is the most perfect song ever written, or one of them at least.  Personally, her album "The Dreaming" is my favorite because it is, well, the weirdest one.
     The tickets for her upcoming 15 shows in London have not even gone on sale yet.  She does not travel and most likely will never play in the US.  I may not even be lucky enough to score any tickets for those gigs.  The idea that she's playing and the possibility that I may actually see the only living idol of mine left that I have not seen live yet fills me with hope.  Just receiving that email alone gave me the nudge I needed to realize that life is a grand and awesome journey.  Music really does save lives.  It sure saves mine.