High Voltage

Many of you probably already have heard the terrible news that my beautiful home away from home High Voltage Tattoo caught on fire at 4am on Thursday morning.  I had closed up the shop on Wed night around 10:30, turned off all the lights, had one last look then set the alarm and locked the door. All was peaceful and calm and, I assumed, I'd be back in the morning to do it all again.  That's not quite how it went down.  I had slept a little later than usual since I closed the night before and caught up on all my work so I thought I'd saunter in a tad later than usual.  When I woke up and checked my phone I had 14 missed calls from a bunch of my co-workers and I knew something was up.  When I got Adrienne on the phone she sounded very somber and said "you haven't heard?" what she said next floored me.  High Voltage had burned down.  Stunned.  Paralyzed.  In shock.

     I got up and went over there as fast as I could and it was all really happening, this was a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from.  The fire started in the back corner of Kat's beautiful office in an area that there really isn't much going on.  It had to be some kind of electrical thing but whatever it was the fire consumed the whole back wall of the shop and even burned a hole clean through the ceiling so you could see the sky from inside Kat's office.  The 1st thing I noticed when I entered the parking lot was the beautiful and charred frame of what was once a gorgeous Kevin Llewellyn painting - an piece of art that I looked at almost daily for many years and was so engrained in the visual landscape of the shop that I never in a million years would have thought it would be gone.  The silver lining here is that no one was hurt since it was 4am.  I absolutely have to look for positive things to grab onto like a giant bouquet of helium balloons that will lift me outta the charred remains of so much love and labour lost.

     I somberly walked through the darkened shop and it was eerie, depressing and felt like a toxic wasteland.  Everything was covered in soot and smoke damage, there were puddles on the floor and the outlines of all the art and guitars on the walls from where the fire fighters had removed them.  Kat's office is pretty much destroyed but the rest of the shop is structurally in tact albeit visually ruined.  It was both better and worse than I had imagined if that makes any sense.  When I heard that HVT had burned down I assumed the entire building was gone.  When I heard it was just the back I naively assumed that the main shop would be untouched - I hadn't accounted for all the water and soot.  Luckily, this is my 1st and hopefully last experience with fires.

     High Voltage has been much more than a job to me these past 6 + years.  The people I work with are much more than co-woekers, they are family.  We have all been so blessed to work and hang out in an environment that is so cool and unique.  Kat, no matter how the salacious media portrays her, is one of the most generous and talented people I have ever met in my life.  The shop is her baby, her life and you can tell when you walk in that all her blood, sweat, tears and love have gone into every piece of it.  The 1st comment most people make about the shop when they walk in is about how freaking beautiful it is and how different from a typical tattoo shop.  Kat sees things in a different way from most people - she is creativity incarnate and she gazes at the world with an artist's eye.  Even the way she takes an Instagram picture is on another level than most.  It is the most heartbreaking thinking about how she must feel during this ordeal.

     I never knew I'd end up working in a tattoo shop - especially one that was on TV.  When I walked into that door for the 1st time many years ago I felt pretty at home.  I had no idea what to expect the day I met Kat but stepping into her office for the 1st time I knew immediately that the person who created it was bad ass and that she was one of my peeps.  I also do not know what comes next.  I'm sure Kat will rebuild ASAP, could take weeks, could take months.  I'm still a bit in shock and on top of all that has gone down this week it is also my BDay today which, for me, is always a time of intense reelection.  Must be a scorpio thing.

     What I do know for sure is that these past years at High Voltage have been amazing and magical and I have made some of the greatest friends ever through working there.  I have made a big, extended family and for an only child that is kind of a big deal.  I certainly hope that HVT is back up and running really soon and is bolder and better than before.  Until then...?

Trust

Dance Around The Dove Of Peace, Picasso, 1961

Dr. Maya Angelou said “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”  I'd like to add that oftentimes people will tell you who they think they are or who they wish they were and, unfortunately, it is usually the opposite that is true.  People say "I'm loyal," "I'm trustworthy," "I'm honest," "I'm not a dick" and sometimes they say such things because they aspire to be that or because they think that you want to hear those words.  The people that really are all those things would never state it because they just are IT.  People that are walking the walk do not need to talk the talk the proof of who they are is in their actions.
     I met someone recently that I was instantly smitten with and we seemed to have an amazing energy and connection together.  We started hanging out and it immediately became a very regular occurrence.  I wish I had seen the whole scenario for what it really was which was simply an animal attraction, a sexual magnetism.  After all, we met on a gay hook-up app (yes, the gays have thought of everything when it comes to sex) and barely even knew each other's names before we we having a naked romp.  I broke one of my own main rules which is to never date someone that I met under such circumstances.  I mean, you never know when or where you will meet someone and have a connection but I wish to believe that the things that last usually come form something more orgainc than an iPhone ap.  The problem was he seemed to be instigating, or encouraging the whole "relationship" as much as I was.
     It was actually super fun at 1st and it really served to get me out of the sadness and hopelessness I was feeling from my major break-up with my fiancé a few months back.  I suppose the dictionary term for the whole thing would be "rebound" but love can surprise you by jumping out of any corner you may pass in life so I went for it.  The problem is that I wasn't listening to my insides which were screaming messages to me like some wailing Judas Priest song.  It felt too good to be true which always means it is and also it was making me crazy.  It became one of those scenarios where I was a total basket case until I got a call or text from him and when I did it was like the opium had set in and all was peaceful and calm.  But a drugged out peaceful and calm which, essentially, is fake.  All of that had nothing to do with him at all and 100% to do with me and my insides.  I was doing that alcoholic thing of expecting an outside source to make my insides feel OK.  That is never OK and never healthy and, ultimately, leaves me feeling more empty.  Those crazy "I-can't-function-without-you" feelings come from trying to force something to be something that it is not.  It's an emotional square peg round hole moment.
   Obviously, it all had to end and even if it wasn't him that actually said the words I would have eventually realized that I was poisoning myself and it was bound for disaster.  I'm more disappointed in me for letting myself go to that place that I hadn't been in years.  For not trusting my own gut and thus becoming suspicious and paranoid.  When I met my ex there was none of that craziness it just flowed and I figured I had finally found out what love really is - gentle and easy.   Hopefully, there is a middle ground between exploding fireworks and trains going off the rails through dark tunnels at 1000 mph and gentle, easy, breezy, beautiful romance.  Maybe there is someone out there that makes my heart skip a beat but also allows me to just be me in a loving and calm way.  I know that when all those weird insecurities and uncertainties start to bubble up it is usually a red flag and that's when acknowledging and actually listening to my inner voice becomes essential.
    People will always show you who they are but we also show ourselves and we always know deep down what is right and wrong for us.  The trick is to actually take the time to listen.  I suppose that's what I really need to do right here, right now is listen...

Moments Of Pleasure

Me outside The Hammersmith for Kate Bush on 9/16/14

There are moments, events in life that are so magical, so special that it seems the stars are actually shining down on you, the moon is actually in the seventh house and that Jupiter has actually aligned with Mars.  These moments make you fully and completely aware that there is something much bigger and more powerful than us mere mortals in charge.  These moments let you look into the face of God (if that's what you wish to call it) and make you truly believe in miracles.  I experienced such a moment on 9/16/14 when I had the privilege of seeing Kate Bush live in London.
     I bought my 1st Kate Bush record in 1985 and ever since that day I have dreamed of seeing her perform.  In fact, there really isn't any other living artist left on my list of  "must-see-before-I-die."  I'd literally seen all of my idols, heros, & icons except for her and, it seemed, like that would never be a possibility. The fact that she decided to do this series of shows after a 35 year absence from the stage is what inspired this blog in the 1st place.  Miraculously, I scored 2 tickets and my friend Linda from NYC excitedly agreed to make the pilgrimage to London with me.  Linda and I have been to many shows together since we met in 1992 and a lot of them inspire awe and envy when I tell people about them.  For instance, Linda got us tickets to see The Dead Can Dance at Town Hall in NYC in 1993 and we had front row center seats - it was pretty incredible.
     We were both so nervous the evening of the show that we arrived at the venue before 6pm and doors didn't even open until 6:15pm.  I mean, who ever arrives at a gig for doors opening?  Well, apparently, a lot of people for this special night because there was already a line out front & we were hardly the people that traveled the furthest. There were so many people from all over the world who like us, flew to London just for this show.  After maneuvering through the throngs at the merch counter we finally made our way to our seats and we both almost cried when we realized we were 2nd row, center. The 2nd best seats we had ever had! I knew the seats were good but what I didn't know is that they extended the stage and in doing so had removed the front 3 rows leaving us in the 2nd row. It was miraculous to say the least and perhaps it was some great reward for waiting 3 decades for that moment!
     When the show started Kate came onto the stage wearing all black, slowly, measuredly marching followed by a procession of singers/performers to the thunderous applause of an immediate full-house standing ovation. When she reached the center of the stage she faced the audience, smiled and outstretched her arms as if she were simultaneously hugging and receiving the love from the audience.  This was the 1st moment the tears started to flow and I'm assuming if I had turned around I wouldn't have seen a dry eye in the house. She was like a magical, lovable, earth-mother, witch and I wanted to leap onto the stage and squeeze her and never let go.  Of course, I'm not that crazy & not at all stalker-y so I stayed put but I practically could have reached out and touched her due to the proximity of our seats.  Thus began one of the most incredible, unique and profoundly, well,  Kate Bush-y performances I have ever seen.
     It would take far too many words to describe the entire show but I will say that not only did it not disappoint, it far surpassed what I had expected. It was music, theater, film, performance, poetry, magic - it was art at its purest and most complete form.  Her voice was incredible - strong, powerful, vulnerable, and chill inducing.  I cried no less than 4 times.  At the expected moments - "Running Up That Hill," & "Cloudbusting," but also during songs that have never before elicited that reaction - "Top Of The City," "Hello Earth" & "Nocturn."  She performed the entire 2nd side of her "Hounds of Love" album which has its own title - "The Ninth Wave."  It's a chilling, spooky, sad & joyous journey into the dark night of the soul and it sounds like theater, like a Greek tragedy set in the delirious mind of a drowning woman, it was always meant to be performed.
     When the interval (that's UK for intermission) started the show could easily have come to a complete end. Already at about 2 hours long had it ended there the entire, mesmerized audience would have gone home feeling fulfilled and complete yet there was still a whole other section coming that was over an hour long! Again, magic!  As if the show weren't enough there was another miraculous moment that took place.  Before the show Linda & I were reminiscing about all the enviable gigs we had been to together and for some reason she told me she'd never seen Annie Lennox live and would love to.  I told her about seeing the Eurythimcs in 1986 and also how I had seen Annie at The Apollo Theater in Harlem in 2003.  I told her about how the night at the Apollo had the most celebrities I had ever seen in attendance at a show and I wondered what other legendary musicians were coming to see Kate Bush?  Linda went to use the restroom and when she was returning to our seats it was obvious by her body language and demeanor that something incredible had happened.  Well, of course, it was Annie Lennox!!!!  She was in line in front of her for the ladies room looking gorgeous, radiant and ageless. The funniest part is that we had much better seats than she did.
     I'm trying my best to carry the beautiful energy and love from that show inside of me and to radiate it back out into the world - it was such an unbelievable experience that I want to hold it near and dear to my heart forever.  I doubt that anything will ever surpass that moment but then again I had no idea a moment like that would ever actually happen in my life.  I know for sure there will be more magic, more moments of pleasure, more music - there will probably be no more Kate Bush shows in store for me though.  When people ask me how the show was I say we went on a pilgrimage to find god and succeeded!

Small World

It's A Small World

I had the incredible experience of making amends to and re-connecting with 2 ex boyfriends this week - both with whom things ended painfully.  The 1st one's heart was crushed by me and with the 2nd one the tables were turned & I was devastated.  It all happened quite by chance, or not if you believe that everything happens the way it's supposed to.  I received a notice that my most recent ex had followed me on Instagram which means that he had to un-follow me 1st.  I sent him a text and asked what that was all about.  He told me he was bummed that I posted a few pics with my new beau  before I had told him I had a new beau.  Also, they used to work together and aren't quite fond of each other.  I had considered telling him but I decided that since he's my ex I don't really owe him any explanations about my current life.  We ended up having a great conversation anyway and he told me that the 1st guy he went on a date with after moving to NYC turned out to also be my ex!
     It was amazing that he choose to share that experience with me because I had thought about the ex ex guy several times over the years and wanted to reach out to him.  We had dated in the summer of 2004 which is when I had decided, for sure, that I was going to move to LA in Jan., 2005.  I thought we were casually seeing each-other but he, apparently, thought it was much more serious.  He was devastated by my moving announcement and we ended things in kind of an ugly way on the streets of the east village one afternoon.  I did really like him but there were other things going on too - I was sober for 4 years and he was on a plethora of prescription drugs that made sleeping with him at night like a horror movie.  He definitely had some demons to battle.
     Now that he was back in my mind I quickly went to my computer, found him on the interweb and sent him an email apologizing for how things ended and for being insensitive with his feelings.  He responded quickly saying it was great to hear from me and also apologized and told me he's been sober now for over a year.  Amazing.  I felt so light and free after clearing the air with him that I decided to do it again with yet another ex.
     I had met this boy, yes boy, at a club in LA that was way too young for me but we hit it off right away.  What I anticipated being a one-night stand ended up lasting for 6 months - 3 of which we spent breaking up and getting back together.  How did that ever happen?  That was NOT me, I never was the guy to go back for more punishment.  I mean, I never tried to hang out at restaurants or bars that I was fired from like some weird ex-employees I have encountered.  Usually, I'm a clean slate kinda guy.  For some reason I was strung out on the boy and couldn't function without him - that was an internal problem with me not him.  I have since realized that what I wanted and expected from him he could not give me because I couldn't even give those things to myself at the time.  A huge symptom of addiction is seeking outside yourself for things to fulfill your insides - drugs, booze, sex, shopping, gambling (basically, all the fun shit!).  It never really works though.
     So, I found the boy on Facebook, added him as a friend and now we, too, are talking via the interweb and, again, it feels amazing to clear the air.  At this point I only have fond memories of both of those guys because I really cared a lot for them.  The painful memories always subside, eventually, unless you have some sort of really deep PTSD that forces you to re-live the same moments over and over again - in that case they still perform lobotomies in Eastern Europe.
     The real lesson to learn here is that people never really go away unless they die and even then they can haunt you from the grave or the recesses of your mind or whatever it is you choose to believe in.  Someone can move to Hong Kong or Brooklyn and be physically out of sight but they still come creeping back into your psyche like that girl form The Ring.  This is why it's essential to not burn bridges and to not harbor resentments - those things only harm us, the person being resented doesn't feel a thing.
     I'm so happy that a seemingly negative moment with my most current ex lead me down this path of healing and closure.  You just never know how or when a message will be delivered to you.  Also, my next blog will be ALL about my experience seeing Kate Bush live next week in London.  If you've been paying attention here then you'll know that the announcement of her live shows is what inspired me to start this blog in the 1st place.  Over the moon I am!!!

Memory Lane

Me & Krylon on a rooftop in SF, 8/11/14

There are few things in life as magical as taking a walk down memory lane with an amazing old friend.  The shared experience of re-telling and re-living moments that you have in common opens doors inside that seem to transport you right back to those very moments.  It's almost as if your common history is more alive now than it was when it was happening - it's like watching the movie of your own life.  So quickly with old friends the conversation turns to funny, outrageous or even touching moments that you have lived together.

     I met my gorgeous, soul-sister friend Krylon in 1993 when I had started working at a popular East Village haunt called Stingy Lulu's.  I was fresh out of rehab (if you didn't go to rehab in the early 90's you were doing it wrong) and had recently moved back to NYC after staying at my Mom's in upstate, NY for a few months.  I was working as a cashier at a crunchy health food store when I ran into my friend Toni from college.  She was tending bar at Lulu's and asked me if I would be interested in being a waiter.  This was like the golden ticket for a post-grad, 22 year old in the city.  Waitering jobs were great money, all cash and always included tons of free food and drinks.  The catch 22 was that it was impossible to get a waiting job in NYC w/o a tons of NYC waiting experience but you couldn't get experience if no one would hire you - unless, of course, your friend was the bartender that was tight with the owners!

     After I got hired they quickly asked me if I ever did drag.  I had done some in the past for fun but my look at the time was more Kiss-meets-David-Bowie, androgynous, gender-fuck, glam!  I hadn't done much actual drag that included shaving everything and wearing a bra.  I loved getting dressed up though and I immediately said yes and thus the adventure began.  There was an amazing, melting-pot crew of queens that worked at Lulus and we tore it up inside and outside of that place.  We would stop what we were doing, ignore all our tables and put on shows in the middle of the restaurant and even on top of tables filled with peoples meals.  The wilder we were the more the crowd and owners loved us.

     Krylon and I quickly bonded and became instant friends.  All we would do was laugh and carry on.  I had this self appointed rule that I would never repeat the same exact look twice so I was always coming up with crazy new outfits & styles.  Krylon had this joke that I could blend a toaster into my hair and people would think it was real.  I always wore my wigs mid-way at the scalp and left my real hair out in front that way the hair line and part was always natural.  I could literally have a pink afro on and people would ask me if it was my real hair!  We joked about my hair everyday - the cheaper the wig the better and I always had so many bobby pins in my head that I could've picked the locks at Fort Knox.

     One night during my shift I called a drug dealer from the restaurant phone (cell phones were not in the picture in 1993) that would always meet you around the corner in a town car.  You'd hop in, they'd drive around the block while your transaction took place then drop you off near where they had picked you up.  I ran out the door of Lulu's, mid-shift, on a really busy night and sprinted like a gazelle across the street in stilettos.  Well, of course, my heel snapped off mid flight and came right off my shoe completely.  I snatched it up, hopped in the town car to get my stash then realized I had no back up pair and still had to work all night long.  When the car dropped me off I hobbled to the nearest bodega (deli, convenient store, whatever you happen to call them) and bought a huge roll of duct tape.  I got back to the restaurant and I taped that damn shoe and heel directly to my foot and ankle - I used so much tape that it was more sturdy than the shoes were to begin with.

     That particular night Krylon and I went out after work at 2am, closed down a local bar then went to an infamous after-hours club on Ave. B called Save The Robots.  We didn't get out of there until 9am which meant we were in our stilettos for at least 15 hours straight!  Even though I didn't have spare shoes I never, ever left the house in drag without a pair of sunglasses - 9am wasn't an unusual time to get home back then.  Ah, the folly of youth.

     Now, Krylon lives in SF and is an amazing band called Double Duchess and, basically looks exactly the same, if not better, than when we met as baby drag queens a jillion years ago.  It's a trip to think of how many lifetimes we each lead on this planet.  Krylon and I met 21 years ago and even though we don't see each other enough when we do it's the same as it was back then - except we are both super healthy and sober now.   I don't think any of us realized how magical that time was as it was happening.  Almost everyone that we knew and loved lived within a 10 block radius of each other in the East Village.  Now, we are all dispersed but the connections will forever be the same beautiful, loving, fun connections they were in the beginning.

Some of the Lulu's crew - Krylon and Me top left.

     

     

Living In The Eighties.

my 1st yr. at college, 1988

Growing up in Upstate, NY I didn't have the opportunity to see a tremendous amount of live music.  I did manage to see some really big bands at the time like Duran Duran and The Eurythmics and I even saw Crosby, Stills and Nash - all the freaks hung out together so there was a certain level of "hippie" music that was acceptable especially on lots of LSD.  My teenage self drew the line at The Grateful Dead and even though I really didn't know their music that much I detested them on principal.
     Of course, I went to tons of obligatory hardcore matinees at the local VFW halls and saw a million bands with acronyms like C.O.C., MDC, D.R.I., D.OA. but I really didn't love any of those bands and I kind of hated those shows.  I never really felt safe with the mosh pits swirling around me, especially in the mid-80's when they were pretty violent and punks had A LOT of sharp hardware on their jackets.  I was obsessed with The Butthole Surfers after I heard their genius cover of "American Woman" on the local college radio station and I got to see them at SUNY Buffalo in 1986 - it was a pretty life changing show.  They had 2 drummers, a topless gogo dancer with her head shaved like she was having chemo and her teeth coverered in tin foil, videos on loop of child birth superimposed with ants furiously crawling out of an ant hill and Gibby, the singer, was wearing a yellow, old lady, housedress and had his long hair sprayed straight up in the air about 2 feet tall.  I was hooked.
     Really, though, I was way more into dark wave and goth music and was obsessed with every band that was on the 4AD label at the time.  The Cocteau Twins, The Dead Can Dance, Clan Of Xymox, This Mortal Coil to name a few.  I was also into everything new wave and, of course, my all time favorite for life was and is Siouxsie & The Banshees.  These bands didn't really pop by Schenectady, NY at all though.
     Everything changed for me the second I went away to college though.  I went to an artsy state school called SUNY Purchase which was about an hour outside of NYC.  Suddenly, a whole world of live music and opportunities opened up for me and it was a magical time to say the least.  Within the course of my 1st year away at college I got to see a ton of my all time fav bands.  The Cocteau Twins and The Dead Can Dance played within the same week and I even managed to get front row seats for The Dead Can Dance!  I saw Skinny Puppy on Halloween night at Irving Plaza with NIN as an opening act, it was 1988.  The stoic NY crowd literally stood still, arms crossed for all of Nine In Nails set no one could care less at the time.
     The cherry on top of the giant, musical,  ice cream sundae was, of course, Siouxsie & The Banshees at Radio City Music Hall for their Peepshow tour just 6 days before my 18th Bday!!  I'll never forget that night and exactly how I looked.  I was so happy because my blue-black crimped hair came out perfect that day and it was never bigger than it was for that show.  I had on my favorite, vintage, paisley vest on top of all black, of course, tons of black eyeliner, and was wearing a collection of antique rosary beads that my goth-est friend had given me (stolen from her grandma.)  I bought the tickets for me and some friends the day they went on sale - back then you actually called the ticket line until you got through and placed your order over the phone if you weren't able to physically wait in line outside the venue.  I got us seats in row S which doesn't sound so bad until you realize that Radio City Music Hall is set up with rows AA - ZZ and then rows A - Z, essentially we were in row 45 with the balcony overhead so it seemed even farther away.  Before the show started I had met some over-the-top goth girls by the bathroom that liked my hair and thought I was really cute.  About 4 songs into the show they walked by my row and when they saw me they grabbed me and brought me all the way down to their seats which were smack dab in the center of row 4!!!!  I had the best night ever, I could almost touch Siouxsie.  The friends that I ditched were none too pleased and during the ride back to college you could cut the tension and silence with a knife - inside I was reeling though.  That show is forever etched in my memory.
     My friends at school and I also went to tons of shows at CBGB's and The Pyramid Club.  We'd all pile into my hatchback and get on the highway into NYC to see all the best/wildest local bands at the time.  We'd go to the East Village every time The Lunachicks, The Voluptuous Horror Of Karen Black or a little local band (at the time ) White Zombie played.  Those shows were so crazy and fun and I even ended up becoming friends with all 3 of those bands.  Back then the scene was so much smaller and if you looked outrageous, as we all did, and went to every show eventually you got to hang out with all your favorite bands.  I made some of my best, life-long friends at seedy, beer-soaked punk clubs.  Looking back I don't think anyone realized what a special time it was - we were all young and unencumbered by real life and auto-tune was yet to be the standard in most music.

Set list for the Siouxsie show, 1988

   

Happy?

Still from the 1980 film "9 to 5"

Happiness is a choice.  Or so they say.  I am fully aware that everything begins in the brain, our thoughts dictate our reality.  It's impossible to think a certain way and then feel a completely different way.  If you "know' that things will turn out badly then, most definitely, they will.  The problem is that you cannot simply think yourself into a certain state of being.  "The Secret" was wildly popular for a while which was basically just an updated version of "Creative Visualization" (another book that was popular in the 70's) and it talks about the power of our thoughts.  All of these thoughts require action though so it's not like you can sit on your couch, alone and think yourself happy, rich, sober, content - whatever it is you want to be.
     Sometimes, in the morning, before I'm even fully awake my brain starts reeling and spewing all kinds of negative thoughts.  Crazy how the 1st things I think of on certain days are insecurities, fears, judgments and other such negative nuggets.  I have to stop and consciously redirect my thoughts and energies in the opposite direction.  This isn't to say that I don't wake up in a peaceful or joyous mood too but on those days I simple leap out of bed and skip to the kitchen followed by a cartoon trail of birds and butterflies like the Lily Tomlin scene in "9 To 5" when she's about to poison her bosses coffee.  When I do make the point of stating my intentions upon awakening - to myself or the universe or my dogs or whoever else is listening - and direct my thoughts into having a happy, productive and/or lucrative day then, usually, that's exactly what happens.  Of course, I have to remember those intentions and get back on course if I'm thwarted by stress or negativity at any point later.
     I am also drawn to sadness and melancholia though, I always have been.  I've always had an interest and appreciation for things that are dark and moody.  Perhaps it's healthy to explore those options too as long as there is a balance and you don't reside full-time in that world.  I think it's natural to be attracted to all types of feelings and moods.  Certainly, you've all met someone who is 110% happy and upbeat at all times and it seems really phony if not down right scary.  Maybe some of those people know the actual "secret" and really live in that elated, positive space always.  Or, perhaps, they are mostly sociopaths that are incapable of seeing all the torture and injustice that is perpetually happening all over the world.  Is ignorance really bliss?
     Like I said earlier it's important to have a positive outlook on life but it's equally important to take the steps it requires to really, fully create a life that is filled with joy and serenity.  I tried for years to think myself sober and every time I woke up sick, alone and afraid I would tell myself "never again!!!" and within a few hours I'd be off to the races.  It was a horrible cycle that didn't get broken until I admitted I had a problem and then asked people to help me stop killing myself.  Once I set the action in motion I was actually able to achieve what I had desired to do for so long but was incapable of.
    Anyway, the next time someone says to you "don't worry, be happy" you can punch them in the throat and then laugh to yourself about what a great feeling that was.  Balance. Now that is happiness!