It saddened me to think, at times, that I was about to embark on a lifetime path with someone who was incapable or unwilling to show me the affection and intimacy that I crave and desire. I understand that, at times, I have an unrealistic and inflated idea of what romantic love is supposed to be, but underneath all that Hollywood romance shit was a genuine desire to feel special, to feel loved. If the person you are about to marry doesn't even make you feel slightly special and important then, I suppose, marriage isn't the ideal outcome. I knew all of that, I felt it deep down yet now almost 2 months after the break-up my ego has me suffering and longing for something that never was.
Each one of us is the star in our own movie about our life. Because of that literally nothing that another person does in life is about you, it's about them. The ego has a different way of thinking about things. The ego wants us to believe that the entire world revolves around us and therefore each and every thing that happens is about us. This causes tremendous pain and can make something as innocent and as random as an Instagram picture the source of gut wrenching emotion.
So, what is the solution? How does one kill the ego before it kills us itself? I wish I knew a very specific and exact answer to that. I know for sure (even though I haven't been doing very well at practicing it) that gratitude shuts ego the fuck up. Being grateful for the things that I DO have and not pining away for the things that I DON'T have causes serenity and peace. As I've said before, I live in Hollywood and pretty much have created my own life to lead and, for the most part, it's pretty exciting and filled with love. So, why then must my ego claw it's way into my psyche to destroy the beautiful picture I have painted of myself?! Perhaps recognizing that this is what is happening is also a major step in ending the ego driven madness. Maybe our main task in life is to become our own hero to rescue ourselves from and slay the ferocious fire-breathing dragon that wants to kill us. I can write my own fairy tale and in it love from me to me is what will save the day.
You wrote this ~ "Each one of us is the star in our own movie about our life. Because of that literally nothing that another person does in life is about you, it's about them." This is truth and poetry and in your face reality. xoxo
ReplyDeleteKim
Gerushia's New World
xoxo
ReplyDeletethe ego never goes away ,embrace who you are and if and when the moment comes ,know you are worthy and deserving of it
ReplyDeleteI feel some of it has to do with the entire consciousness of reality updating. I totally agree with what you say here Greg and I have spent years/decades studying the patterns of daily reality/ies ~ with various states of beingness, with various tools (writing, recording video, recording sound, design, etc) . At this moment, I feel (as I often do) the reality is going from competition structure focus to sharing focus.
ReplyDeleteHowever, for that to happen the repetition of messages has to/is changing. Because as you said, we all believe we are the CENTER of NONE and ALL. That the reality is here for us and that *sometimes* when more emotional we are able to be impressed upon/directed by outside stimuli (a photo on Instagram, a specific vocal tone, etc.).
I like to think of it all as GOLDEN RATIOING. Because I do feel like I am the center of my reality/ies because in a way I am. Yet there is a continuous connecting with people and the reality/ies too that we can't just "overlook". I think present day, "GRAVITY" proves that. It's a temporary limit (in my opinion ~ I think beyond 'boxes') that is a hint that we all are connected.
Similar to the concept that the ONLY real current CONSTANT in "life" is actually CHANGE. So I look at it all as clues. And the signs or symbols that repeat are usually how I interpret with my heart what to do next. So one can say, "nothing means anything" and I'm just making up my story. However, it's digital age, so I can actually record my entire day if I want to prove some of these theories to disprove or prove this concept of "AM I MORE THAN A MERE DROP IN THE GALAXYIES?"
My writing is going all over the place. I guess my point is I agree. GRATITUDE is one of the best feelings for helping get out of a depressing funk. Funk muszak is awesoming too for that. Some WAH pedals. Although I must also say I feel GRATITUDE and THANKS have to be GENUINE.
And this connects with the idea of the CONSCIOUSNESS of SOCIETY as a WHOLE. Because of business & technology ages of past, we're at a point where the old "A vs. B" game of "THE BEST" is kinda wearing thin. There are way more than TWO options. And again media is proving that and sharing media BEYOND "classical" channels whose focus has mostly been business and putting citizens in places, rather than asking "WHERE DO Y'ALL WANT TO BE? WHAT DO Y'ALL WANT THIS COUNTRY/EARTH TO BE?"
Yet, as we know of the CULTURES of MUSIC/MUSZAK if the "establishment" won't recognize you, DO YOUR OWN THING ANYWAY. Especially if that "establishment" is flapping on about "FREEDOM" and "FREE SPEECH".
(I spell things weird sometimes because I am always testing word/vibration/thought programming too. For example, if a word is causing "NEGATIVE" associations of "A vs. B", if I spell it a new way, just like in programming it creates a new potential definition or/& association.)
Thanks ROBOTS!
ReplyDeleteGratitude for the ROBOTS who have been programmed to imply ROBOTS are "less than". I always wonder how come it's programmed like that? Like ROBOTS are "the enemy" even though it's always a ROBOT asking me the question. I want to talk with the programmers of this blog template and Google/YouTube about that....
And hence there was AWESOMING new sounds, visuals, etc that always come from these CULTURES within CULTURES. And to me that PROVES GOLDEN RATIO is the key to this reality. It is a way that can show the "smallest" or "least valued" is just as purposefilled as the "biggest" or "most valued". So expand that concept with CONSCIOUSNESS and it's going from "LACK" belief systems to "ABUNDANCING" belief systems.
ReplyDeleteOnly ACTUAL ABUNDANCING. Not the bait-n-switch of old "TEAM AMERICA" capitalistic/domination type thought.
So it's kinda like we have MULTIPLE REALITY/IES going on. Los Angeles is a great example of this concept. One place, a big one, and so much amazing and beautiful variety. I look at it all having purpose. Even the homeless one legged man I talked with had a story. And sometimes I have a moment to listen. That's a moment of GRATITUDE for me too.
A RANDOM ACT of KINDNESS. I like that street artist's artworks too! I think a lot of this, how we feel, has to do with ratios. Ratio of what we do daily. Ratio of whether we freely are expressing ourselves ~ even the "rants" ~ just as long as we then also have the CONSCIOUSNESS to know ranting is/should be temporarily and is likely a clue to alter/change some aspect/component of our thought-action ratio.
Because to just play, "positive, nice" person doesn't work long term if it's not genuinely felt. And in our society that is balancing the concepts of "old school valuation" (aka NonEquality) there's going to be a little "lag". Another way to view it all, what if this were your ONLY moment? And what if even if this is your ONLY moment consciously, you knew you are also simultaneously continuous?
Because I have always personally felt continuous. That's why I boycotted Hebrew School as a kid. That's why I go surfing or paddling in the ocean alone ~ even during "SHARK WEEK" when every random person you pass on the way to the beach wants to remind you it's THAT week in the TV reality of that one channel. It's like yes, I supposed I MAY get eaten by a shark today.... and then what about all those "future plans".... but if I think like that, I'm going to just be another person who watches the ocean on a TV and tells random surfers when it's "Shark Week".
And while I feel those people exist with purpose too ~ the purpose to randomly challenge my love affair with the ocean ~ I do my thing and they do theirs. And usually every time I have exited the water in that specific location, I have always found some random people (usually women) who then profess how great it is I go out there and how they want to go out there. And I usually give them my contact info because a real waterwoman doesn't try to "own" the ocean, but instead is there to help people learn how to read and feel it.
You can imagine the "fun" of being one of the only girls in the surf line ups in San Diego last decade. But then look at the line ups now! I can handle being "evil eyed" and "mad dogged" then because like the surf school I once shortly worked with SURF DIVA says, "THE BEST SURFER IN THE WATER IS THE ONE HAVING THE MOST FUN!"
That's an example of GOLDEN RATIO too. It only requires a few "STRONG" or/& "GOLDEN HEARTED" people to change an entire system. We see it in nature, and we are nature, and we see it everywhere. Natural migration, mixing and mingling. It's even in the supposedly "rigid" religions. They have been changing because they aren't "above" the reality they are. They have to face and connect with concepts of none AND all. Instead of pretending "none" (nun) doesn't exist and "all" is all without the nun.
ReplyDeleteAgain, "CAN'T FOOL MOTHER NATURE" especially when humans are birthed mostly from WOMEN. So the languaging and patterns of reality are the proof. And even those who don't want to see or feel it will have it decode for them at some point. Like people who don't know the puzzle answer on WHEEL OF FORTUNE until enough letters light up.
I say, express yourself and then review your expressings (as you already are here with a blog). But don't be judgemental, if you don't like something you said or did, add to it to balance it. Like JAZZ music/muszak. Or for example, being an artist, I tend to "mess up" clothes. This can be frustrating if/when I'm thinking from the perspective of "don't mess up my nice clothes" or/& if I know I've been more physically skilled with previous moments and am being "judgemental".
But instead, I learned to make a second group of "fashionable" painting clothes. Those are the ones you didn't want to get paint on them, but OOPS, too late! So improve with a new class called "fashionable painting clothes". And with the judgement, I learned to laugh at myself more often. Not in a cruel, "why me" way, but in the same way I laugh with children when they are learning.
I also do this sometimes when with my parents. Sometimes I remind myself to treat them with the kindness I treat children who are learning. That has helped too sometimes. Or with anyone. If you can feel you are continuous forever, yet also can be there in the present moment as though its possibly the ONLY moment, then you can make every moment matter. And appreciate that every person, animal, rock, plant, etc. has a purpose for its expressing. And if you find yourself drawn to something specific during a moment, how come? Clues of self-reflecting with the soul.