Goals

Me before an audition on 6/26/14

My life is pretty surreal.  Basically, I get to play dress up for a living and it's usually really fun.  The other day I had one of those crazy days where I had so much going on and, magically, it not only all worked out, I even got to my job early that night.  I'm an actor so I audition all the time and I always say that it's like playing charades with strangers.  I get a text and an email saying where to go and who I'm supposed to be and then I put on the appropriate outfit and go act out scenes on camera mostly with people I have never met.  It's a trip.  Living the dream, isn't that what they say?

     I have to remember how much crazy, fun, exciting stuff I do and have done so when the slow times happen I don't get bored or feel useless.  I basically moved to LA because I wanted to be on TV and that's exactly what happened.  I had already done some commercials and a few other acting gigs in NYC but I decided that I would make the move out west and join the modern day Gold Rush and pursue a career in Hollywood.  I got an agent, started auditioning, booked a few gigs and then I got a crazy phone call out of the blue.  My friend Adrienne called to say that the TV show LA Ink needed a shop manager right away and asked if I could come down and meet Kat Von D at High Voltage Tattoo ASAP.

     Strangely, I had so many connections with Kat but I had never even been in the same room with her and, honestly, don't even really know who she was.  I had seen the billboards all over town for LA Ink but they made everyone look rockabilly and I didn't really know what they were for - I mean, I got that it was a show but I never really looked into it.  When Adrienne called I was working a temporary job downtown for a fashion show room, just filling in for market week and I was all dressed up in a wild fashion style wearing my favorite Ann Demeulemesster sweater.  I thought that I didn't really look suited to work at a tattoo shop even though under my outfit I was covered in tattoos.  When I got to the shop the 1st thing Kat said to my was that she loved my outfit - we got along immediately and I started working at the shop and on the show a few days later.

     A lot of magical things happened when I made the decision to move to LA.  For a while I was very wishy-washy about the whole thing, I kept asking people if I "should" move out here but I was unsure.  The moment I made the definite decision to go for it the universe helped push me along and a series of doors opened up for me.  Crazy how that happens.  They say that the whole universe conspires to help you when you really know what it is that you want out of life.  I'd say that's pretty true.

     I was bar tending in NYC and I really didn't want to do it anymore in LA.  It was super fun and lucrative but I just didn't want to be up all night in loud clubs anymore.  I was also DJing from time to time and I still really enjoyed that.  I decided that I still wanted to DJ but I didn't want to work in clubs and even as I was thinking that I was wondering how that could ever happen.  Well,  I ended up DJing for photographer David LaChapelle, who had recently moved his studio to Los Angeles, for all his big photo shoots.  For the most part the shoots were during the day and they were super fun and lucrative!  Somehow, I had manifested that job even though when I had said my goals out loud I didn't really know how they would happen.  I did that for about 2 years and a bevy of well know folks moseyed through LaChapelle Land while I was there - Paris & Nicky Hilton, Courtney Love, Betsey Johnson, Christina Aguilera and, of course, Pam Anderson.

     When you make goals and are firm about your decisions you'll realize that most of them are actually achievable - even the ones that seem outlandish and impossible.  You also have to be open to where your journey leads you.  I had no clue or desire even to work in a tattoo shop even though, obviously, I love tattoos and had spent a lot of time in tattoo shops.  Still, it never was something that I thought would happen and yet working at High Voltage with Kat and our whole awesome crew has been the best job that I have ever had in my life and it has lead to so many other things.  Realizing that I had ended up here because of who I am and not in spite of it was a real turning point in my life.  I never have to hide or disguise who I am to get where I want to be in life.  In fact, it's quite the opposite -  stay true to yourself and amazing things will happen.

      

Ego

Et in Arcadia ego by Guercino, 1618 - 1622

My ego wants to kill me!  I can know and feel something so well and along comes my horrid ego rearing it's ugly head and shattering all my beliefs and knowledge.  I was not happy for the last year or so of my last relationship.  It wasn't as if I was relying solely on my ex to supply all of my happiness, I was completely whole and content when I met him.  My life was full and fabulous and he was like the cherry on top - not necessary for survival but a delicious treat that was a delightful bonus.  Yet, now that it's really over my ego wants me to believe that I failed and that all my hopes and dreams are shattered forever.  My ego wants to cling to some idealized and false version of what was really happening so that now I must suffer and sulk.
     It saddened me to think, at times, that I was about to embark on a lifetime path with someone who was incapable or unwilling to show me the affection and intimacy that I crave and desire.  I understand that, at times, I have an unrealistic and inflated idea of what romantic love is supposed to be, but underneath all that Hollywood romance shit was a genuine desire to feel special, to feel loved.  If the person you are about to marry doesn't even make you feel slightly special and important then, I suppose, marriage isn't the ideal outcome.  I knew all of that, I felt it deep down yet now almost 2 months after the break-up my ego has me suffering and longing for something that never was.
     Each one of us is the star in our own movie about our life.  Because of that literally nothing that another person does in life is about you, it's about them.  The ego has a different way of thinking about things.  The ego wants us to believe that the entire world revolves around us and therefore each and every thing that happens is about us.  This causes tremendous pain and can make something as innocent and as random as an Instagram picture the source of gut wrenching emotion.
     So, what is the solution?  How does one kill the ego before it kills us itself?  I wish I knew a very specific and exact answer to that.  I know for sure (even though I haven't been doing very well at practicing it) that gratitude shuts ego the fuck up.  Being grateful for the things that I DO have and not pining away for the things that I DON'T have causes serenity and peace.  As I've said before, I live in Hollywood and pretty much have created my own life to lead and, for the most part, it's pretty exciting and filled with love.  So, why then must my ego claw it's way into my psyche to destroy the beautiful picture I have painted of myself?!  Perhaps recognizing that this is what is happening is also a major step in ending the ego driven madness.  Maybe our main task in life is to become our own hero to rescue ourselves from and slay the ferocious fire-breathing dragon that wants to kill us.  I can write my own fairy tale and in it love from me to me is what will save the day.

Love

Tonight at John & Rafal's wedding at Soho House, LA.

Yesterday, two people told me I looked light - like I was exuding light or had an aura of lightness around me. This was great news to me considering I have been having a tough time lately on the emotional front.  I did feel pretty great yesterday - I got up at 5:30am for a 6:45am photo shoot with the infectiously giggly Kristina McManus, took a cat nap with my doggies, had a lovely lunch date and then went to spin class. All in all, a perfect day. I hadn't even realized, though, that some of the darkness I had been carrying around had dissipated.  Being busy & productive is a great way to get out of your own head. I have always had trouble with the down time, the quieter moments. I judge myself harshly when I'm not crazy busy like, somehow, I have failed at everything. I'm trying to learn to be ok no matter what is going on, to be ok with simply being at times.
    I have been thinking a lot about love lately.  All the authors, poets, artists, singers, philosophers and teachers that I am attracted to say that the purpose of life is love.  What I have realized, though, is that the purpose is not to be loved, but to be love itself.  Radiating love from the inside out and projecting that onto your surroundings not only transforms self, it transforms the world around you.  After all, we see the world through our projections so whatever we are thinking and feeling is what we will see.  To truly be in a state where you love and appreciate and are grateful for all that is around you seems to be the highest state of being that there is.  Easier said than done.
     I know, for me, I felt so harshly judged by the world that I internalized that judgement and then projected it back out onto society.  I disliked things and people that weren't like me and for a while in my youth it served as a means of protecting myself.  Now, I realize that diversity is beautiful and I appreciate things that I do not quite understand and want to learn more about them.  Still, it's hard when there are people and groups out there who operate on a philosophy of hate and judgment - it's hard to rise above and love even them.
     Tonight, I had the amazing experience and privilege of being at the most beautiful wedding.  My two friends John & Raf were wed in the most intimate and loving ceremony surrounded by a small group of family and close friends.  I do not think I have ever cried so much at any event.  Not one tear was of sadness though, they were all tears of joy and celebration and the overwhelming presence of love that was so palpable it was impossible not to feel in that room.  There were numerous speeches by their loved ones and each one was touching and heartfelt and a testament to why this event was so meant to be.  This wedding wouldn't have been possible a few years back since it was between two men and was, until very recently, illegal.  Imagine, a gathering of people joined in the celebrating and supporting of the love of two people and the promise to help maintain that love and commitment was illegal because of the sex of the people involved!  When you witness an event like this it boggles the mind that anyone, anywhere could be offended or disgusted by it.  Two people loving each other is the most beautiful thing to witness and why on earth would it ever matter what sex those people are?!
     These two beautiful men have been very important to me this past year.  They have been the source of much fun, laughter and love and I feel so blessed to have them in my life.  They got engaged a few months before me and my ex got engaged and they both knew that we were proposing to each other at Xmas and kept the secret from each of us.  I thought for sure that they would be attending our wedding too.  This beautiful union that I witnessed tonight did not cause any bitterness or resentment for what I thought was also meant to be my future.  Instead, it fully restored my faith in love.  I am determined to keep pursuing love and to work on loving from the inside out.


   

Be Here Now!

Cover of "Be Here Now" by Ram Dass

Someone asked me earlier today "what makes you happy?" I thought about it for a second and many things came to mind - spending time with friends, writing or creating anything, reading, being by the ocean, traveling, playing with my dogs, eating delicious food, working (most of the time).  When I thought about it some more I realized that what all of these things have in common is that they all are things enjoyed in the present moment.  Really, truly living in the now is what creates happiness.
     Most moments in life are actually alright.  Think about a day in life and you realize that very few moments are filled with actual pain.  Sure, there is emotional pain, and, often, it is hard to get out of.  Then, at times, there is physical pain as well.  But, when you add up all the moments in a 24 hr. period the ones filled with pain are really minuscule compared to the ones where everything is okay.  In fact, most emotional pain does not come from the actual moment.  Most emotional pain comes from regretting or re-living the past or worrying about the future.  One of the 1st things they try and teach you when you get sober through a 12 step group is to fully be present in the moment.  Sounds simple enough but it truly is one of the hardest things to do.
     Engaging with another person and being present for them is an amazing quality to have.  That's why people always remark when someone is a good listener.  It means that they truly hear the words you are saying and react to those words and not pre-plan a response in their head while you are talking.  It's impossible to be consumed with self or ego when you are truly listening to another soul speak.  That's also why if you are feeling down or depressed the best solution is to help someone else with their problems - there is always someone worse off than you (unless, you are presently being murdered then you are pretty much the worst off).
     Being by the ocean is one of those things that makes me instantly feel connected to nature and the moment I'm in.  The power and sound of the waves makes me feel so small but not in a depressing way.  Small as in a small piece of something far greater than myself like the grains of sand that I sit on when at the beach.   Small, but connected.  Each piece is just as important as the others and they all function together in a magical way.  Unfortunately, I'm not by the ocean often even though I live in Los Angeles.  Actually, I spent far more time by the ocean when I lived in NYC, go figure.
     Being in the now is especially hard in today's society.  We are constantly bombarded by distractions and noise.  Everything is designed to take you out of the moment and leave you longing for things that you don't have.  I'm guilty of being glued to my iPhone for hours a day and that is the exact opposite of being in the moment - it's a distraction from the moment and it takes you out of real life.  Really listening to another person and hearing their words is living in the moment.  Noticing the color of the sky or the shape of the clouds is living in the moment.  Actually observing the color and shapes and sounds of things around you is living in the moment.  Try doing these things as often as possible it's harder than you think.
     There's an old slogan that says, "If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future than you are pissing all over today."  I always thought that was super funny but it's also very poignant and true.  I realized that in the past 6 weeks I have been living in the now about 8% of my days, if that.  Going through a breakup really sent me into the space of re-living all the moments that are now long gone and also worrying about what is to be.  Realizing that that is the space I have been occupying was the 1st step in getting myself out of it.  Doing those things does me no good and also takes me out of the present so I cannot even see how much I have to be grateful for.  I live in Hollywood in huge 2 bedroom apartment with  2 dogs that are made of love and I have a kick-ass job.  Those are all gifts that I can appreciate in each and every waking moment.

A page from "Be Here Now'

Bullies

"Greg as girl" age 4

I was horribly bullied from 1st grade until I learned to fight back, probably around 9th grade. Really bullied, not just mildly teased or Lady GaGa bullied - sorry, privileged white girls DO NOT know bullying. People terrorized me for being gay before I even knew I actually was gay!!  I even went to an alternative school from 1st - 4th grade, one where we called the teachers by their 1st names.  Even at a place that was called "Open School" I was harassed.  The first time I remember being called a fag was at that school by some kids that were much older.  I didn't even really know what fag meant I just knew I felt different than most of the other boys.  I hated sports, I loved playing dress up and making art and my only friends were girls.
     For a while I was friends with other boys on my street.  My house was on a corner and had the best yard for playing.  We had three huge, amazing trees that were perfect for climbing and I had a rope swing in a tree in the back yard that provided hours of fun.  Something changed with those boys though.  Somewhere around 5th grade they started to notice that I was not the same as them.  That's when they all turned on me and joined in on the harassment.  They would scream vulgarities at me and call me names like "gay-bait", "fairy", "faggot"' & "gaylord" and taunt me me to no end.  The same kids that I played with everyday inside and outside my house now turned into my worst tormentors.  Some days they would even climb onto the roof of my house and stomp around leaving me feeling like a prisoner in my own home.  The irony here is that I had played "doctor" with all of those boys and when the notion that they enjoyed it sank in they all felt riddled with guilt and shame and decided to lash out.  I lived with that same guilt and shame for my whole childhood.
     I have always marched to the beat of my own drum and I always had a crazy, if not awkward at times, sense of fashion.  I had even decided I was preppy at one point and I thought "finally, I will fit in and not be teased."  I was so wrong.  Probably because I was REALLY preppy wearing pink and baby blue tops with bright green, Izod, golf pants and loafers.  It was all too much for the other kids, especially the preppies.
     By the time I got to high school I was full on goth and I hid behind my giant crimped hair.  I always wore all black, over-sized clothes and had a permanent scowl on my face.  I still got teased but I screamed back at people now and I always threw sharp daggers with my eyes.  My whole attitude was "look at me - FUCK YOU - don't look at me!"  I think people finally caught on that I was NOT changing who I was or how I dressed no matter how much they condemned me!  By the time I was in 12th grade everyone (for the most part) had finally accepted me and, in fact, on our "Senior Day" I won 4 awards from my classmates including "Best Hair."
    Now, I'm so happy that I was always different and did my own thing no matter how much I cried from all the taunting.   I'm certain that I'm a much more interesting person than those that harassed me and stayed in Schenectady, NY.   I'm not saying that I wish bullying on anyone, in fact, I wish the world could be way more opened minded than it is.  I am saying that I developed a tough skin from all the horrid teasing and, luckily, somewhere inside I was strong enough to move past it and always be myself.  In the long run being true to yourself is always the best option.  Now, people love me for who I am and how I dress and I'm lucky enough to have a job where I meet cool people from all over the world everyday.  Everyone, deep down, wants to be appreciated and accepted and I have learned that when you are open minded toward people 98% of the time they will respond with the same courtesy.  Believe me, there are still TONS of assholes out there but their assholism is even more glaring to the world when you respond to it in a calm and kind manner.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I've never navigated transitions in my life very well.  Gracefully gliding from one phase of life to another has never been my strong suit.  It's been that way for as long as I can remember.  At the end of high school I was very apathetic and indifferent about applying for college.  My friends were all fabulous freaks and misfits but most of them were really smart and had specific intentions and plans.  I did not.  Maybe it was all the LSD and cocaine I was doing in my last two years of school - certainly that wasn't helping any.  I remember laying on the couch one afternoon and my mom said "what're you going to do, stay in Schenectady and work at a minimum wage job?"  She convinced me to fill out an application for state schools and she suggested that SUNY Purchase would probably be the best choice since it was mostly an art school.  She was right, of course.  I got accepted and had a great time, mostly, and learned a lot.
     Unfortunately, one of the things that I learned was how to shoot heroin.  A girl I was friends with had an older boyfriend that came to Purchase from NYC to stay with her and he brought all the necessary accoutrements for that task.  I thought he was so cool.  In retrospect, he was an absolute loser - in his 20's and coming to college to stay in the dorms and help his teenage girlfriend get high.  He's probably dead now.  Being addicted to heroin definitely did not make the impending graduation from school an event that I was looking forward to.  I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life and after 4 years of college weren't you supposed to be certain of that?
     After graduation I moved to Province Town, Mass. for the summer like a lot of my friends did.  P-Town is a crazy and amazing place.  Originally founded by sailors and pirates it has the oldest known and still operational bar in the US.  It's also predominantly gay - fabulous!  I tried my best to stay off drugs that summer, opting for A LOT of day drinking instead.  Eventually, I succumbed to the urges and before I knew  it I was making the 12 hour roundtrip trek to NYC to cope dope.  I lingered in P-Town until Oct, way after the summer season ended because, again, I just didn't know what else to do.  Finally, I moved to NYC which is where I figured I belonged.
     Cut to many decades later and, yet again, I am in a state of massive changes and transitions.  I thought I was getting married this year and I felt like there was a trajectory that was taking place in my life.  I was wrong.  Now, I'm feeling very confused and pretty lost.  I know that all the sadness and feelings of failure will subside, they always do.  A friend said to me yesterday that confusion was a great thing since it means that a higher power is working in your life and taking care of what you can not.  I've been sober for over 12 years now and I don't think I've  ever heard that pearl of wisdom.  I'm gonna run with that one even though I'm not 100% certain that I believe it.  Fake it til you make it.
     I still don't really know what I wanna do when I grow up.  There are a lot of things that I am great at and there are things that I love doing but, at the moment, I'm not sure what path to take.  Perhaps,  I'll never figure it out.  Can't you still be an interesting and intelligent person even if you don't have a specific career?   Isn't who you are as a person way more important than what you do?  I'm pretty sure that I'm a good person and, hopefully, something really fantastic is heading my way really soon.

Marriage

I knew that I was gay since the age of seven.  I also understood from early on that it was not acceptable or embraced by our society. For this reason, I never entertained the idea of marriage. Inextricably, I knew that I had a hard road ahead of me and the notion of gay marriage was not even a subject of conversation in suburbia in the 1970's. I also thought that love probably was not a thing that would ever exist for me. I used to pray that I could be a girl not because I felt like one or even really wanted to be one, but because I knew that it would be way easier to find a man to love if I was female.
     Then I met Matt. It was so different with him than it had ever been before. It was easy and nice and there was no insecurity or drama. Up until that point I thought all the stress and drama of previous relationships was love. Then I realized that all those feelings were there because love was lacking.  After being with Matt for about 1.5 years I started completely rethinking my opinions on marriage. I thought that he was someone that I could and wanted to spend my whole life with. It was a subtle shift inside and I started to understand why people were wont to walk down the isle.
     I didn't really think that I would feel much different after we got engaged but I truly did. There was deeper level of commitment and I felt like we were unbreakable. I felt so proud and happy to have that ring on my finger - the ceremony of it all made more sense to me now. Unfortunately, that did not last long and I was wrong about the unbreakable part. We split up after less than four months of being engaged. I wish we hadn't gone through the whole affair of the engagement but I think we both thought it would make things right.  I was serious about the commitment, but the reality was that for the past year I hadn't been happy.  I thought that I was compromising like people do when they are together, but I realized that the things I was compromising were not up for negotiation.  After 4.5 years it's super sad to have something end and to lose the constant companionship but it's worse to stay together and make each other miserable.
     Neither one of us could ever decide what we wanted  to do for our wedding.  All the coolest weddings I've been to are ones that really represent that couple.  We could never figure out what that would be.  Maybe,  it's because it wasn't meant to be and deep down we both knew that.  Now, again, I really, truly do not know how I feel about this subject.  I mean, I love getting dressed up and I love a fun party, but maybe it's just not for me.  I never wanted kids, that's a big reason for marriage.  I'd be a great dad, but it's not something I've ever wanted.  In fact, I've always believed that one of the spiritual reason for homosexuality is to not increase the population.
     Right now, I don't even believe that true love exists.  Get back to me over the summer and my opinion may have changed but who knows?!  People love to say "the man of your dreams is out there" when you're going through a break up, but that's mighty presumptuous. A lot of people in the world never experience that. Being complete on your own is the key to everything, finding joy and happiness every day has nothing to do with being in a relationship.  I guess now its time to work on my relationship with myself.