Memory Lane

Me & Krylon on a rooftop in SF, 8/11/14

There are few things in life as magical as taking a walk down memory lane with an amazing old friend.  The shared experience of re-telling and re-living moments that you have in common opens doors inside that seem to transport you right back to those very moments.  It's almost as if your common history is more alive now than it was when it was happening - it's like watching the movie of your own life.  So quickly with old friends the conversation turns to funny, outrageous or even touching moments that you have lived together.

     I met my gorgeous, soul-sister friend Krylon in 1993 when I had started working at a popular East Village haunt called Stingy Lulu's.  I was fresh out of rehab (if you didn't go to rehab in the early 90's you were doing it wrong) and had recently moved back to NYC after staying at my Mom's in upstate, NY for a few months.  I was working as a cashier at a crunchy health food store when I ran into my friend Toni from college.  She was tending bar at Lulu's and asked me if I would be interested in being a waiter.  This was like the golden ticket for a post-grad, 22 year old in the city.  Waitering jobs were great money, all cash and always included tons of free food and drinks.  The catch 22 was that it was impossible to get a waiting job in NYC w/o a tons of NYC waiting experience but you couldn't get experience if no one would hire you - unless, of course, your friend was the bartender that was tight with the owners!

     After I got hired they quickly asked me if I ever did drag.  I had done some in the past for fun but my look at the time was more Kiss-meets-David-Bowie, androgynous, gender-fuck, glam!  I hadn't done much actual drag that included shaving everything and wearing a bra.  I loved getting dressed up though and I immediately said yes and thus the adventure began.  There was an amazing, melting-pot crew of queens that worked at Lulus and we tore it up inside and outside of that place.  We would stop what we were doing, ignore all our tables and put on shows in the middle of the restaurant and even on top of tables filled with peoples meals.  The wilder we were the more the crowd and owners loved us.

     Krylon and I quickly bonded and became instant friends.  All we would do was laugh and carry on.  I had this self appointed rule that I would never repeat the same exact look twice so I was always coming up with crazy new outfits & styles.  Krylon had this joke that I could blend a toaster into my hair and people would think it was real.  I always wore my wigs mid-way at the scalp and left my real hair out in front that way the hair line and part was always natural.  I could literally have a pink afro on and people would ask me if it was my real hair!  We joked about my hair everyday - the cheaper the wig the better and I always had so many bobby pins in my head that I could've picked the locks at Fort Knox.

     One night during my shift I called a drug dealer from the restaurant phone (cell phones were not in the picture in 1993) that would always meet you around the corner in a town car.  You'd hop in, they'd drive around the block while your transaction took place then drop you off near where they had picked you up.  I ran out the door of Lulu's, mid-shift, on a really busy night and sprinted like a gazelle across the street in stilettos.  Well, of course, my heel snapped off mid flight and came right off my shoe completely.  I snatched it up, hopped in the town car to get my stash then realized I had no back up pair and still had to work all night long.  When the car dropped me off I hobbled to the nearest bodega (deli, convenient store, whatever you happen to call them) and bought a huge roll of duct tape.  I got back to the restaurant and I taped that damn shoe and heel directly to my foot and ankle - I used so much tape that it was more sturdy than the shoes were to begin with.

     That particular night Krylon and I went out after work at 2am, closed down a local bar then went to an infamous after-hours club on Ave. B called Save The Robots.  We didn't get out of there until 9am which meant we were in our stilettos for at least 15 hours straight!  Even though I didn't have spare shoes I never, ever left the house in drag without a pair of sunglasses - 9am wasn't an unusual time to get home back then.  Ah, the folly of youth.

     Now, Krylon lives in SF and is an amazing band called Double Duchess and, basically looks exactly the same, if not better, than when we met as baby drag queens a jillion years ago.  It's a trip to think of how many lifetimes we each lead on this planet.  Krylon and I met 21 years ago and even though we don't see each other enough when we do it's the same as it was back then - except we are both super healthy and sober now.   I don't think any of us realized how magical that time was as it was happening.  Almost everyone that we knew and loved lived within a 10 block radius of each other in the East Village.  Now, we are all dispersed but the connections will forever be the same beautiful, loving, fun connections they were in the beginning.

Some of the Lulu's crew - Krylon and Me top left.

     

     

Living In The Eighties.

my 1st yr. at college, 1988

Growing up in Upstate, NY I didn't have the opportunity to see a tremendous amount of live music.  I did manage to see some really big bands at the time like Duran Duran and The Eurythmics and I even saw Crosby, Stills and Nash - all the freaks hung out together so there was a certain level of "hippie" music that was acceptable especially on lots of LSD.  My teenage self drew the line at The Grateful Dead and even though I really didn't know their music that much I detested them on principal.
     Of course, I went to tons of obligatory hardcore matinees at the local VFW halls and saw a million bands with acronyms like C.O.C., MDC, D.R.I., D.OA. but I really didn't love any of those bands and I kind of hated those shows.  I never really felt safe with the mosh pits swirling around me, especially in the mid-80's when they were pretty violent and punks had A LOT of sharp hardware on their jackets.  I was obsessed with The Butthole Surfers after I heard their genius cover of "American Woman" on the local college radio station and I got to see them at SUNY Buffalo in 1986 - it was a pretty life changing show.  They had 2 drummers, a topless gogo dancer with her head shaved like she was having chemo and her teeth coverered in tin foil, videos on loop of child birth superimposed with ants furiously crawling out of an ant hill and Gibby, the singer, was wearing a yellow, old lady, housedress and had his long hair sprayed straight up in the air about 2 feet tall.  I was hooked.
     Really, though, I was way more into dark wave and goth music and was obsessed with every band that was on the 4AD label at the time.  The Cocteau Twins, The Dead Can Dance, Clan Of Xymox, This Mortal Coil to name a few.  I was also into everything new wave and, of course, my all time favorite for life was and is Siouxsie & The Banshees.  These bands didn't really pop by Schenectady, NY at all though.
     Everything changed for me the second I went away to college though.  I went to an artsy state school called SUNY Purchase which was about an hour outside of NYC.  Suddenly, a whole world of live music and opportunities opened up for me and it was a magical time to say the least.  Within the course of my 1st year away at college I got to see a ton of my all time fav bands.  The Cocteau Twins and The Dead Can Dance played within the same week and I even managed to get front row seats for The Dead Can Dance!  I saw Skinny Puppy on Halloween night at Irving Plaza with NIN as an opening act, it was 1988.  The stoic NY crowd literally stood still, arms crossed for all of Nine In Nails set no one could care less at the time.
     The cherry on top of the giant, musical,  ice cream sundae was, of course, Siouxsie & The Banshees at Radio City Music Hall for their Peepshow tour just 6 days before my 18th Bday!!  I'll never forget that night and exactly how I looked.  I was so happy because my blue-black crimped hair came out perfect that day and it was never bigger than it was for that show.  I had on my favorite, vintage, paisley vest on top of all black, of course, tons of black eyeliner, and was wearing a collection of antique rosary beads that my goth-est friend had given me (stolen from her grandma.)  I bought the tickets for me and some friends the day they went on sale - back then you actually called the ticket line until you got through and placed your order over the phone if you weren't able to physically wait in line outside the venue.  I got us seats in row S which doesn't sound so bad until you realize that Radio City Music Hall is set up with rows AA - ZZ and then rows A - Z, essentially we were in row 45 with the balcony overhead so it seemed even farther away.  Before the show started I had met some over-the-top goth girls by the bathroom that liked my hair and thought I was really cute.  About 4 songs into the show they walked by my row and when they saw me they grabbed me and brought me all the way down to their seats which were smack dab in the center of row 4!!!!  I had the best night ever, I could almost touch Siouxsie.  The friends that I ditched were none too pleased and during the ride back to college you could cut the tension and silence with a knife - inside I was reeling though.  That show is forever etched in my memory.
     My friends at school and I also went to tons of shows at CBGB's and The Pyramid Club.  We'd all pile into my hatchback and get on the highway into NYC to see all the best/wildest local bands at the time.  We'd go to the East Village every time The Lunachicks, The Voluptuous Horror Of Karen Black or a little local band (at the time ) White Zombie played.  Those shows were so crazy and fun and I even ended up becoming friends with all 3 of those bands.  Back then the scene was so much smaller and if you looked outrageous, as we all did, and went to every show eventually you got to hang out with all your favorite bands.  I made some of my best, life-long friends at seedy, beer-soaked punk clubs.  Looking back I don't think anyone realized what a special time it was - we were all young and unencumbered by real life and auto-tune was yet to be the standard in most music.

Set list for the Siouxsie show, 1988

   

Happy?

Still from the 1980 film "9 to 5"

Happiness is a choice.  Or so they say.  I am fully aware that everything begins in the brain, our thoughts dictate our reality.  It's impossible to think a certain way and then feel a completely different way.  If you "know' that things will turn out badly then, most definitely, they will.  The problem is that you cannot simply think yourself into a certain state of being.  "The Secret" was wildly popular for a while which was basically just an updated version of "Creative Visualization" (another book that was popular in the 70's) and it talks about the power of our thoughts.  All of these thoughts require action though so it's not like you can sit on your couch, alone and think yourself happy, rich, sober, content - whatever it is you want to be.
     Sometimes, in the morning, before I'm even fully awake my brain starts reeling and spewing all kinds of negative thoughts.  Crazy how the 1st things I think of on certain days are insecurities, fears, judgments and other such negative nuggets.  I have to stop and consciously redirect my thoughts and energies in the opposite direction.  This isn't to say that I don't wake up in a peaceful or joyous mood too but on those days I simple leap out of bed and skip to the kitchen followed by a cartoon trail of birds and butterflies like the Lily Tomlin scene in "9 To 5" when she's about to poison her bosses coffee.  When I do make the point of stating my intentions upon awakening - to myself or the universe or my dogs or whoever else is listening - and direct my thoughts into having a happy, productive and/or lucrative day then, usually, that's exactly what happens.  Of course, I have to remember those intentions and get back on course if I'm thwarted by stress or negativity at any point later.
     I am also drawn to sadness and melancholia though, I always have been.  I've always had an interest and appreciation for things that are dark and moody.  Perhaps it's healthy to explore those options too as long as there is a balance and you don't reside full-time in that world.  I think it's natural to be attracted to all types of feelings and moods.  Certainly, you've all met someone who is 110% happy and upbeat at all times and it seems really phony if not down right scary.  Maybe some of those people know the actual "secret" and really live in that elated, positive space always.  Or, perhaps, they are mostly sociopaths that are incapable of seeing all the torture and injustice that is perpetually happening all over the world.  Is ignorance really bliss?
     Like I said earlier it's important to have a positive outlook on life but it's equally important to take the steps it requires to really, fully create a life that is filled with joy and serenity.  I tried for years to think myself sober and every time I woke up sick, alone and afraid I would tell myself "never again!!!" and within a few hours I'd be off to the races.  It was a horrible cycle that didn't get broken until I admitted I had a problem and then asked people to help me stop killing myself.  Once I set the action in motion I was actually able to achieve what I had desired to do for so long but was incapable of.
    Anyway, the next time someone says to you "don't worry, be happy" you can punch them in the throat and then laugh to yourself about what a great feeling that was.  Balance. Now that is happiness!

Flying

"Starry Night" by Van Gogh

When I was a really little boy I could fly.  Several nights a week right as I was drifting off into dreamland I would feel my bed vibrate and pulse and my bedroom ceiling would open up wide and my bed would take off into the night sky, sheets flapping in the wind.  I would ride the bed like I was on the helm of ship riding the ocean waves.  I would look down and around and see my house and my whole town from above and it was magical and magnificent.  Then I would wake up in the morning usually forgetting it had even happened.
     I never told anyone or talked about it, it didn't seem unusual or abnormal to me and it really never occurred to me to discuss it.  Little kids are tapped into a deeper realm than adults and there is a definite sense of wonder and magic in their lives.  That is, until real problems happen and the magic gets tucked away deeper and deeper until it's just a small kernel, practically unreachable, buried within.
     The flying stopped when my parents got divorced.  That is not to say that my life was 100% idyllic before that but the reality of my Dad physically walking away marked a huge change in my life and me.  I did not handle it well.  I was physically sick for a week, throwing up and nauseous and a part of me never really recovered from that time.  Later on in middle school I even developed this phantom stomach illness that would leave me doubled over in crippling pain and yet the doctors could never figure out what was wrong.  It is so clear to me know that it was stress and that the stomach region is where I tend to carry and store all of my lovely stress.
     I have experienced a sensation similar to the flying one later in life but only a few times.  The 1st time was at a yoga class in college that I begrudgingly took to fulfill my gym quota.  We were lying flat on our back at the end of class for the meditation portion.  The teacher was gently coaxing us - relax your toes, relax the arches of your feet, relax your ankles - slowly going through the entire body. When she got to the tops of our heads I felt this crazy vibration as if the entire room was spinning really fast around me as I floated completely still in the middle.   It was an unusual sensation that was almost scary for a second until I just went with it.  My eyes were closed but all of a sudden I saw myself from above and then from below and it was as if there were 2 of me and I didn't know which was the real me.  After it was over and the teacher beckoned for us to return to our bodies and wiggle our fingers and toes I had the sensation that I was in a full body cast and when I wiggled it crumbled around me and left me feeling renewed.
     So, it is possible to get back to the magic in life!  For me when life becomes too dull and routine I crave something deeper, something mystical and magical to show me that life can still be wondrous and enchanting.  Another time meditating at home I was able to tap into that vibration again, just me on my floor with the world pulsing and vibrating all around my stillness.  I'm not really sure what that sensation is or how exactly to make it happen but I am comforted knowing that there is so much more out there to discover and that, perhaps, real magic exists.

Dating!?!

Before I met my ex I made a valiant attempt at dating.  The experiences I had bordered on the ridiculous and absurd. Each date was more comical than the last until it got to the point where someone even called to "break up" with me before we had ever hung out! It was like an absurdist Theater Of The Ridiculous cosmic joke.
     I met one guy while out dancing and we had a total Jennifer Grey & Patrick Swayze moment on the dance floor. We exchanged numbers and I followed through with a call the next day (so not LA to actually call). We spent so long on the phone that my iPhone battery was in the red and then, out of the blue, he said he had to go because he had to pick up his boyfriend at the airport. Really? REALLY!  All I could do was laugh at that point.  I totally threw in the towel realizing I just wasn't cut out for the whole dating world. No thank you.
     Of course, this is precisely when I met my ex and entered into the longest and best relationship I have ever had.  It wasn't only because I had stopped looking it was because I was whole and complete on my own and really loving my life - that's what made me attractive to another man.  That's also why just recently I met someone at an exercise class when the last thing I was expecting was a connection. It took me by surprise and it was fun and spontaneous and there was an instant attraction between us. We spent one great night together and we should have simply left it at that.  Some moments and connections are fleeting especially ones that begin with lust.  That animal attraction usually does not have staying power and it has nothing to do with the personalities and brains of the parties involved - it's some sort of pheromone hypnosis that carries you away on a wave of excitement.  Of course, we did not leave it at that.
     I let myself fantasize and drift away on the words of a sweet talker that was saying all the right things and making me feel so wanted.  Normally, the things he was saying would have had me running to the hills especially since we had only had one "date."  It was all too good to be true and too much too soon.  The fact of the matter is I wanted to believe in the possibility of love happening so unexpectedly and I am clearly vulnerable after going through all the crap that I have gone through this year.  I was thinking that it could be a fun romance filled with adventure since he doesn't even live in LA - another sign for me.
     You can all see clearly where this going by now, I'm sure.  We made plans to spend a glorious weekend together and I took several days off work and made reservations at a chic and romantic restaurant.  I thought "why the fuck don't I take a risk?  I'm a grown ass man, crazier things have happened.  What's the worst that can transpire in a few days?"  We were texting like crazy and having long and lovely conversations on the phone at night.  Seemed like there was a genuine connection happening.  And then I could just sense that things had changed.  Radio silence - the worst kind of dead air.  And then came the texts..."I'm not ready for a relationship, my mind isn't in the right place, I don't want to pull you into my mess..."  THERE IT IS!  I got dumped before we were even dating.  How does that even happen?!  I thought we were planning a fun, off-the-cuff weekend I didn't think we were picking out china patterns.
     Again, all I can do is laugh - well, after a series of woe-is-me texts to my besties, I chuckled - I'm not a saint for chrissakes!  All I know for sure is that I refuse to give up on love and I hope that the next time I meet someone spontaneously it lasts for more than one night.  At least two, please.
    For now I'll just listen to some Led Zeppelin and get lost in a rock-n-roll fantasy of scouring the far corners of the globe for my perfect match...

Going to ramble on, sing my song. Gotta keep-a-searching for my baby...

Going to work my way, round the world. I can't stop this feeling in my heart

Got to keep searching for my baby. I can't find my bluebird!

Goals

Me before an audition on 6/26/14

My life is pretty surreal.  Basically, I get to play dress up for a living and it's usually really fun.  The other day I had one of those crazy days where I had so much going on and, magically, it not only all worked out, I even got to my job early that night.  I'm an actor so I audition all the time and I always say that it's like playing charades with strangers.  I get a text and an email saying where to go and who I'm supposed to be and then I put on the appropriate outfit and go act out scenes on camera mostly with people I have never met.  It's a trip.  Living the dream, isn't that what they say?

     I have to remember how much crazy, fun, exciting stuff I do and have done so when the slow times happen I don't get bored or feel useless.  I basically moved to LA because I wanted to be on TV and that's exactly what happened.  I had already done some commercials and a few other acting gigs in NYC but I decided that I would make the move out west and join the modern day Gold Rush and pursue a career in Hollywood.  I got an agent, started auditioning, booked a few gigs and then I got a crazy phone call out of the blue.  My friend Adrienne called to say that the TV show LA Ink needed a shop manager right away and asked if I could come down and meet Kat Von D at High Voltage Tattoo ASAP.

     Strangely, I had so many connections with Kat but I had never even been in the same room with her and, honestly, don't even really know who she was.  I had seen the billboards all over town for LA Ink but they made everyone look rockabilly and I didn't really know what they were for - I mean, I got that it was a show but I never really looked into it.  When Adrienne called I was working a temporary job downtown for a fashion show room, just filling in for market week and I was all dressed up in a wild fashion style wearing my favorite Ann Demeulemesster sweater.  I thought that I didn't really look suited to work at a tattoo shop even though under my outfit I was covered in tattoos.  When I got to the shop the 1st thing Kat said to my was that she loved my outfit - we got along immediately and I started working at the shop and on the show a few days later.

     A lot of magical things happened when I made the decision to move to LA.  For a while I was very wishy-washy about the whole thing, I kept asking people if I "should" move out here but I was unsure.  The moment I made the definite decision to go for it the universe helped push me along and a series of doors opened up for me.  Crazy how that happens.  They say that the whole universe conspires to help you when you really know what it is that you want out of life.  I'd say that's pretty true.

     I was bar tending in NYC and I really didn't want to do it anymore in LA.  It was super fun and lucrative but I just didn't want to be up all night in loud clubs anymore.  I was also DJing from time to time and I still really enjoyed that.  I decided that I still wanted to DJ but I didn't want to work in clubs and even as I was thinking that I was wondering how that could ever happen.  Well,  I ended up DJing for photographer David LaChapelle, who had recently moved his studio to Los Angeles, for all his big photo shoots.  For the most part the shoots were during the day and they were super fun and lucrative!  Somehow, I had manifested that job even though when I had said my goals out loud I didn't really know how they would happen.  I did that for about 2 years and a bevy of well know folks moseyed through LaChapelle Land while I was there - Paris & Nicky Hilton, Courtney Love, Betsey Johnson, Christina Aguilera and, of course, Pam Anderson.

     When you make goals and are firm about your decisions you'll realize that most of them are actually achievable - even the ones that seem outlandish and impossible.  You also have to be open to where your journey leads you.  I had no clue or desire even to work in a tattoo shop even though, obviously, I love tattoos and had spent a lot of time in tattoo shops.  Still, it never was something that I thought would happen and yet working at High Voltage with Kat and our whole awesome crew has been the best job that I have ever had in my life and it has lead to so many other things.  Realizing that I had ended up here because of who I am and not in spite of it was a real turning point in my life.  I never have to hide or disguise who I am to get where I want to be in life.  In fact, it's quite the opposite -  stay true to yourself and amazing things will happen.

      

Ego

Et in Arcadia ego by Guercino, 1618 - 1622

My ego wants to kill me!  I can know and feel something so well and along comes my horrid ego rearing it's ugly head and shattering all my beliefs and knowledge.  I was not happy for the last year or so of my last relationship.  It wasn't as if I was relying solely on my ex to supply all of my happiness, I was completely whole and content when I met him.  My life was full and fabulous and he was like the cherry on top - not necessary for survival but a delicious treat that was a delightful bonus.  Yet, now that it's really over my ego wants me to believe that I failed and that all my hopes and dreams are shattered forever.  My ego wants to cling to some idealized and false version of what was really happening so that now I must suffer and sulk.
     It saddened me to think, at times, that I was about to embark on a lifetime path with someone who was incapable or unwilling to show me the affection and intimacy that I crave and desire.  I understand that, at times, I have an unrealistic and inflated idea of what romantic love is supposed to be, but underneath all that Hollywood romance shit was a genuine desire to feel special, to feel loved.  If the person you are about to marry doesn't even make you feel slightly special and important then, I suppose, marriage isn't the ideal outcome.  I knew all of that, I felt it deep down yet now almost 2 months after the break-up my ego has me suffering and longing for something that never was.
     Each one of us is the star in our own movie about our life.  Because of that literally nothing that another person does in life is about you, it's about them.  The ego has a different way of thinking about things.  The ego wants us to believe that the entire world revolves around us and therefore each and every thing that happens is about us.  This causes tremendous pain and can make something as innocent and as random as an Instagram picture the source of gut wrenching emotion.
     So, what is the solution?  How does one kill the ego before it kills us itself?  I wish I knew a very specific and exact answer to that.  I know for sure (even though I haven't been doing very well at practicing it) that gratitude shuts ego the fuck up.  Being grateful for the things that I DO have and not pining away for the things that I DON'T have causes serenity and peace.  As I've said before, I live in Hollywood and pretty much have created my own life to lead and, for the most part, it's pretty exciting and filled with love.  So, why then must my ego claw it's way into my psyche to destroy the beautiful picture I have painted of myself?!  Perhaps recognizing that this is what is happening is also a major step in ending the ego driven madness.  Maybe our main task in life is to become our own hero to rescue ourselves from and slay the ferocious fire-breathing dragon that wants to kill us.  I can write my own fairy tale and in it love from me to me is what will save the day.