Frida Kahlo - The Love Embrace of the Universe,the Earth,Myself,Diego and Senor Xolotl, 1949
What is it that causes emotional pain? Is it when reality doesn't coincide with the script we have written for ourselves in our brains? Is it when we idealize our pasts and remember them as idyllic even though they were far from it? Is it when we project with fear about future outcomes and circumstances in our lives.? Actual trauma obviously has lasting effects on us as humans but it's what our brains do with the information that causes the hurting. You cannot change your past but you can change how you see yourself and you can even go back and heal the child within.Dr. Arlene Drake who is one of the most amazing therapists and women I have ever met taught me that re-parenting myself was possible. When trauma happens we often are stunted and part of us stays frozen in that moment forever. If trauma happens as a child that child is still trapped inside in that moment and needs to be rescued, healed and loved. Pretty lofty stuff but it makes complete sense. I know for me I would often re-tell and re-live circumstances from my childhood and 1/2 the time it was my subconscious bringing these moments up like an old movie playing on a loop. I couldn't escape them and much of my actions as an adult were a direct result of trying to stamp out these memories.
I was fortunate enough to find my way to Arlene when I was actually ready to deal with and conquer my demons. I had been sober about 5 years but I knew that I needed to delve deeper in my issues than a 12 step program could provide. I wasn't happy and I kept picking really unavailable people to date - I was the one who was truly unavailable though. One night I went to a large dinner party and the table was so big and loud that it was impossible to strike up a conversation with anyone who wasn't sitting directly next to me. I was seated next to my friend Debbie and for some reason I was very honest and open with her about what I was going through. She related and told me about the intense and life changing therapy she had with Dr. Drake. I knew I needed therapy but the task of finding someone good was daunting to say the least. Debbie gave me Arlene's card and I called her the very next day. I was truly ready and the teacher truly appeared.
The experiences we have never leave us but we can work on ways to not have them rule over us like a nasty warlord. In a strange way I am grateful for all that I have been through even the really painful shit because it made me into the person I am today. Somehow, I didn't let myself or my experiences completely destroy me. Something in me had the willingness and the desire to become a person who can honestly enjoy and even love myself and my life. I know that I was not put on earth to be a sad and lonely person - no one is.
Some of these ideas may seem esoteric - inner child and re-parenting, but they are the core fundamentals of overcoming trauma and childhood pain. It's amazing to actually visualize the hurting child within and to talk to him and lead him out of the darkness. After all, its the subconscious running the show and issues that are ignored only grow and morph into deeper issues if they aren't dealt with. There's no such thing as emotionally sweeping things under the rug, it isn't a solution that actually works. Instead you will create a large and dangerous emotional, dust monster that will rear it's ugly head and attack your sanity at any given moment.
Somehow, deep down I understood that I was the only one in charge of my own happiness and sanity. I was spiritually drawn to finding a way to deal with my pain and sorrow. As I said above I was ready and through some miraculous (some might say) experiences I found my way to a person that could help me get over my shit! I am forever grateful for that and now even though I still have some bad days and some residual emotions that try to drag me back down to hell I can recognize them and I don't let them take a hold of me anymore. Me and my inner child are trudging the road of happy destiny hand in hand.
