Monday, August 24, 2015

Stay Weird

Dressed as a Cockette for Halloween, 2014

I've always been a weird kid.  Well, maybe, way back in the beginning (like 300 BC) when I was born I was a normal kid.  I enjoyed bike-riding, skateboarding, climbing trees, drawing, painting, playing dress up, putting on shows for friends and family - ya know, normal kid stuff.  It wasn't until I got to school, more specifically 1st grade that people started to let me know I was different.  I never watched, participated in, or enjoyed sports and worst of all, OMG, wait for it...I was friends with girls!
     I even went to an alternative school where all the grades were combined and we called the teachers by their 1st names and did things like make our own root beer and put on Renaissance Faires.  Still, the taunting and teasing began in 1st grade.  I think it was because there were kids from 1st - 11th grade in the same class which even in some hippie utopia is a recipe for disaster.  The older guys started calling me fag, gay-bait, queer-bait, homo - all those lovely labels - long before I even knew what they were talking about.  It was pretty clear that I was different and what that meant to most people was bad, no good, deserving of punishment.
     The thing about verbal abuse is that it's the worst kind - it's effects last much longer than a black eye or bruised rib.  Physical pain is forgotten but those words echoed in my brain for most of my life. I'm not sure how I had the wherewithall to make it through each school day when it was literally torture for me.  I internalized most of my pain and it came out in destructive ways like vandalism and shop lifting when I was really young and then drugs and alcohol when I was older.  Somehow I managed not to commit suicide or shoot up my school and then by the time I got to college I was fully flying my freak flag as high as it would soar.
     I contemplated death often as a youth and became obsessed with dark stuff - music, literature, art, clothing.  That's not necessarily a bad thing as it got me through my most painful moments and also allowed me to know there were others of my ilk out there in the stratosphere somewhere.  Embracing my darkness let me appreciate the light later on in life and now I giggle at my morbid humor.  For sure the main reason why I never really attempted suicide was my mom.  I didn't give a shit about my self but I couldn't bear to do something that awful to my mom - she could never live with that pain and I saw the selfishness in that act.
     I often fantasized about killing all my classmates - not so much with a gun as that wasn't really a thing in the 70's but when I saw "Carrie" I was like "Oh yeah - that's the shit right there!!!!" If only I could inflict the torture back on the culprits with just my mind!!  I don't even think I could have got my hands on a gun when I was a teen although I did see one once in the gym locker room in 11th grade.  I always picked a locker way deep in the corner of the last row of lockers in the boy's dressing room to avoid all the kids I hated.  There was a guy that looked and seemed to be about 20 that was still in my class and one day I accidentally say him placing a hand gun into his locker.  He calmly looked at me and said " I KNOW you're never gonna tell anyone what you just saw" and I immediately shook my head "no" and scurried away.
     Anyway,  now I love the things that make me different.  I embrace the odd and unusual and love to appreciate things I don't understand.  Who the hell wants to be "normal" anyway and what exactly does that mean??  Anything is normal if that's what you love.  As long as you're not hurting others or preachily trying to inflict your views on others then do what thou whilst.  I say stay weird and eventually you will be loved and appreciated for it.






   

3 comments:

  1. Response attempt #2....why does everything have to have "passwords" "modern" "technology"? All that "protection" to "login" and now I have to rewrite my message.... because my response wasn't as important as "password" & "account protection" reconditioning. Moments like these I want my "Carrie" powers to erase "modern" "technology's" attempts to slow natural supernatural being evolution. Because I'm pretty sure I told this computer a the tons of sites with login passwords to remember my info and keep me "logged in" so I don't have to rewrite my gems of response wisdom & "vent" in the first paragraph of response attempt #2....

    I think what I wrote went something like this....
    Well said 💖Greg🎨🎶🌌. Have you viewed the "American Horror Story" show? If yes, how do you like it in comparison with previous eras and current era "death/supernatural" shows, movies, and storytelling? If you have read, heard or seen more of Stephen King's creative expressions, what are some of your favorites and why? Have you been to any supposedly haunted places? Have you ever experienced anything supernaturally interesting of any form? Including dreams. Not necessarily having to be of the "dark" theme. Anything that made you think telekinetic powers or interesting stuff like that may prove genuinely true at some moment, etc.?

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  2. My heart aches for the little boy who went thru so much. If I could have made life easier for you I would have taken away all your pain. You were always special, but, in a good way. You were and am the light of my life. You are also special to so many people that it shows that working thru our pain allows us to shine. That shine is seen by others and that want to be in the presents of it. My special, wonderful son, I am so glad you are in my life., xoxoxo and much love.

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  3. My heart aches for the little boy who went thru so much. If I could have made life easier for you I would have taken away all your pain. You were always special, but, in a good way. You were and am the light of my life. You are also special to so many people that it shows that working thru our pain allows us to shine. That shine is seen by others and that want to be in the presents of it. My special, wonderful son, I am so glad you are in my life., xoxoxo and much love.

    ReplyDelete