New Year!

Street walking cheetah.

Twenty fourteen has definetely been a roller coaster ride to say the least.  My drama-queen, only-child, alcoholic, Scorpio self wants to believe it was the worst year of my life.  That's not exactly true. So I went through a break-up,  boohoo.   I'm not the 1st and certainly not the last person on earth to have such an experience.  I got over it.
     I've always had this knowledge in my mind that love is not available to me.  I don't mean this in a woe-as-me kind of way. What I mean is that as a child, feeling and knowing that I was different from most people I got many clear cut messages from society that who and what I am was wrong.   Things that are unsaid are actually worse and more hurtful than things that are said out loud.  So, as a young gay boy in suburbia there were absolutely no positive role models for me.  There were a few obviously gay clowns that epitomized the hyper-flamboyant type of gay in the media but no one that I wholeheartedly related to.
     Even the most outrageously girly rocks bands like Duran Duran & Motley Crüe turned out to be all hetero. Thier style was just surface it wasn't dictated by sexuality. Then came Boy George and the regular world had never seen anything like that before.  The big question everyone always had was "is that a boy or girl?" Not only did I never question that I always wondered why anyone cared.  I thought he was beautiful but it was too embarrassing for the fruity, gay boy to admit he liked him.
     For these reasonss I never, ever imagined myself in love or with anyone romantically let alone getting married.  I understood that society didn't believe in gay love so I internalized this knowledge and locked it away deep inside myself.  I honestly believed this was true for a long, long time.  I turned 44 in October and my previous relationship was the longest (4.5 years) of my life - by 4 years!!!  It took a lot of deep, discovery and work to dispel my own false beliefs.
     I don't regret any of it.  In fact, I learned so much about myself in that time and we did a lot of amazing things together.  Mainly, I learned that I'm capable of a long-term, romantic relationship. This one wasn't meant to be and I'm not so sure any relationship is meant to be forever.  Forever doesn't exist, nothing lasts forever our time here is fleeting.  Perhaps this last one was practice for something super fabulous that's coming next?  Or, maybe, that was my big long-term relationship for this lifetime?  It doesn't really matter either way, if I stay in the present and don't project some prearranged future onto myself then all is fine and dandy.
      I had some of the best experiences of my life in 2014 as well - thus, contradicting my false drama-queen exaggerations.  I saw friggin Kate Bush, in London! A lifelong dream come true - I have the pictures to prove it.  I saw the David Bowie Is exhibit in Chicago during a trip generously planned by an amazing friend of mine.  I saw the original line-up of Fleetwood Mac.  I attended 2 glorious weddings that were both the sweetest testimonies of love.  I also had 2 fabulous trips to Palm Springs this year also generously planned by another amazing friend who spoiled me rotten.
     The good really does outweigh the bad and if you really look closely the bad isn't even bad at all.  After enough time passes you realize that even the most painful experiences are lessons taught and they are necessary for the next leg of your journey.  Bring it on 2015 - I'm gonna have a fabulous time in you!

Hollywood

Liz Taylor, 1967 w/her Ocasr for 'Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf.'"

I had barely lived in Hollywood for a month when I found out I would be attending Elton John's famous Oscar party.  My amazing friend Sammy Jo, who we lovingly refer to as Pickles (all my NYC friends have multiple nicknames,) was DJing and our other friend's band The Scissor Sisters were performing.  I was super excited to say the least.
     At this point, in the beginning of 2005, I only had 1 job on 1 night of the week bar tending at my friend Mario's party called Hot Dog.  It was at a now long gone club called The Parlour Club that had a very New York-y feel to it. The party was a hoot but bar tending in LA was not quite the same as NYC.  If I made $500 a shift in NY that would've been a slow night, out here I was lucky to take home $150.
     On Oscar Sunday I had taken all the money I had and went to the grocery store, my mind reeling with my fabulous, ensuing evening plans.  All I could think about was my outfit for the soiree my wardrobe spinning around in my head like those racks at the dry cleaners as I was imagining possible clothing combos.  I put my groceries in the trunk, returned the cart to the rack and started to drive off.  I got to the edge of the parking lot when I realized I had left my wallet in the shopping cart.  I doubled back, parked and ran out of my car but the 3 minutes I had been gone was long enough for some nice citizen to abscond with my wallet and ALL the money I had to my name.  The panic set in - mainly because I figured I needed my ID to get into the party.
     I spent a few hours in the woe-is-me department and then the absurdity of the situation set in and I had to laugh.  That's so me - losing all my possessions in the morning, partying with movie stars in the evening.  I got all gussied up and made my way to The Pacific Design Center where there were huge, white circus tents set up to hold the bash.  Turns out all my panic was for nought (as it always is) because I didn't need any ID at all to get it, in fact, it was surprising easy to sashay right inside.  I guess I looked the part with my bow-tie on.
     I found my friends but they were all running around getting set up for the show and DJing so I was basically flying solo.  I walked around a bit in awe of the magnitude of the glamour.  This place was chock full of sequin ball gowns and movie stars - everyone was dressed to the nines.  Then the best thing happened.  I looked over at the bar and saw Chi Chi (pronounced She She) LaRue, famous drag queen and also gay porn film director.  We knew each other so I went up and said hello.  She immediately grabbed me by the hand and said "c'mon, let's go meet some celebs!"
     Well, if a 6'5 drag queen isn't the best ice-breaker I don't know what is.  We marched right up to Brooke Shields, Chi Chi grabbed her hand and bellowed "look at that rock!!" in reference to her huge ring.  Brooke cracked up and we chatted and then made our way through the whole crowd in the same manner.  85% of the people we approached were game the other 15% ran in terror - it was perfect.
     By now it was time for the band to go on so we moseyed over to the stage to watch the show.  We were dancing and having fun and the crowd was super into the music.  About 4 songs in I felt a commotion behind me.  I turned around and saw some huge, I mean linebacker huge, security guards barreling through the crowd and shoving people to the side like sparkly corn chips flying through the air.  The crowd parted like the Red Sea and then Elizabeth Taylor emerged being rolled through the room in a wheel chair.  I was stunned and in awe - this was the most legendary site of all time!  She was draped and bedecked with so much bling she made every rapper on earth look like a fool.  The rainbow prisms of light shooting off all of her diamonds were blinding.  I'm sure she was only in the wheel chair because she couldn't walk with that many karats of stones dangling off her frail frame.  It was like seeing a unicorn except there was a huge crowd around me to witness the event as well.
     At this point the entire audience now had their backs to the band and even though it felt like an eternity the whole scene probably only lasted a minute or 2.  They wheeled Miss Taylor to the very front banquette where, naturally, Elton and his then boyfriend, now husband were seated and she got out of the chair and sat at the table to watch the show.  It was an awesome thing to behold.  That is the 1st and last time I ever saw her off screen.
     All in all the night was beyond fabulous.  At the very end of the party I was hanging out with Sammy Jo and the band and we were sharing stories about all the crazy/amazing people we had met.  We were also looking through our gift bags which we all assumed would be major.  Well, the 1st thing I removed from the bag was a box of Barilla spaghetti.  Mind you, this was long before anyone in Hollywood had ever heard of gluten but, still, a very, very odd choice for a gift bag.  Since the annual party is an AIDS benefit I assume that Barilla was a sponsor which explained why there was so much broken and uncooked pasta strewn amongst the confetti and glitter on the floor.  I opted to keep my box in tact - after all, I had no money left for future groceries.

Dreams

Stevie Nicks singing "Gold Dust Woman," Forum, 11/29

Fleetwood Mac is a huge part of the soundtrack of my youth. Their music is woven into the fabric that makes up the tapestry of my life. I didn't "discover" Fleetwood Mac on my own they were ubiquitous in the 1970's - you couldn't go anywhere without hearing them and because of that the songs are engrained in my psyche. Of course, they were one of the bands that I rejected in my teen years after discovering punk and alternative music.  In my late 20's they again became part of my soundtrack when I summered with friends every year in Fire Island - we played them non-stop and it was perfect, again (or still, actually.)
     I was lucky enough to attend their most recent tour "On With The Show" last weekend.  I had actually never seen them before and this tour, in particular, seemed like the tour to witness with the return (after a 16 year absence) of Christine McVie.  I was right in assuming that it would be amazing and after they opened with "The Chain" I knew we were in for a fun ride. They followed that up with "You Make Loving Fun," & "Dreams" and proceeded to roll out hit after hit until the final encore.  Earlier I had said that Kate Bush was the last living music icon on my list of people I had never seen live - until this year, that is.  Fleetwood Mac (Stevie in particularly) was also worthy of that list but like I said earlier they have always just been there, I didn't have to seek them out and "discover" them unlike Kate Bush.  I mean, they are certainly worthy of all their lasting fame and adoration but I just didn't relize how friggin' excited I'd be to finally see them.  
     After the 2nd song I decided that Christine McVie is the Helen Mirren of rock.  She's graceful, elegant, timeless and still sounds exactly like she did on all the albums. I can't imagine seeing them without her and I'm glad I didn't.  Of course, Stevie Nicks is the superstar of the group.  Let's face it, all your fav Fleetwood songs were penned by her and without her addition the band would never have gone on to sell 45 million copies of "Rumous."  Stevie can't quite hit those high notes anymore but we still love her and forgive her because we all know her whole story and it's shocking that she's still standing let alone performing at all (lord knows I relate 100%.)  Plus, she's adorable and I love that she's graduated to only wearing all black now.
      Stevie told a great story about how her and Lindsey (pre-Fleetwood) started having some success musically and were lucky to open for so many legends like Jimi Hendrix (in front of an audience of 70,000,) Janis Joplin (30,000,) The Eagles, Chicago - the list goes on.  She said she had started to make a little money for the 1st time, she saved a few months pay and was so excited to finally go to the legendary San Francisco store The Velvet Underground.  She walked in and onto the floor that was painted in a beautiful way that she said she has never seen the likes of since & she was in awe of all the gorgeous clothes - she still couldn't afford to buy a thing.  She had what she calls a "future premonition" while in the store and she saw herself not only shopping there soon but never having to look at a price tag again. She was, of course, correct and she said the point of her story wasn't to boast but to let us all know to never stop following our dreams and to never, ever listen to anyone that tells us that we can't do what you want to in life! This was obviously the introduction to "Gypsy" which, I'm certain, is on most people's Top 5 Fleetwood Mac Songs list. 

So I'm back to the velvet underground

Back to the floor that I love

To a room with some lace and paper flowers

Back to the gypsy that I was 

Beside the show the people watching was amazing!  It's nice to go to a concert where I actually feel young in the crowd, nowadays when I see bands I'm fully aware that I could be most people's dads or even (gasp) granddads.  I'd say he median age for this event was 65, give or take several decades.  Before the show we were in the newly renovated Forum Club for a pre-show soiree that included a photographically decorated cake featuring the whole band and a buffet style spread.  I was telling my friends a story about this fun & weird Kiss show I had seen years ago in NYC, Kiss is 3D (aren't all concerts "3D?".)  Just as I finished my story my friend taps me on the shoulder and points and who of all people is standing & waiting in line for a loose meat sandwich (please tell me you get the joke?) - Paul Stanley, of course!  There was also an woman who bore a striking resemblance both physically and fashionably to Barbra Streisand, decked out in many shades of beige.

     Fleetwood Mac played for nearly 3 hours and did every single one of their hits except "Sara."  Even before the 1st encore I was having a hard time imaging what they had left to do but with 40+ year career  I guess it would be impossible for them to run out of songs.  The final encore was "Songbird" which Christine McVie performed alone with a piano.  It was quite a treat knowing that they hadn't done that song in at least 16 years.  In that moment though I was thinking that it was odd that Christie would have the final word of such a momentous show.  Well, as soon as she was done signing and exiting the stage Miss Nicks sauntered back out (there it is) onto center stage to tell one final story to close the night.  She said that that has always been her thing in Fleetwood Mac, coming out to say the final goodbye and leave us with some parting words.  Her story was cute and funny and happened to be about Christine but it doesn't take Dr. Freud to understand that Stevie was not about to be upstaged by anyone.  Makes me love her even more, actually - gotta have a little bit of a bitch inside to get that far in life.

Gratitude

Throwback Thursday - me in 1976

The law of attraction is whatever you put out into the world comes back to you.  It's similar to Karma and other such spiritual beliefs.  It also means that what you focus on grows (insert sexual joke here) so your mood has a lot to do with your circumstances.  At the beginning of the summer when I was having a rough time due, mostly, to my broken engagement I kept saying out loud that I felt like I was drowning.  I had this distinct image of myself in my brain of my body suspended in liquid, limbs akimbo like those haunting scenes in "Under The Skin."  I couldn't figure out why I couldn't shake the feeling.  Now, looking back I realize that I was manifesting and perpetuating it.  Thinking about myself not doing well was part of the cause of my not doing well.  Nearly impossible to realize this as it's happening though.
     Last month I was talking to one of my best friends, Theo, on the phone and I was saying how this year had been so terrible.  She astutely and positively said that there was still time to turn it around.  My reaction was not one of the glass-half-full mentality and I quickly shot down that notion.  Something happened later that week though and I decided to take some action to make things happen in my life.  I wasn't necessarily trying to change my mood but I thought I had better change my circumstances before I create a real shit storm in my life.
     At the time I didn't know what was going to happen with my job at High Voltage Tattoo so with the encouragement of another great friend of mine I sat down to write a resume and apply for this job at an art gallery.  I don't know about you but the idea of writing a resume and cover letter and applying for a job makes me want to crawl into the corner in a fetal position and rock myself to sleep in tears.  I'm just not cut out for that kind of thing and I also sell myself short thinking I have no skills to mention (insert another sexual joke here), at least on paper.  I finally just bit the bullet and did it and, guess what?  It was not only pretty easy to do but I realized that I have a ton of experience doing all kinds of things and I'm highly employable and maybe even desirable to possible employers.  I completed a task I set out for myself and I sent out the email with both a kick-ass cover letter and my new resume.  It felt awesome to do.
     I was fully aware in that moment that it didn't even matter if I got the job I was applying for because I know that when I get into the mode of sending forth productive energy into the universe that somehow it will come back to me - usually in a way I was not expecting.  That's pretty much how I ended up working at High Voltage in the 1st place.  A few days after I did that we found out that we were approved to open High Voltage again temporally next door in our Wonderland Galley space so I didn't even need to continue looking for work.  I also got a call out of the blue from SAG about some money possibly owed to me for a commercial job I did 2 years ago saying that they had finally settled the case and I should be receiving a pretty decent check before the holidays ( go union!!)
     It's hard to feel grateful when the shit hits the fan but, of course, it's the only way to get back on your feet in a timely manner.  You have to actually feel your emotions before you can move on from them and sadness and anger are necessary to acknowledge and accept.  The famous saying goes that "pain is inevitable but suffering is optional."  All you have to do to feel OK about your life is to actually look around the streets or turn on any news station.  I know that I am truly blessed even though I don't own a mansion and a yacht.  Happy Thanksgiving.

Rock-N-Roll With Me

Rob Zombie tour bus, Chicago 2014

A few months ago I woke up to an amazing text from my friend.  He was asking if I'd be willing to fly to Chicago to attend his wife's (also my friend) surprise birthday party.  I mean, you don't have to twist my arm to except an offer like that so I texted back an emphatic YES!! It was also perfect timing because the birthday soiree was taking place the week after I was returning from the Kate Bush show in London.  Just when I was thinking that there couldn't possibly be any other exciting adventures after that doozy - BAM! - another awesome plan in the works to alleviate the come down from Kate Bush.
     There are moments in life when the timing of things all line up and work out perfectly.  It makes up for all those other moments when you just can't seem to make anything work out at all.  Well, this trip to Chicago made up for all those other moments in the biggest and bestest way.  Turns out that a David Bowie exhibit was opening at the MCA that very week that I was flying out there.  The exhibit "David Bowie Is" had traveled all over the world and was only making 1 stop (ONE STOP!!!) in the USA and it just so happens that stop is Chicago.  Fortune was shining it's golden light upon me and melting away all the other dark shit from this tumultuous year!  What could be more amazing than an entire exhibit of everything Bowie, short of a time machine to take me back to 1974 to attend the "Diamond Dogs" tour??
     It was absolute perfection.  My friend Allison and I flew to Chicago on Thursday morning.  We checked into our hotel, took a short nap and then got all gussied up for the birthday bash.  At dinner we all decided that we HAD to go to the Bowie exhibit the next day so we all got up and met in the morning and walked over to the museum and proceeded to be inundated with the magic that is Bowie.  Not only did all that work out so well it also so happened that the Chicago airport was closed on Friday for a full 24 hours due to a fire at the air traffic controller's tower and thousands of flights were cancelled and a jillion people were stranded.  Had our plans been 1 day off we never would have made it on this trip.  For once the gods were laughing WITH us and not AT us.

Outide "David Bowie Is" at the MCA, Chicgao

   After the exhibit we went to lunch then all piled on the tour bus to go to the opening night of Rob Zombie's Great American Nightmare.  We got to have a preview of all the mazes with the lights on and before all the ghouls and goblins had taken their places in the catacombs to scare the living beejeebus outta us.  It was really awesome to actually get to look at the mazes and all the intricate detail that went into designing them and making them so creepy, gross and cool.  Of course, the evening ended with a kick-ass Rob Zombie concert to boot!!  We packed so much into this awesome weekend it was an absolute rock-n-roll extravaganza.
     The next day we went to the airport and even after that crazy, 24 hour debacle our flight was on time and we actually got back to LA without a hitch.  Being surrounded by great friends, great art and rock-and-roll is a sure fire cure for any blues one may be carrying around inside.   I dare you to go to an entire exhibit of David Bowie and not walk away inspired and energized.

    Gentle hearts are counted down

The queue is out of sight and out of sounds

Me, I'm out of breath, but not quite doubting 

I've found a door which lets me out!

     

Halloween

A sample of my famous holiday cards

Halloween has always been my favorite holiday.  For as long as I can remember I have always loved dressing up.  Way before I had access to, or they sold cool clothes in suburban malls I always put looks together that were not necessarily popular but undeniably me.  The older I got the more I realized that I could dress up any time and on any day I chose - not just one holiday a year.

     In my mind the holiday season has always begun in October.  1st, there's my birthday on Oct.26th.  Then, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanza, and, finally, New Year's Eve.  As a child it was always exciting because it meant lots of time off from dreadful school, dressing up, and, of course, gifts!!  To this day I get excited when autumn approaches even though it's really hard to tell when that is with LA weather.  My mom always made or helped me make my costumes and I have continued the tradition by always creating my own looks.  As a really young child I was a clown, a tiger, a native American Indian, Darth Vader (with a tin foil chest panel), Fozzy Bear and a banana - not necessarily in that order.  Recently, I have been a Chic Sheik, a Cockette, dead Marc Bolan, Frida Kahlo, a harpy, Death by Disco (with a broken disco ball on my head) and a witch.

     One of my gorgeous friends named Alicia has a birthday that is actually on Halloween day.  As a child I was always so jealous of people born on that day but now I realize that Halloween adjacent is pretty good as well.  Alicia, known to most as Trani because that is her actual last name, would always have a big, themed birthday party on Halloween.  One year the theme was The Shining.  Now, there aren't really a tremendous amount of characters in that film and the most glamorous costume option would have been the twins but, obviously, that takes 2 to tango.  I walked around my neighborhood in the East Village of NYC to find some inspiration.  Lo and behold I found the most amazing vintage Shriner outfit complete with fez and whistle and an awesome jacket with braided epaulets.  I decided that would be perfect - surely a shriner had stayed in The Overlook Hotel in all it's illustrious past - I decided that there had to have been a Shriner convention there at one point.

     Part of my attraction to Halloween is the dark side of it - the celebration of all things spooky and spine tingling which I have always thought was super glamorous.  There's nothing more romantic that the whole Dracula story - sure beats the pants off Romeo & Juliet.  I mean, let's see - eternal life or double suicide? Hmmm...So, I decided my Shriner had to be dead to add to the creep factor so I went out and got a bunch of theatrical make up and some silicone to make myself a bullet hole in the center of my forehead.  The make up came out so great that it was hard for people to talk to me for too long because it was so realistic.  I even had 2 perfect streams of blood trickling down either side of my big nose that slowly crept down my face until they were dangling off my chin 2 inches.  That theatrical blood is really thick and lasts all night.

     At one point Alicia made a joke that I should take a photo of myself and make it my Xmas card since it would be so highly inappropriate.  At that moment a really large light bulb went off in my brain and I though I absolutely, 100% am doing that for sure!  In that very moment my own delightfully twisted tradition was born and I have been doing it ever since - at least 12 years now and since my sense of time is so shit it's probably been way more.  I alter between holidays for the theme of the card depending on how Jew-y I look - Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah even Kwanza once and when I was Frida Kahlo I finally did a Feliz Navidad card.  This year I dressed up twice so we shall see what the theme is for 2014 - whatever it is it will be a glittery one.  Pretty sure I will still have some glitter on my face well into 2015.  It's like I'm dating a stripper except the stripper is me.

Chic Sheik, Halloween, 2014

     

High Voltage

Many of you probably already have heard the terrible news that my beautiful home away from home High Voltage Tattoo caught on fire at 4am on Thursday morning.  I had closed up the shop on Wed night around 10:30, turned off all the lights, had one last look then set the alarm and locked the door. All was peaceful and calm and, I assumed, I'd be back in the morning to do it all again.  That's not quite how it went down.  I had slept a little later than usual since I closed the night before and caught up on all my work so I thought I'd saunter in a tad later than usual.  When I woke up and checked my phone I had 14 missed calls from a bunch of my co-workers and I knew something was up.  When I got Adrienne on the phone she sounded very somber and said "you haven't heard?" what she said next floored me.  High Voltage had burned down.  Stunned.  Paralyzed.  In shock.

     I got up and went over there as fast as I could and it was all really happening, this was a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from.  The fire started in the back corner of Kat's beautiful office in an area that there really isn't much going on.  It had to be some kind of electrical thing but whatever it was the fire consumed the whole back wall of the shop and even burned a hole clean through the ceiling so you could see the sky from inside Kat's office.  The 1st thing I noticed when I entered the parking lot was the beautiful and charred frame of what was once a gorgeous Kevin Llewellyn painting - an piece of art that I looked at almost daily for many years and was so engrained in the visual landscape of the shop that I never in a million years would have thought it would be gone.  The silver lining here is that no one was hurt since it was 4am.  I absolutely have to look for positive things to grab onto like a giant bouquet of helium balloons that will lift me outta the charred remains of so much love and labour lost.

     I somberly walked through the darkened shop and it was eerie, depressing and felt like a toxic wasteland.  Everything was covered in soot and smoke damage, there were puddles on the floor and the outlines of all the art and guitars on the walls from where the fire fighters had removed them.  Kat's office is pretty much destroyed but the rest of the shop is structurally in tact albeit visually ruined.  It was both better and worse than I had imagined if that makes any sense.  When I heard that HVT had burned down I assumed the entire building was gone.  When I heard it was just the back I naively assumed that the main shop would be untouched - I hadn't accounted for all the water and soot.  Luckily, this is my 1st and hopefully last experience with fires.

     High Voltage has been much more than a job to me these past 6 + years.  The people I work with are much more than co-woekers, they are family.  We have all been so blessed to work and hang out in an environment that is so cool and unique.  Kat, no matter how the salacious media portrays her, is one of the most generous and talented people I have ever met in my life.  The shop is her baby, her life and you can tell when you walk in that all her blood, sweat, tears and love have gone into every piece of it.  The 1st comment most people make about the shop when they walk in is about how freaking beautiful it is and how different from a typical tattoo shop.  Kat sees things in a different way from most people - she is creativity incarnate and she gazes at the world with an artist's eye.  Even the way she takes an Instagram picture is on another level than most.  It is the most heartbreaking thinking about how she must feel during this ordeal.

     I never knew I'd end up working in a tattoo shop - especially one that was on TV.  When I walked into that door for the 1st time many years ago I felt pretty at home.  I had no idea what to expect the day I met Kat but stepping into her office for the 1st time I knew immediately that the person who created it was bad ass and that she was one of my peeps.  I also do not know what comes next.  I'm sure Kat will rebuild ASAP, could take weeks, could take months.  I'm still a bit in shock and on top of all that has gone down this week it is also my BDay today which, for me, is always a time of intense reelection.  Must be a scorpio thing.

     What I do know for sure is that these past years at High Voltage have been amazing and magical and I have made some of the greatest friends ever through working there.  I have made a big, extended family and for an only child that is kind of a big deal.  I certainly hope that HVT is back up and running really soon and is bolder and better than before.  Until then...?

Trust

Dance Around The Dove Of Peace, Picasso, 1961

Dr. Maya Angelou said “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”  I'd like to add that oftentimes people will tell you who they think they are or who they wish they were and, unfortunately, it is usually the opposite that is true.  People say "I'm loyal," "I'm trustworthy," "I'm honest," "I'm not a dick" and sometimes they say such things because they aspire to be that or because they think that you want to hear those words.  The people that really are all those things would never state it because they just are IT.  People that are walking the walk do not need to talk the talk the proof of who they are is in their actions.
     I met someone recently that I was instantly smitten with and we seemed to have an amazing energy and connection together.  We started hanging out and it immediately became a very regular occurrence.  I wish I had seen the whole scenario for what it really was which was simply an animal attraction, a sexual magnetism.  After all, we met on a gay hook-up app (yes, the gays have thought of everything when it comes to sex) and barely even knew each other's names before we we having a naked romp.  I broke one of my own main rules which is to never date someone that I met under such circumstances.  I mean, you never know when or where you will meet someone and have a connection but I wish to believe that the things that last usually come form something more orgainc than an iPhone ap.  The problem was he seemed to be instigating, or encouraging the whole "relationship" as much as I was.
     It was actually super fun at 1st and it really served to get me out of the sadness and hopelessness I was feeling from my major break-up with my fiancé a few months back.  I suppose the dictionary term for the whole thing would be "rebound" but love can surprise you by jumping out of any corner you may pass in life so I went for it.  The problem is that I wasn't listening to my insides which were screaming messages to me like some wailing Judas Priest song.  It felt too good to be true which always means it is and also it was making me crazy.  It became one of those scenarios where I was a total basket case until I got a call or text from him and when I did it was like the opium had set in and all was peaceful and calm.  But a drugged out peaceful and calm which, essentially, is fake.  All of that had nothing to do with him at all and 100% to do with me and my insides.  I was doing that alcoholic thing of expecting an outside source to make my insides feel OK.  That is never OK and never healthy and, ultimately, leaves me feeling more empty.  Those crazy "I-can't-function-without-you" feelings come from trying to force something to be something that it is not.  It's an emotional square peg round hole moment.
   Obviously, it all had to end and even if it wasn't him that actually said the words I would have eventually realized that I was poisoning myself and it was bound for disaster.  I'm more disappointed in me for letting myself go to that place that I hadn't been in years.  For not trusting my own gut and thus becoming suspicious and paranoid.  When I met my ex there was none of that craziness it just flowed and I figured I had finally found out what love really is - gentle and easy.   Hopefully, there is a middle ground between exploding fireworks and trains going off the rails through dark tunnels at 1000 mph and gentle, easy, breezy, beautiful romance.  Maybe there is someone out there that makes my heart skip a beat but also allows me to just be me in a loving and calm way.  I know that when all those weird insecurities and uncertainties start to bubble up it is usually a red flag and that's when acknowledging and actually listening to my inner voice becomes essential.
    People will always show you who they are but we also show ourselves and we always know deep down what is right and wrong for us.  The trick is to actually take the time to listen.  I suppose that's what I really need to do right here, right now is listen...

Moments Of Pleasure

Me outside The Hammersmith for Kate Bush on 9/16/14

There are moments, events in life that are so magical, so special that it seems the stars are actually shining down on you, the moon is actually in the seventh house and that Jupiter has actually aligned with Mars.  These moments make you fully and completely aware that there is something much bigger and more powerful than us mere mortals in charge.  These moments let you look into the face of God (if that's what you wish to call it) and make you truly believe in miracles.  I experienced such a moment on 9/16/14 when I had the privilege of seeing Kate Bush live in London.
     I bought my 1st Kate Bush record in 1985 and ever since that day I have dreamed of seeing her perform.  In fact, there really isn't any other living artist left on my list of  "must-see-before-I-die."  I'd literally seen all of my idols, heros, & icons except for her and, it seemed, like that would never be a possibility. The fact that she decided to do this series of shows after a 35 year absence from the stage is what inspired this blog in the 1st place.  Miraculously, I scored 2 tickets and my friend Linda from NYC excitedly agreed to make the pilgrimage to London with me.  Linda and I have been to many shows together since we met in 1992 and a lot of them inspire awe and envy when I tell people about them.  For instance, Linda got us tickets to see The Dead Can Dance at Town Hall in NYC in 1993 and we had front row center seats - it was pretty incredible.
     We were both so nervous the evening of the show that we arrived at the venue before 6pm and doors didn't even open until 6:15pm.  I mean, who ever arrives at a gig for doors opening?  Well, apparently, a lot of people for this special night because there was already a line out front & we were hardly the people that traveled the furthest. There were so many people from all over the world who like us, flew to London just for this show.  After maneuvering through the throngs at the merch counter we finally made our way to our seats and we both almost cried when we realized we were 2nd row, center. The 2nd best seats we had ever had! I knew the seats were good but what I didn't know is that they extended the stage and in doing so had removed the front 3 rows leaving us in the 2nd row. It was miraculous to say the least and perhaps it was some great reward for waiting 3 decades for that moment!
     When the show started Kate came onto the stage wearing all black, slowly, measuredly marching followed by a procession of singers/performers to the thunderous applause of an immediate full-house standing ovation. When she reached the center of the stage she faced the audience, smiled and outstretched her arms as if she were simultaneously hugging and receiving the love from the audience.  This was the 1st moment the tears started to flow and I'm assuming if I had turned around I wouldn't have seen a dry eye in the house. She was like a magical, lovable, earth-mother, witch and I wanted to leap onto the stage and squeeze her and never let go.  Of course, I'm not that crazy & not at all stalker-y so I stayed put but I practically could have reached out and touched her due to the proximity of our seats.  Thus began one of the most incredible, unique and profoundly, well,  Kate Bush-y performances I have ever seen.
     It would take far too many words to describe the entire show but I will say that not only did it not disappoint, it far surpassed what I had expected. It was music, theater, film, performance, poetry, magic - it was art at its purest and most complete form.  Her voice was incredible - strong, powerful, vulnerable, and chill inducing.  I cried no less than 4 times.  At the expected moments - "Running Up That Hill," & "Cloudbusting," but also during songs that have never before elicited that reaction - "Top Of The City," "Hello Earth" & "Nocturn."  She performed the entire 2nd side of her "Hounds of Love" album which has its own title - "The Ninth Wave."  It's a chilling, spooky, sad & joyous journey into the dark night of the soul and it sounds like theater, like a Greek tragedy set in the delirious mind of a drowning woman, it was always meant to be performed.
     When the interval (that's UK for intermission) started the show could easily have come to a complete end. Already at about 2 hours long had it ended there the entire, mesmerized audience would have gone home feeling fulfilled and complete yet there was still a whole other section coming that was over an hour long! Again, magic!  As if the show weren't enough there was another miraculous moment that took place.  Before the show Linda & I were reminiscing about all the enviable gigs we had been to together and for some reason she told me she'd never seen Annie Lennox live and would love to.  I told her about seeing the Eurythimcs in 1986 and also how I had seen Annie at The Apollo Theater in Harlem in 2003.  I told her about how the night at the Apollo had the most celebrities I had ever seen in attendance at a show and I wondered what other legendary musicians were coming to see Kate Bush?  Linda went to use the restroom and when she was returning to our seats it was obvious by her body language and demeanor that something incredible had happened.  Well, of course, it was Annie Lennox!!!!  She was in line in front of her for the ladies room looking gorgeous, radiant and ageless. The funniest part is that we had much better seats than she did.
     I'm trying my best to carry the beautiful energy and love from that show inside of me and to radiate it back out into the world - it was such an unbelievable experience that I want to hold it near and dear to my heart forever.  I doubt that anything will ever surpass that moment but then again I had no idea a moment like that would ever actually happen in my life.  I know for sure there will be more magic, more moments of pleasure, more music - there will probably be no more Kate Bush shows in store for me though.  When people ask me how the show was I say we went on a pilgrimage to find god and succeeded!

Small World

It's A Small World

I had the incredible experience of making amends to and re-connecting with 2 ex boyfriends this week - both with whom things ended painfully.  The 1st one's heart was crushed by me and with the 2nd one the tables were turned & I was devastated.  It all happened quite by chance, or not if you believe that everything happens the way it's supposed to.  I received a notice that my most recent ex had followed me on Instagram which means that he had to un-follow me 1st.  I sent him a text and asked what that was all about.  He told me he was bummed that I posted a few pics with my new beau  before I had told him I had a new beau.  Also, they used to work together and aren't quite fond of each other.  I had considered telling him but I decided that since he's my ex I don't really owe him any explanations about my current life.  We ended up having a great conversation anyway and he told me that the 1st guy he went on a date with after moving to NYC turned out to also be my ex!
     It was amazing that he choose to share that experience with me because I had thought about the ex ex guy several times over the years and wanted to reach out to him.  We had dated in the summer of 2004 which is when I had decided, for sure, that I was going to move to LA in Jan., 2005.  I thought we were casually seeing each-other but he, apparently, thought it was much more serious.  He was devastated by my moving announcement and we ended things in kind of an ugly way on the streets of the east village one afternoon.  I did really like him but there were other things going on too - I was sober for 4 years and he was on a plethora of prescription drugs that made sleeping with him at night like a horror movie.  He definitely had some demons to battle.
     Now that he was back in my mind I quickly went to my computer, found him on the interweb and sent him an email apologizing for how things ended and for being insensitive with his feelings.  He responded quickly saying it was great to hear from me and also apologized and told me he's been sober now for over a year.  Amazing.  I felt so light and free after clearing the air with him that I decided to do it again with yet another ex.
     I had met this boy, yes boy, at a club in LA that was way too young for me but we hit it off right away.  What I anticipated being a one-night stand ended up lasting for 6 months - 3 of which we spent breaking up and getting back together.  How did that ever happen?  That was NOT me, I never was the guy to go back for more punishment.  I mean, I never tried to hang out at restaurants or bars that I was fired from like some weird ex-employees I have encountered.  Usually, I'm a clean slate kinda guy.  For some reason I was strung out on the boy and couldn't function without him - that was an internal problem with me not him.  I have since realized that what I wanted and expected from him he could not give me because I couldn't even give those things to myself at the time.  A huge symptom of addiction is seeking outside yourself for things to fulfill your insides - drugs, booze, sex, shopping, gambling (basically, all the fun shit!).  It never really works though.
     So, I found the boy on Facebook, added him as a friend and now we, too, are talking via the interweb and, again, it feels amazing to clear the air.  At this point I only have fond memories of both of those guys because I really cared a lot for them.  The painful memories always subside, eventually, unless you have some sort of really deep PTSD that forces you to re-live the same moments over and over again - in that case they still perform lobotomies in Eastern Europe.
     The real lesson to learn here is that people never really go away unless they die and even then they can haunt you from the grave or the recesses of your mind or whatever it is you choose to believe in.  Someone can move to Hong Kong or Brooklyn and be physically out of sight but they still come creeping back into your psyche like that girl form The Ring.  This is why it's essential to not burn bridges and to not harbor resentments - those things only harm us, the person being resented doesn't feel a thing.
     I'm so happy that a seemingly negative moment with my most current ex lead me down this path of healing and closure.  You just never know how or when a message will be delivered to you.  Also, my next blog will be ALL about my experience seeing Kate Bush live next week in London.  If you've been paying attention here then you'll know that the announcement of her live shows is what inspired me to start this blog in the 1st place.  Over the moon I am!!!

Memory Lane

Me & Krylon on a rooftop in SF, 8/11/14

There are few things in life as magical as taking a walk down memory lane with an amazing old friend.  The shared experience of re-telling and re-living moments that you have in common opens doors inside that seem to transport you right back to those very moments.  It's almost as if your common history is more alive now than it was when it was happening - it's like watching the movie of your own life.  So quickly with old friends the conversation turns to funny, outrageous or even touching moments that you have lived together.

     I met my gorgeous, soul-sister friend Krylon in 1993 when I had started working at a popular East Village haunt called Stingy Lulu's.  I was fresh out of rehab (if you didn't go to rehab in the early 90's you were doing it wrong) and had recently moved back to NYC after staying at my Mom's in upstate, NY for a few months.  I was working as a cashier at a crunchy health food store when I ran into my friend Toni from college.  She was tending bar at Lulu's and asked me if I would be interested in being a waiter.  This was like the golden ticket for a post-grad, 22 year old in the city.  Waitering jobs were great money, all cash and always included tons of free food and drinks.  The catch 22 was that it was impossible to get a waiting job in NYC w/o a tons of NYC waiting experience but you couldn't get experience if no one would hire you - unless, of course, your friend was the bartender that was tight with the owners!

     After I got hired they quickly asked me if I ever did drag.  I had done some in the past for fun but my look at the time was more Kiss-meets-David-Bowie, androgynous, gender-fuck, glam!  I hadn't done much actual drag that included shaving everything and wearing a bra.  I loved getting dressed up though and I immediately said yes and thus the adventure began.  There was an amazing, melting-pot crew of queens that worked at Lulus and we tore it up inside and outside of that place.  We would stop what we were doing, ignore all our tables and put on shows in the middle of the restaurant and even on top of tables filled with peoples meals.  The wilder we were the more the crowd and owners loved us.

     Krylon and I quickly bonded and became instant friends.  All we would do was laugh and carry on.  I had this self appointed rule that I would never repeat the same exact look twice so I was always coming up with crazy new outfits & styles.  Krylon had this joke that I could blend a toaster into my hair and people would think it was real.  I always wore my wigs mid-way at the scalp and left my real hair out in front that way the hair line and part was always natural.  I could literally have a pink afro on and people would ask me if it was my real hair!  We joked about my hair everyday - the cheaper the wig the better and I always had so many bobby pins in my head that I could've picked the locks at Fort Knox.

     One night during my shift I called a drug dealer from the restaurant phone (cell phones were not in the picture in 1993) that would always meet you around the corner in a town car.  You'd hop in, they'd drive around the block while your transaction took place then drop you off near where they had picked you up.  I ran out the door of Lulu's, mid-shift, on a really busy night and sprinted like a gazelle across the street in stilettos.  Well, of course, my heel snapped off mid flight and came right off my shoe completely.  I snatched it up, hopped in the town car to get my stash then realized I had no back up pair and still had to work all night long.  When the car dropped me off I hobbled to the nearest bodega (deli, convenient store, whatever you happen to call them) and bought a huge roll of duct tape.  I got back to the restaurant and I taped that damn shoe and heel directly to my foot and ankle - I used so much tape that it was more sturdy than the shoes were to begin with.

     That particular night Krylon and I went out after work at 2am, closed down a local bar then went to an infamous after-hours club on Ave. B called Save The Robots.  We didn't get out of there until 9am which meant we were in our stilettos for at least 15 hours straight!  Even though I didn't have spare shoes I never, ever left the house in drag without a pair of sunglasses - 9am wasn't an unusual time to get home back then.  Ah, the folly of youth.

     Now, Krylon lives in SF and is an amazing band called Double Duchess and, basically looks exactly the same, if not better, than when we met as baby drag queens a jillion years ago.  It's a trip to think of how many lifetimes we each lead on this planet.  Krylon and I met 21 years ago and even though we don't see each other enough when we do it's the same as it was back then - except we are both super healthy and sober now.   I don't think any of us realized how magical that time was as it was happening.  Almost everyone that we knew and loved lived within a 10 block radius of each other in the East Village.  Now, we are all dispersed but the connections will forever be the same beautiful, loving, fun connections they were in the beginning.

Some of the Lulu's crew - Krylon and Me top left.

     

     

Living In The Eighties.

my 1st yr. at college, 1988

Growing up in Upstate, NY I didn't have the opportunity to see a tremendous amount of live music.  I did manage to see some really big bands at the time like Duran Duran and The Eurythmics and I even saw Crosby, Stills and Nash - all the freaks hung out together so there was a certain level of "hippie" music that was acceptable especially on lots of LSD.  My teenage self drew the line at The Grateful Dead and even though I really didn't know their music that much I detested them on principal.
     Of course, I went to tons of obligatory hardcore matinees at the local VFW halls and saw a million bands with acronyms like C.O.C., MDC, D.R.I., D.OA. but I really didn't love any of those bands and I kind of hated those shows.  I never really felt safe with the mosh pits swirling around me, especially in the mid-80's when they were pretty violent and punks had A LOT of sharp hardware on their jackets.  I was obsessed with The Butthole Surfers after I heard their genius cover of "American Woman" on the local college radio station and I got to see them at SUNY Buffalo in 1986 - it was a pretty life changing show.  They had 2 drummers, a topless gogo dancer with her head shaved like she was having chemo and her teeth coverered in tin foil, videos on loop of child birth superimposed with ants furiously crawling out of an ant hill and Gibby, the singer, was wearing a yellow, old lady, housedress and had his long hair sprayed straight up in the air about 2 feet tall.  I was hooked.
     Really, though, I was way more into dark wave and goth music and was obsessed with every band that was on the 4AD label at the time.  The Cocteau Twins, The Dead Can Dance, Clan Of Xymox, This Mortal Coil to name a few.  I was also into everything new wave and, of course, my all time favorite for life was and is Siouxsie & The Banshees.  These bands didn't really pop by Schenectady, NY at all though.
     Everything changed for me the second I went away to college though.  I went to an artsy state school called SUNY Purchase which was about an hour outside of NYC.  Suddenly, a whole world of live music and opportunities opened up for me and it was a magical time to say the least.  Within the course of my 1st year away at college I got to see a ton of my all time fav bands.  The Cocteau Twins and The Dead Can Dance played within the same week and I even managed to get front row seats for The Dead Can Dance!  I saw Skinny Puppy on Halloween night at Irving Plaza with NIN as an opening act, it was 1988.  The stoic NY crowd literally stood still, arms crossed for all of Nine In Nails set no one could care less at the time.
     The cherry on top of the giant, musical,  ice cream sundae was, of course, Siouxsie & The Banshees at Radio City Music Hall for their Peepshow tour just 6 days before my 18th Bday!!  I'll never forget that night and exactly how I looked.  I was so happy because my blue-black crimped hair came out perfect that day and it was never bigger than it was for that show.  I had on my favorite, vintage, paisley vest on top of all black, of course, tons of black eyeliner, and was wearing a collection of antique rosary beads that my goth-est friend had given me (stolen from her grandma.)  I bought the tickets for me and some friends the day they went on sale - back then you actually called the ticket line until you got through and placed your order over the phone if you weren't able to physically wait in line outside the venue.  I got us seats in row S which doesn't sound so bad until you realize that Radio City Music Hall is set up with rows AA - ZZ and then rows A - Z, essentially we were in row 45 with the balcony overhead so it seemed even farther away.  Before the show started I had met some over-the-top goth girls by the bathroom that liked my hair and thought I was really cute.  About 4 songs into the show they walked by my row and when they saw me they grabbed me and brought me all the way down to their seats which were smack dab in the center of row 4!!!!  I had the best night ever, I could almost touch Siouxsie.  The friends that I ditched were none too pleased and during the ride back to college you could cut the tension and silence with a knife - inside I was reeling though.  That show is forever etched in my memory.
     My friends at school and I also went to tons of shows at CBGB's and The Pyramid Club.  We'd all pile into my hatchback and get on the highway into NYC to see all the best/wildest local bands at the time.  We'd go to the East Village every time The Lunachicks, The Voluptuous Horror Of Karen Black or a little local band (at the time ) White Zombie played.  Those shows were so crazy and fun and I even ended up becoming friends with all 3 of those bands.  Back then the scene was so much smaller and if you looked outrageous, as we all did, and went to every show eventually you got to hang out with all your favorite bands.  I made some of my best, life-long friends at seedy, beer-soaked punk clubs.  Looking back I don't think anyone realized what a special time it was - we were all young and unencumbered by real life and auto-tune was yet to be the standard in most music.

Set list for the Siouxsie show, 1988

   

Happy?

Still from the 1980 film "9 to 5"

Happiness is a choice.  Or so they say.  I am fully aware that everything begins in the brain, our thoughts dictate our reality.  It's impossible to think a certain way and then feel a completely different way.  If you "know' that things will turn out badly then, most definitely, they will.  The problem is that you cannot simply think yourself into a certain state of being.  "The Secret" was wildly popular for a while which was basically just an updated version of "Creative Visualization" (another book that was popular in the 70's) and it talks about the power of our thoughts.  All of these thoughts require action though so it's not like you can sit on your couch, alone and think yourself happy, rich, sober, content - whatever it is you want to be.
     Sometimes, in the morning, before I'm even fully awake my brain starts reeling and spewing all kinds of negative thoughts.  Crazy how the 1st things I think of on certain days are insecurities, fears, judgments and other such negative nuggets.  I have to stop and consciously redirect my thoughts and energies in the opposite direction.  This isn't to say that I don't wake up in a peaceful or joyous mood too but on those days I simple leap out of bed and skip to the kitchen followed by a cartoon trail of birds and butterflies like the Lily Tomlin scene in "9 To 5" when she's about to poison her bosses coffee.  When I do make the point of stating my intentions upon awakening - to myself or the universe or my dogs or whoever else is listening - and direct my thoughts into having a happy, productive and/or lucrative day then, usually, that's exactly what happens.  Of course, I have to remember those intentions and get back on course if I'm thwarted by stress or negativity at any point later.
     I am also drawn to sadness and melancholia though, I always have been.  I've always had an interest and appreciation for things that are dark and moody.  Perhaps it's healthy to explore those options too as long as there is a balance and you don't reside full-time in that world.  I think it's natural to be attracted to all types of feelings and moods.  Certainly, you've all met someone who is 110% happy and upbeat at all times and it seems really phony if not down right scary.  Maybe some of those people know the actual "secret" and really live in that elated, positive space always.  Or, perhaps, they are mostly sociopaths that are incapable of seeing all the torture and injustice that is perpetually happening all over the world.  Is ignorance really bliss?
     Like I said earlier it's important to have a positive outlook on life but it's equally important to take the steps it requires to really, fully create a life that is filled with joy and serenity.  I tried for years to think myself sober and every time I woke up sick, alone and afraid I would tell myself "never again!!!" and within a few hours I'd be off to the races.  It was a horrible cycle that didn't get broken until I admitted I had a problem and then asked people to help me stop killing myself.  Once I set the action in motion I was actually able to achieve what I had desired to do for so long but was incapable of.
    Anyway, the next time someone says to you "don't worry, be happy" you can punch them in the throat and then laugh to yourself about what a great feeling that was.  Balance. Now that is happiness!

Flying

"Starry Night" by Van Gogh

When I was a really little boy I could fly.  Several nights a week right as I was drifting off into dreamland I would feel my bed vibrate and pulse and my bedroom ceiling would open up wide and my bed would take off into the night sky, sheets flapping in the wind.  I would ride the bed like I was on the helm of ship riding the ocean waves.  I would look down and around and see my house and my whole town from above and it was magical and magnificent.  Then I would wake up in the morning usually forgetting it had even happened.
     I never told anyone or talked about it, it didn't seem unusual or abnormal to me and it really never occurred to me to discuss it.  Little kids are tapped into a deeper realm than adults and there is a definite sense of wonder and magic in their lives.  That is, until real problems happen and the magic gets tucked away deeper and deeper until it's just a small kernel, practically unreachable, buried within.
     The flying stopped when my parents got divorced.  That is not to say that my life was 100% idyllic before that but the reality of my Dad physically walking away marked a huge change in my life and me.  I did not handle it well.  I was physically sick for a week, throwing up and nauseous and a part of me never really recovered from that time.  Later on in middle school I even developed this phantom stomach illness that would leave me doubled over in crippling pain and yet the doctors could never figure out what was wrong.  It is so clear to me know that it was stress and that the stomach region is where I tend to carry and store all of my lovely stress.
     I have experienced a sensation similar to the flying one later in life but only a few times.  The 1st time was at a yoga class in college that I begrudgingly took to fulfill my gym quota.  We were lying flat on our back at the end of class for the meditation portion.  The teacher was gently coaxing us - relax your toes, relax the arches of your feet, relax your ankles - slowly going through the entire body. When she got to the tops of our heads I felt this crazy vibration as if the entire room was spinning really fast around me as I floated completely still in the middle.   It was an unusual sensation that was almost scary for a second until I just went with it.  My eyes were closed but all of a sudden I saw myself from above and then from below and it was as if there were 2 of me and I didn't know which was the real me.  After it was over and the teacher beckoned for us to return to our bodies and wiggle our fingers and toes I had the sensation that I was in a full body cast and when I wiggled it crumbled around me and left me feeling renewed.
     So, it is possible to get back to the magic in life!  For me when life becomes too dull and routine I crave something deeper, something mystical and magical to show me that life can still be wondrous and enchanting.  Another time meditating at home I was able to tap into that vibration again, just me on my floor with the world pulsing and vibrating all around my stillness.  I'm not really sure what that sensation is or how exactly to make it happen but I am comforted knowing that there is so much more out there to discover and that, perhaps, real magic exists.

Dating!?!

Before I met my ex I made a valiant attempt at dating.  The experiences I had bordered on the ridiculous and absurd. Each date was more comical than the last until it got to the point where someone even called to "break up" with me before we had ever hung out! It was like an absurdist Theater Of The Ridiculous cosmic joke.
     I met one guy while out dancing and we had a total Jennifer Grey & Patrick Swayze moment on the dance floor. We exchanged numbers and I followed through with a call the next day (so not LA to actually call). We spent so long on the phone that my iPhone battery was in the red and then, out of the blue, he said he had to go because he had to pick up his boyfriend at the airport. Really? REALLY!  All I could do was laugh at that point.  I totally threw in the towel realizing I just wasn't cut out for the whole dating world. No thank you.
     Of course, this is precisely when I met my ex and entered into the longest and best relationship I have ever had.  It wasn't only because I had stopped looking it was because I was whole and complete on my own and really loving my life - that's what made me attractive to another man.  That's also why just recently I met someone at an exercise class when the last thing I was expecting was a connection. It took me by surprise and it was fun and spontaneous and there was an instant attraction between us. We spent one great night together and we should have simply left it at that.  Some moments and connections are fleeting especially ones that begin with lust.  That animal attraction usually does not have staying power and it has nothing to do with the personalities and brains of the parties involved - it's some sort of pheromone hypnosis that carries you away on a wave of excitement.  Of course, we did not leave it at that.
     I let myself fantasize and drift away on the words of a sweet talker that was saying all the right things and making me feel so wanted.  Normally, the things he was saying would have had me running to the hills especially since we had only had one "date."  It was all too good to be true and too much too soon.  The fact of the matter is I wanted to believe in the possibility of love happening so unexpectedly and I am clearly vulnerable after going through all the crap that I have gone through this year.  I was thinking that it could be a fun romance filled with adventure since he doesn't even live in LA - another sign for me.
     You can all see clearly where this going by now, I'm sure.  We made plans to spend a glorious weekend together and I took several days off work and made reservations at a chic and romantic restaurant.  I thought "why the fuck don't I take a risk?  I'm a grown ass man, crazier things have happened.  What's the worst that can transpire in a few days?"  We were texting like crazy and having long and lovely conversations on the phone at night.  Seemed like there was a genuine connection happening.  And then I could just sense that things had changed.  Radio silence - the worst kind of dead air.  And then came the texts..."I'm not ready for a relationship, my mind isn't in the right place, I don't want to pull you into my mess..."  THERE IT IS!  I got dumped before we were even dating.  How does that even happen?!  I thought we were planning a fun, off-the-cuff weekend I didn't think we were picking out china patterns.
     Again, all I can do is laugh - well, after a series of woe-is-me texts to my besties, I chuckled - I'm not a saint for chrissakes!  All I know for sure is that I refuse to give up on love and I hope that the next time I meet someone spontaneously it lasts for more than one night.  At least two, please.
    For now I'll just listen to some Led Zeppelin and get lost in a rock-n-roll fantasy of scouring the far corners of the globe for my perfect match...

Going to ramble on, sing my song. Gotta keep-a-searching for my baby...

Going to work my way, round the world. I can't stop this feeling in my heart

Got to keep searching for my baby. I can't find my bluebird!

Goals

Me before an audition on 6/26/14

My life is pretty surreal.  Basically, I get to play dress up for a living and it's usually really fun.  The other day I had one of those crazy days where I had so much going on and, magically, it not only all worked out, I even got to my job early that night.  I'm an actor so I audition all the time and I always say that it's like playing charades with strangers.  I get a text and an email saying where to go and who I'm supposed to be and then I put on the appropriate outfit and go act out scenes on camera mostly with people I have never met.  It's a trip.  Living the dream, isn't that what they say?

     I have to remember how much crazy, fun, exciting stuff I do and have done so when the slow times happen I don't get bored or feel useless.  I basically moved to LA because I wanted to be on TV and that's exactly what happened.  I had already done some commercials and a few other acting gigs in NYC but I decided that I would make the move out west and join the modern day Gold Rush and pursue a career in Hollywood.  I got an agent, started auditioning, booked a few gigs and then I got a crazy phone call out of the blue.  My friend Adrienne called to say that the TV show LA Ink needed a shop manager right away and asked if I could come down and meet Kat Von D at High Voltage Tattoo ASAP.

     Strangely, I had so many connections with Kat but I had never even been in the same room with her and, honestly, don't even really know who she was.  I had seen the billboards all over town for LA Ink but they made everyone look rockabilly and I didn't really know what they were for - I mean, I got that it was a show but I never really looked into it.  When Adrienne called I was working a temporary job downtown for a fashion show room, just filling in for market week and I was all dressed up in a wild fashion style wearing my favorite Ann Demeulemesster sweater.  I thought that I didn't really look suited to work at a tattoo shop even though under my outfit I was covered in tattoos.  When I got to the shop the 1st thing Kat said to my was that she loved my outfit - we got along immediately and I started working at the shop and on the show a few days later.

     A lot of magical things happened when I made the decision to move to LA.  For a while I was very wishy-washy about the whole thing, I kept asking people if I "should" move out here but I was unsure.  The moment I made the definite decision to go for it the universe helped push me along and a series of doors opened up for me.  Crazy how that happens.  They say that the whole universe conspires to help you when you really know what it is that you want out of life.  I'd say that's pretty true.

     I was bar tending in NYC and I really didn't want to do it anymore in LA.  It was super fun and lucrative but I just didn't want to be up all night in loud clubs anymore.  I was also DJing from time to time and I still really enjoyed that.  I decided that I still wanted to DJ but I didn't want to work in clubs and even as I was thinking that I was wondering how that could ever happen.  Well,  I ended up DJing for photographer David LaChapelle, who had recently moved his studio to Los Angeles, for all his big photo shoots.  For the most part the shoots were during the day and they were super fun and lucrative!  Somehow, I had manifested that job even though when I had said my goals out loud I didn't really know how they would happen.  I did that for about 2 years and a bevy of well know folks moseyed through LaChapelle Land while I was there - Paris & Nicky Hilton, Courtney Love, Betsey Johnson, Christina Aguilera and, of course, Pam Anderson.

     When you make goals and are firm about your decisions you'll realize that most of them are actually achievable - even the ones that seem outlandish and impossible.  You also have to be open to where your journey leads you.  I had no clue or desire even to work in a tattoo shop even though, obviously, I love tattoos and had spent a lot of time in tattoo shops.  Still, it never was something that I thought would happen and yet working at High Voltage with Kat and our whole awesome crew has been the best job that I have ever had in my life and it has lead to so many other things.  Realizing that I had ended up here because of who I am and not in spite of it was a real turning point in my life.  I never have to hide or disguise who I am to get where I want to be in life.  In fact, it's quite the opposite -  stay true to yourself and amazing things will happen.