Unfortunately, one of the things that I learned was how to shoot heroin. A girl I was friends with had an older boyfriend that came to Purchase from NYC to stay with her and he brought all the necessary accoutrements for that task. I thought he was so cool. In retrospect, he was an absolute loser - in his 20's and coming to college to stay in the dorms and help his teenage girlfriend get high. He's probably dead now. Being addicted to heroin definitely did not make the impending graduation from school an event that I was looking forward to. I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life and after 4 years of college weren't you supposed to be certain of that?
After graduation I moved to Province Town, Mass. for the summer like a lot of my friends did. P-Town is a crazy and amazing place. Originally founded by sailors and pirates it has the oldest known and still operational bar in the US. It's also predominantly gay - fabulous! I tried my best to stay off drugs that summer, opting for A LOT of day drinking instead. Eventually, I succumbed to the urges and before I knew it I was making the 12 hour roundtrip trek to NYC to cope dope. I lingered in P-Town until Oct, way after the summer season ended because, again, I just didn't know what else to do. Finally, I moved to NYC which is where I figured I belonged.
Cut to many decades later and, yet again, I am in a state of massive changes and transitions. I thought I was getting married this year and I felt like there was a trajectory that was taking place in my life. I was wrong. Now, I'm feeling very confused and pretty lost. I know that all the sadness and feelings of failure will subside, they always do. A friend said to me yesterday that confusion was a great thing since it means that a higher power is working in your life and taking care of what you can not. I've been sober for over 12 years now and I don't think I've ever heard that pearl of wisdom. I'm gonna run with that one even though I'm not 100% certain that I believe it. Fake it til you make it.
I still don't really know what I wanna do when I grow up. There are a lot of things that I am great at and there are things that I love doing but, at the moment, I'm not sure what path to take. Perhaps, I'll never figure it out. Can't you still be an interesting and intelligent person even if you don't have a specific career? Isn't who you are as a person way more important than what you do? I'm pretty sure that I'm a good person and, hopefully, something really fantastic is heading my way really soon.
I think you are a great person, Clever, intelligent, you working hard to find Your way in this life. And I know something good Will coming to you soon! Congratulations for The 12 sober years! Keep it going. And you know They say: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! You fight a lot in Your life And I think you are so strong! You are a great person! Hugs! Xoxo
ReplyDeleteThanks you, darling!! xoxo
DeleteThanks for sharing your stories. I enjoyed reading them. I'm not always great with "transitions" as well. I'm more the "JUMP OUTTA THE PLANE CURRENTLY, ASK QUESTIONS DURING/AFTER THE EXPERIENCE" type. I don't think it's necessarily "us" I think it's the reality that has to shift. "Commercial competition $tructures" (aka boring non passionate jobs that are not completely the purpose of being) have to upgrade but that sounds kinda off topic here since this is more personal.
ReplyDeleteIn actual reality, everyone is "FAKING IT UNTIL WE MAKE IT." Look at how our reality functions. These "systems" aren't a fan of question asking generally. And most trailblazers LOVE asking questions.
Your post makes me curious about various drugs & their uses in society & want to see or audit the GOVT$. Because personally I want to solve everything for some crazy reason & I want to make all the religious, govt$, drug-lords (those who allow there to be people who get to such states of sadness they use drugs or/& un-stigmatize the use of these drugs for equality).
Basically if people are gonna play the "RELIGION$" card, I want know how they ignore the "nothings" too when they attempt to claim their "GOD$" make EVERYTHING. If one's "GOD" makes EVERYTHING, then I want those people to attempt to explain the purpose & causes of drug use (with the "worst" drugs ~ whether that is monetarily "worse" like expensive to the point it becomes what they spend their money on, or/& physically "worse" as in if the physical body actually deteriorates or/& "worsens" "faster" than "non use".)
I don't have that kind of personal experience, so I am open to learning those people's stories without having to judge the people or the drugs as "bad" since I haven't felt a "loss" of "opportunity" with them.
The patterns I see in society: DRUG / CHEMICAL / FOOD / DRINK use is "accepted" as a whole, but then there's a mini CLASS-WAR always with the various types.
I want to breakdance THAT system. The components seem more like elements much like in Stephen King's "NEEDFUL THINGS".
Like MEDICAL INDUSTRY DRUGS or/& FOOD ADDITIVES, those have many times been "okayed" for money with little or no long term testing. And they don't really care.
Then the STREET VERSION is "ILLICIT DRUGS" like heroin, cocaine, etc.
FACT: Beings like various experiences.
FACT: Sometimes (sometimes) doing TOO MUCH of ANYTHING is "BAD" if/when it begins to faux limit ones greater connecting with non & all.
Yet there's a system overlayed over all these to attempt to CRIMINALIZE specific beings who accidentally "fall" into specific positions.
I guess I'm attempting to reverse engineer that with logic. And you & your posts seem to be connecting with the GAY/LESBIAN/TRANSGENDER/ETC components of what I'm examining. As well as the Los Angeles & Hollywood area. There is so much talent around, yet I feel there's a system purposefully attempting to hold these various demographics "down" or/& "back".
ReplyDeleteBecause for example with the concept of "DRUGS" ~ something I ponder when I'm giving drinks & food & money to various "HOMELESS" "LOSERS" in Los Angeles. Most my "normal" friends think I'm crazy to go randomly walk around giving out that stuff because "I could get attacked & killed", however those people haven't ever done that & don't really know what that experience is actually like.
Because for me, I trust my feelings. I go where I feel to go. Speak with who I feel to speak with with that moment. Conversations with people I would never meet if I did my "normal" path that society & schooling attempts to push me into continuously with their media & design systems.
And when I talk with those people sometimes I see the truth. Like a one legged man named John in a wheelchair who lost his foot from some gun bullet that was in it too long. He mentioned a bunch of drugs I've never done in his stories and how he got to that current position in a parking lot in Hollywood drinking forties alone listening to a radio he had. And what I saw in him wasn't that he was sad about all the extreme stuff that had happened, he was sad because his girl left him 28 years ago & he never got over it.
That's when I saw his tears. It was because of LOVE.
So yeah, I know these stupid systems are playing CLASS WARFARE & it really angers me. We can't be "AMERICA THE GREAT" & I can't be forced to see a MILLION FUCKING CHURCHES EVERYWHERE and see a society that decides to ignore all the "John" types.
How to get society off that fucking rat race treadmill?
Haha. Hope you don't mind. This went a bit tangent. I have a one-track soul at this moment & it wants actual equality or to hear these "systems" that "own" me stop fal$e adverti$ing. Some beings are too heart smart to blindly be the "bitch" of old outdated systems that must stop because mathematically "competition" structure of creating value via devaluing others ("scapegoating") has to stop.
Hey Greg,
ReplyDeleteI can relate with the issue of finding one's path, confused, not knowing, although there are a bunch of different things i'm decent at doing, and i love it.
I just don't know how to choose one thing to start with and put out there, and possibly be known for other things as well, like famous people do ( i think it's easier for them to gain that).
I guess, it seems that we should go with the moment, instead of a non existent past or future, the eternal now, although it's good to plan ahead, for better security and things to come, go about this path little by little. I'm not good at following my own advice, but i don't believe other people can't, if i can't. It's your perspective from what you see and hear. I believe that the answers will come as you go with it,
don't look to hard.
I've seen things in a different perspective now, as iv'e learned from mistakes and being with the wrong people during my life, and i'm sure there's more transitions to come, throughout our existence. You can rise above this G, there's so much more i can type about this subject, but i'm going with it for now.
May i suggest you listen to Alan Watts (unless you already know about him)
It's simply, mind blowing. It really helps mend the troubled mind and breaks down,
what is.
Hope to have a non virtual chat sometime, come back to NYc sometime,
hugs,
Linda (Xsis)
I remember those early days well! Believe me, you are a totally differeent person now. I have no doubt that you will find your true self & be fine.
ReplyDelete