Love

Tonight at John & Rafal's wedding at Soho House, LA.

Yesterday, two people told me I looked light - like I was exuding light or had an aura of lightness around me. This was great news to me considering I have been having a tough time lately on the emotional front.  I did feel pretty great yesterday - I got up at 5:30am for a 6:45am photo shoot with the infectiously giggly Kristina McManus, took a cat nap with my doggies, had a lovely lunch date and then went to spin class. All in all, a perfect day. I hadn't even realized, though, that some of the darkness I had been carrying around had dissipated.  Being busy & productive is a great way to get out of your own head. I have always had trouble with the down time, the quieter moments. I judge myself harshly when I'm not crazy busy like, somehow, I have failed at everything. I'm trying to learn to be ok no matter what is going on, to be ok with simply being at times.
    I have been thinking a lot about love lately.  All the authors, poets, artists, singers, philosophers and teachers that I am attracted to say that the purpose of life is love.  What I have realized, though, is that the purpose is not to be loved, but to be love itself.  Radiating love from the inside out and projecting that onto your surroundings not only transforms self, it transforms the world around you.  After all, we see the world through our projections so whatever we are thinking and feeling is what we will see.  To truly be in a state where you love and appreciate and are grateful for all that is around you seems to be the highest state of being that there is.  Easier said than done.
     I know, for me, I felt so harshly judged by the world that I internalized that judgement and then projected it back out onto society.  I disliked things and people that weren't like me and for a while in my youth it served as a means of protecting myself.  Now, I realize that diversity is beautiful and I appreciate things that I do not quite understand and want to learn more about them.  Still, it's hard when there are people and groups out there who operate on a philosophy of hate and judgment - it's hard to rise above and love even them.
     Tonight, I had the amazing experience and privilege of being at the most beautiful wedding.  My two friends John & Raf were wed in the most intimate and loving ceremony surrounded by a small group of family and close friends.  I do not think I have ever cried so much at any event.  Not one tear was of sadness though, they were all tears of joy and celebration and the overwhelming presence of love that was so palpable it was impossible not to feel in that room.  There were numerous speeches by their loved ones and each one was touching and heartfelt and a testament to why this event was so meant to be.  This wedding wouldn't have been possible a few years back since it was between two men and was, until very recently, illegal.  Imagine, a gathering of people joined in the celebrating and supporting of the love of two people and the promise to help maintain that love and commitment was illegal because of the sex of the people involved!  When you witness an event like this it boggles the mind that anyone, anywhere could be offended or disgusted by it.  Two people loving each other is the most beautiful thing to witness and why on earth would it ever matter what sex those people are?!
     These two beautiful men have been very important to me this past year.  They have been the source of much fun, laughter and love and I feel so blessed to have them in my life.  They got engaged a few months before me and my ex got engaged and they both knew that we were proposing to each other at Xmas and kept the secret from each of us.  I thought for sure that they would be attending our wedding too.  This beautiful union that I witnessed tonight did not cause any bitterness or resentment for what I thought was also meant to be my future.  Instead, it fully restored my faith in love.  I am determined to keep pursuing love and to work on loving from the inside out.