Small World

It's A Small World

I had the incredible experience of making amends to and re-connecting with 2 ex boyfriends this week - both with whom things ended painfully.  The 1st one's heart was crushed by me and with the 2nd one the tables were turned & I was devastated.  It all happened quite by chance, or not if you believe that everything happens the way it's supposed to.  I received a notice that my most recent ex had followed me on Instagram which means that he had to un-follow me 1st.  I sent him a text and asked what that was all about.  He told me he was bummed that I posted a few pics with my new beau  before I had told him I had a new beau.  Also, they used to work together and aren't quite fond of each other.  I had considered telling him but I decided that since he's my ex I don't really owe him any explanations about my current life.  We ended up having a great conversation anyway and he told me that the 1st guy he went on a date with after moving to NYC turned out to also be my ex!
     It was amazing that he choose to share that experience with me because I had thought about the ex ex guy several times over the years and wanted to reach out to him.  We had dated in the summer of 2004 which is when I had decided, for sure, that I was going to move to LA in Jan., 2005.  I thought we were casually seeing each-other but he, apparently, thought it was much more serious.  He was devastated by my moving announcement and we ended things in kind of an ugly way on the streets of the east village one afternoon.  I did really like him but there were other things going on too - I was sober for 4 years and he was on a plethora of prescription drugs that made sleeping with him at night like a horror movie.  He definitely had some demons to battle.
     Now that he was back in my mind I quickly went to my computer, found him on the interweb and sent him an email apologizing for how things ended and for being insensitive with his feelings.  He responded quickly saying it was great to hear from me and also apologized and told me he's been sober now for over a year.  Amazing.  I felt so light and free after clearing the air with him that I decided to do it again with yet another ex.
     I had met this boy, yes boy, at a club in LA that was way too young for me but we hit it off right away.  What I anticipated being a one-night stand ended up lasting for 6 months - 3 of which we spent breaking up and getting back together.  How did that ever happen?  That was NOT me, I never was the guy to go back for more punishment.  I mean, I never tried to hang out at restaurants or bars that I was fired from like some weird ex-employees I have encountered.  Usually, I'm a clean slate kinda guy.  For some reason I was strung out on the boy and couldn't function without him - that was an internal problem with me not him.  I have since realized that what I wanted and expected from him he could not give me because I couldn't even give those things to myself at the time.  A huge symptom of addiction is seeking outside yourself for things to fulfill your insides - drugs, booze, sex, shopping, gambling (basically, all the fun shit!).  It never really works though.
     So, I found the boy on Facebook, added him as a friend and now we, too, are talking via the interweb and, again, it feels amazing to clear the air.  At this point I only have fond memories of both of those guys because I really cared a lot for them.  The painful memories always subside, eventually, unless you have some sort of really deep PTSD that forces you to re-live the same moments over and over again - in that case they still perform lobotomies in Eastern Europe.
     The real lesson to learn here is that people never really go away unless they die and even then they can haunt you from the grave or the recesses of your mind or whatever it is you choose to believe in.  Someone can move to Hong Kong or Brooklyn and be physically out of sight but they still come creeping back into your psyche like that girl form The Ring.  This is why it's essential to not burn bridges and to not harbor resentments - those things only harm us, the person being resented doesn't feel a thing.
     I'm so happy that a seemingly negative moment with my most current ex lead me down this path of healing and closure.  You just never know how or when a message will be delivered to you.  Also, my next blog will be ALL about my experience seeing Kate Bush live next week in London.  If you've been paying attention here then you'll know that the announcement of her live shows is what inspired me to start this blog in the 1st place.  Over the moon I am!!!