Trust

Dance Around The Dove Of Peace, Picasso, 1961

Dr. Maya Angelou said “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”  I'd like to add that oftentimes people will tell you who they think they are or who they wish they were and, unfortunately, it is usually the opposite that is true.  People say "I'm loyal," "I'm trustworthy," "I'm honest," "I'm not a dick" and sometimes they say such things because they aspire to be that or because they think that you want to hear those words.  The people that really are all those things would never state it because they just are IT.  People that are walking the walk do not need to talk the talk the proof of who they are is in their actions.
     I met someone recently that I was instantly smitten with and we seemed to have an amazing energy and connection together.  We started hanging out and it immediately became a very regular occurrence.  I wish I had seen the whole scenario for what it really was which was simply an animal attraction, a sexual magnetism.  After all, we met on a gay hook-up app (yes, the gays have thought of everything when it comes to sex) and barely even knew each other's names before we we having a naked romp.  I broke one of my own main rules which is to never date someone that I met under such circumstances.  I mean, you never know when or where you will meet someone and have a connection but I wish to believe that the things that last usually come form something more orgainc than an iPhone ap.  The problem was he seemed to be instigating, or encouraging the whole "relationship" as much as I was.
     It was actually super fun at 1st and it really served to get me out of the sadness and hopelessness I was feeling from my major break-up with my fiancé a few months back.  I suppose the dictionary term for the whole thing would be "rebound" but love can surprise you by jumping out of any corner you may pass in life so I went for it.  The problem is that I wasn't listening to my insides which were screaming messages to me like some wailing Judas Priest song.  It felt too good to be true which always means it is and also it was making me crazy.  It became one of those scenarios where I was a total basket case until I got a call or text from him and when I did it was like the opium had set in and all was peaceful and calm.  But a drugged out peaceful and calm which, essentially, is fake.  All of that had nothing to do with him at all and 100% to do with me and my insides.  I was doing that alcoholic thing of expecting an outside source to make my insides feel OK.  That is never OK and never healthy and, ultimately, leaves me feeling more empty.  Those crazy "I-can't-function-without-you" feelings come from trying to force something to be something that it is not.  It's an emotional square peg round hole moment.
   Obviously, it all had to end and even if it wasn't him that actually said the words I would have eventually realized that I was poisoning myself and it was bound for disaster.  I'm more disappointed in me for letting myself go to that place that I hadn't been in years.  For not trusting my own gut and thus becoming suspicious and paranoid.  When I met my ex there was none of that craziness it just flowed and I figured I had finally found out what love really is - gentle and easy.   Hopefully, there is a middle ground between exploding fireworks and trains going off the rails through dark tunnels at 1000 mph and gentle, easy, breezy, beautiful romance.  Maybe there is someone out there that makes my heart skip a beat but also allows me to just be me in a loving and calm way.  I know that when all those weird insecurities and uncertainties start to bubble up it is usually a red flag and that's when acknowledging and actually listening to my inner voice becomes essential.
    People will always show you who they are but we also show ourselves and we always know deep down what is right and wrong for us.  The trick is to actually take the time to listen.  I suppose that's what I really need to do right here, right now is listen...