Powerless

Hieronymus Bosch

One of the hardest yet most poignant lessons to learn in life is that we cannot change anyone except ourselves.  This is especially tricky when addiction is involved since people suffering from that disease do need a lot of help to recover.  The problem is that you cannot force someone to change or even to want to change.  Recovery is for people who want it and not for people who need it.  The best thing to do is lead by example and hopefully, somehow, someone thinks what you have is desirable and seeks it out also.
     I have a few situations in my life at the moment that are heartbreaking but I am powerless over them.  There are 2 important people in my life who are suffering from the ravages of addiction and the poor choices one makes when embroiled in it.  I have watched the absolute downfall of some of the most fantastic and creative people and it is absolutely unbearable.  At what point do you let go and just hope for the best?  What can you do for a grown man that goes through depilating, open-heart surgery just to land back in intensive care by refusing to change his ways?  What can you do for a grown woman who lets a drug fueled mind allow her to invite a very well known woman beater to live in her home?  People have to live with and in some cases suffer from the choices they make.  Why is it that some people have such a deep down, spiritual desire to change that they find their way to freedom from active addiction?  I suppose the answers aren't really important or possible to come by.  Why is never as important as how - how can I make myself and my life better?  There's the million dollar question.
     I think back to the days when I was struggling and killing myself with drugs.  I see now so clearly how my actions, that I was certain were only affecting me, were affecting all of my friends and family.  Phone calls from concerned friends to my mother, tough love lectures from loved ones, rehab, outpatient group counseling, therapy - none of these things got me sober.  I wasn't ready or willing to give up my bad habits and commit to any kind of change.  So, I totally get it.  Because I can see these situations from both sides it has made me almost zen about them.  Of course, I have empathy and concern and sadness and tears but I know that all I can do is offer love and support.  You could point a gun in the face of someone who is waist deep in addiction and they'd still, most likely, reach for the drugs.
     The only reason that I am sober almost 14 years now is because I was lucky enough to hear a voice way, deep, down inside of me that was telling me I'd never amount to anything if I didn't change my ways.  Actually, it was more like a knowing that I would never find any peace or happiness in life if I stayed a party monster.  I've said it before but I knew that I was the only person building a road block between me and the person I was meant to be.  I could see myself slathering the cement on brick after brick literally building a huge wall in the middle of my own path.  No one else was stopping me from being happy - it was all on me.
     I wish there was no such thing as addiction.  Surely, it would be one of my 3 Aladdin wishes if I was ever really able to rub that magic lamp.  It affects so many people and causes such suffering and is still wildly misunderstood and demonized.  I had no choice but to be affected by it and it's something that will be in my life in one form or another until the end.  For now, for today, as I type this things are right in my world and I'd be a fool to not see the many blessings and luxurious that I am afforded in this life.  I hope that the people that I love that are still or yet again suffering can get to that place too.