High Voltage

Many of you probably already have heard the terrible news that my beautiful home away from home High Voltage Tattoo caught on fire at 4am on Thursday morning.  I had closed up the shop on Wed night around 10:30, turned off all the lights, had one last look then set the alarm and locked the door. All was peaceful and calm and, I assumed, I'd be back in the morning to do it all again.  That's not quite how it went down.  I had slept a little later than usual since I closed the night before and caught up on all my work so I thought I'd saunter in a tad later than usual.  When I woke up and checked my phone I had 14 missed calls from a bunch of my co-workers and I knew something was up.  When I got Adrienne on the phone she sounded very somber and said "you haven't heard?" what she said next floored me.  High Voltage had burned down.  Stunned.  Paralyzed.  In shock.

     I got up and went over there as fast as I could and it was all really happening, this was a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from.  The fire started in the back corner of Kat's beautiful office in an area that there really isn't much going on.  It had to be some kind of electrical thing but whatever it was the fire consumed the whole back wall of the shop and even burned a hole clean through the ceiling so you could see the sky from inside Kat's office.  The 1st thing I noticed when I entered the parking lot was the beautiful and charred frame of what was once a gorgeous Kevin Llewellyn painting - an piece of art that I looked at almost daily for many years and was so engrained in the visual landscape of the shop that I never in a million years would have thought it would be gone.  The silver lining here is that no one was hurt since it was 4am.  I absolutely have to look for positive things to grab onto like a giant bouquet of helium balloons that will lift me outta the charred remains of so much love and labour lost.

     I somberly walked through the darkened shop and it was eerie, depressing and felt like a toxic wasteland.  Everything was covered in soot and smoke damage, there were puddles on the floor and the outlines of all the art and guitars on the walls from where the fire fighters had removed them.  Kat's office is pretty much destroyed but the rest of the shop is structurally in tact albeit visually ruined.  It was both better and worse than I had imagined if that makes any sense.  When I heard that HVT had burned down I assumed the entire building was gone.  When I heard it was just the back I naively assumed that the main shop would be untouched - I hadn't accounted for all the water and soot.  Luckily, this is my 1st and hopefully last experience with fires.

     High Voltage has been much more than a job to me these past 6 + years.  The people I work with are much more than co-woekers, they are family.  We have all been so blessed to work and hang out in an environment that is so cool and unique.  Kat, no matter how the salacious media portrays her, is one of the most generous and talented people I have ever met in my life.  The shop is her baby, her life and you can tell when you walk in that all her blood, sweat, tears and love have gone into every piece of it.  The 1st comment most people make about the shop when they walk in is about how freaking beautiful it is and how different from a typical tattoo shop.  Kat sees things in a different way from most people - she is creativity incarnate and she gazes at the world with an artist's eye.  Even the way she takes an Instagram picture is on another level than most.  It is the most heartbreaking thinking about how she must feel during this ordeal.

     I never knew I'd end up working in a tattoo shop - especially one that was on TV.  When I walked into that door for the 1st time many years ago I felt pretty at home.  I had no idea what to expect the day I met Kat but stepping into her office for the 1st time I knew immediately that the person who created it was bad ass and that she was one of my peeps.  I also do not know what comes next.  I'm sure Kat will rebuild ASAP, could take weeks, could take months.  I'm still a bit in shock and on top of all that has gone down this week it is also my BDay today which, for me, is always a time of intense reelection.  Must be a scorpio thing.

     What I do know for sure is that these past years at High Voltage have been amazing and magical and I have made some of the greatest friends ever through working there.  I have made a big, extended family and for an only child that is kind of a big deal.  I certainly hope that HVT is back up and running really soon and is bolder and better than before.  Until then...?

Trust

Dance Around The Dove Of Peace, Picasso, 1961

Dr. Maya Angelou said “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”  I'd like to add that oftentimes people will tell you who they think they are or who they wish they were and, unfortunately, it is usually the opposite that is true.  People say "I'm loyal," "I'm trustworthy," "I'm honest," "I'm not a dick" and sometimes they say such things because they aspire to be that or because they think that you want to hear those words.  The people that really are all those things would never state it because they just are IT.  People that are walking the walk do not need to talk the talk the proof of who they are is in their actions.
     I met someone recently that I was instantly smitten with and we seemed to have an amazing energy and connection together.  We started hanging out and it immediately became a very regular occurrence.  I wish I had seen the whole scenario for what it really was which was simply an animal attraction, a sexual magnetism.  After all, we met on a gay hook-up app (yes, the gays have thought of everything when it comes to sex) and barely even knew each other's names before we we having a naked romp.  I broke one of my own main rules which is to never date someone that I met under such circumstances.  I mean, you never know when or where you will meet someone and have a connection but I wish to believe that the things that last usually come form something more orgainc than an iPhone ap.  The problem was he seemed to be instigating, or encouraging the whole "relationship" as much as I was.
     It was actually super fun at 1st and it really served to get me out of the sadness and hopelessness I was feeling from my major break-up with my fiancé a few months back.  I suppose the dictionary term for the whole thing would be "rebound" but love can surprise you by jumping out of any corner you may pass in life so I went for it.  The problem is that I wasn't listening to my insides which were screaming messages to me like some wailing Judas Priest song.  It felt too good to be true which always means it is and also it was making me crazy.  It became one of those scenarios where I was a total basket case until I got a call or text from him and when I did it was like the opium had set in and all was peaceful and calm.  But a drugged out peaceful and calm which, essentially, is fake.  All of that had nothing to do with him at all and 100% to do with me and my insides.  I was doing that alcoholic thing of expecting an outside source to make my insides feel OK.  That is never OK and never healthy and, ultimately, leaves me feeling more empty.  Those crazy "I-can't-function-without-you" feelings come from trying to force something to be something that it is not.  It's an emotional square peg round hole moment.
   Obviously, it all had to end and even if it wasn't him that actually said the words I would have eventually realized that I was poisoning myself and it was bound for disaster.  I'm more disappointed in me for letting myself go to that place that I hadn't been in years.  For not trusting my own gut and thus becoming suspicious and paranoid.  When I met my ex there was none of that craziness it just flowed and I figured I had finally found out what love really is - gentle and easy.   Hopefully, there is a middle ground between exploding fireworks and trains going off the rails through dark tunnels at 1000 mph and gentle, easy, breezy, beautiful romance.  Maybe there is someone out there that makes my heart skip a beat but also allows me to just be me in a loving and calm way.  I know that when all those weird insecurities and uncertainties start to bubble up it is usually a red flag and that's when acknowledging and actually listening to my inner voice becomes essential.
    People will always show you who they are but we also show ourselves and we always know deep down what is right and wrong for us.  The trick is to actually take the time to listen.  I suppose that's what I really need to do right here, right now is listen...

Moments Of Pleasure

Me outside The Hammersmith for Kate Bush on 9/16/14

There are moments, events in life that are so magical, so special that it seems the stars are actually shining down on you, the moon is actually in the seventh house and that Jupiter has actually aligned with Mars.  These moments make you fully and completely aware that there is something much bigger and more powerful than us mere mortals in charge.  These moments let you look into the face of God (if that's what you wish to call it) and make you truly believe in miracles.  I experienced such a moment on 9/16/14 when I had the privilege of seeing Kate Bush live in London.
     I bought my 1st Kate Bush record in 1985 and ever since that day I have dreamed of seeing her perform.  In fact, there really isn't any other living artist left on my list of  "must-see-before-I-die."  I'd literally seen all of my idols, heros, & icons except for her and, it seemed, like that would never be a possibility. The fact that she decided to do this series of shows after a 35 year absence from the stage is what inspired this blog in the 1st place.  Miraculously, I scored 2 tickets and my friend Linda from NYC excitedly agreed to make the pilgrimage to London with me.  Linda and I have been to many shows together since we met in 1992 and a lot of them inspire awe and envy when I tell people about them.  For instance, Linda got us tickets to see The Dead Can Dance at Town Hall in NYC in 1993 and we had front row center seats - it was pretty incredible.
     We were both so nervous the evening of the show that we arrived at the venue before 6pm and doors didn't even open until 6:15pm.  I mean, who ever arrives at a gig for doors opening?  Well, apparently, a lot of people for this special night because there was already a line out front & we were hardly the people that traveled the furthest. There were so many people from all over the world who like us, flew to London just for this show.  After maneuvering through the throngs at the merch counter we finally made our way to our seats and we both almost cried when we realized we were 2nd row, center. The 2nd best seats we had ever had! I knew the seats were good but what I didn't know is that they extended the stage and in doing so had removed the front 3 rows leaving us in the 2nd row. It was miraculous to say the least and perhaps it was some great reward for waiting 3 decades for that moment!
     When the show started Kate came onto the stage wearing all black, slowly, measuredly marching followed by a procession of singers/performers to the thunderous applause of an immediate full-house standing ovation. When she reached the center of the stage she faced the audience, smiled and outstretched her arms as if she were simultaneously hugging and receiving the love from the audience.  This was the 1st moment the tears started to flow and I'm assuming if I had turned around I wouldn't have seen a dry eye in the house. She was like a magical, lovable, earth-mother, witch and I wanted to leap onto the stage and squeeze her and never let go.  Of course, I'm not that crazy & not at all stalker-y so I stayed put but I practically could have reached out and touched her due to the proximity of our seats.  Thus began one of the most incredible, unique and profoundly, well,  Kate Bush-y performances I have ever seen.
     It would take far too many words to describe the entire show but I will say that not only did it not disappoint, it far surpassed what I had expected. It was music, theater, film, performance, poetry, magic - it was art at its purest and most complete form.  Her voice was incredible - strong, powerful, vulnerable, and chill inducing.  I cried no less than 4 times.  At the expected moments - "Running Up That Hill," & "Cloudbusting," but also during songs that have never before elicited that reaction - "Top Of The City," "Hello Earth" & "Nocturn."  She performed the entire 2nd side of her "Hounds of Love" album which has its own title - "The Ninth Wave."  It's a chilling, spooky, sad & joyous journey into the dark night of the soul and it sounds like theater, like a Greek tragedy set in the delirious mind of a drowning woman, it was always meant to be performed.
     When the interval (that's UK for intermission) started the show could easily have come to a complete end. Already at about 2 hours long had it ended there the entire, mesmerized audience would have gone home feeling fulfilled and complete yet there was still a whole other section coming that was over an hour long! Again, magic!  As if the show weren't enough there was another miraculous moment that took place.  Before the show Linda & I were reminiscing about all the enviable gigs we had been to together and for some reason she told me she'd never seen Annie Lennox live and would love to.  I told her about seeing the Eurythimcs in 1986 and also how I had seen Annie at The Apollo Theater in Harlem in 2003.  I told her about how the night at the Apollo had the most celebrities I had ever seen in attendance at a show and I wondered what other legendary musicians were coming to see Kate Bush?  Linda went to use the restroom and when she was returning to our seats it was obvious by her body language and demeanor that something incredible had happened.  Well, of course, it was Annie Lennox!!!!  She was in line in front of her for the ladies room looking gorgeous, radiant and ageless. The funniest part is that we had much better seats than she did.
     I'm trying my best to carry the beautiful energy and love from that show inside of me and to radiate it back out into the world - it was such an unbelievable experience that I want to hold it near and dear to my heart forever.  I doubt that anything will ever surpass that moment but then again I had no idea a moment like that would ever actually happen in my life.  I know for sure there will be more magic, more moments of pleasure, more music - there will probably be no more Kate Bush shows in store for me though.  When people ask me how the show was I say we went on a pilgrimage to find god and succeeded!