Fantasy

Bette Davis & Marilyn Monroe "All About Eve" 1950

For as long as I can remember I've always wanted to escape.  I've never felt 100% comfortable living in actual reality - I craved glamour, fantasy, the silver screen.  When I was in elementary school I would get the TV guide over the weekend and I would scan it for Bette Davis and Marilyn Monroe movies.  If there happened to be a marathon on TV one day I would plan to feign sickness so I could stay home from school and binge watch - already a perfect little performer at age 7, 8 or 9!  I'm not even sure how I knew about these glamorous woman whose star's shined many, many decades before my time.  I was even obsessed with Zsa Zsa Gabor who was not exactly a household name in Schenectady, NY.
     I think this desire was always a part of me although it was greatly enhanced once I started going to school.  I immediately learned that the world was not all puppies and coloring books once I had to mingle with the general population on a daily basis.  I went to an alternative school up until 4th grade and even so the kids were beyond cruel.  They hurled a barrage of nasty words at me that I had never, ever heard before and it was shocking and very upsetting.  I was different simply because I didn't like or know a damn thing about sports and my friends were mostly girls.  That shit ain't cool to red-blooded, suburban boys at all.  I understood quickly that I didn't fit in and that I had to get outta Dodge ASAP.
     To this day I get stressed out and bogged down by the mundane.  Dealing with taxes, and bills, and insurance companies and all the unnecessarily annoying and complicated red-tape that the modern world procures.  I cannot even begin to tell you of the absurdity that I am dealing with as the result of my car accident.  It's been 6 weeks and not only is there no resolution in sight it's like the whole process is inside out and moving backwards.  Six weeks in Los Angeles with no car is like being lost in a desert with no water and racing toward mirages that evaporate as soon as you approach.  It ain't easy! These corporate types and insurance brokers are making me feel like I'm in 2nd grade again, it's like talking to 6 year olds.
     Thankfully, I have surrounded myself with beautiful, creative people who think and live outside of the box.  I don't understand the ways of the world and quite frankly I do not wish to.  I do not want to lower myself to the level where something like an insurance claim makes perfect sense to me.  NO THANK YOU.  I will stay up here in the glowing ether blowing kisses in the wind whilst dressed in my finest evening splendor like Marilyn Monroe standing over that subway grate in The Seven Year Itch.  Furthermore, I will flick my cigarette in the face of the insurance companies and tell them to go where the sun don't shine like Bette Davis on any given day.

Crash

Join the car crash set

In life you never know what may hit you. Usually, one is speaking metaphorically in this way yet, unfortunately, I am speaking quite literally. Driving home from shopping on Feb. 13th I was hit, hard in my newly refurbished, sweet, vintage car by a woman backing out of her driveway in a rather posh neighborhood.  For a split second I had no idea what happened - did I hit someone, did a tree fall on me, was there an earthquake?  When my car came to a stop I realized I had been hit.  I stepped out of my car afraid to see the damage and totally shaken up.  The car was a mess.
     The woman was leaving her own house but she was driving a friend's car.  I didn't think much of itat the time but this alone has caused a world of complications and stress.  I wasn't too badly hurt - no broken limbs or blood but I do need a full year of chiropractic care since my neck and back got wrenched and are both really stiff and sore.  I already had to get a lawyer because of the issues with 3 separate insurance companies and they are claiming it's my fault even though anyone looking at my car can clearly see from the angle of the damage that I was hit.  It's pretty much a nightmare and I've been really stressed out despite trying to keep my blessings in plain sight.  Try living a busy life in LA without a car, it ain't easy.  I'm hoping any day now my lawyer will sort this out and get them to issue me a rental car.
     It's funny when shit hits the fan I always tend to default to the "I am not equipped to handle this mode" but, as it turns out, I did all the right things given my lack of experience in such matters.  I mean, who the hell really wants to be an expert in maneuvering around a terrible car accident?!  My chiropractor is amazing and going to him is the only thing that actually alleviates my uncomfortability but it take me an hour each way to get to him - please note he's 12 miles away and that's how rotten LA traffic is at any given moment.  So, I have a long haul in front of me since I need a full year of treatment to get well again.  Hopefully, I will have my own wheels again soon so I don't go mad trying to get around.  Oh, and to add to the Hollywood-ness of this event the driver just happens to be the wife of a very famous TV actor.  Only in LA.
     I had set out that day with the most unselfish of intentions.  I was going out to buy a Valentine's Day gift for my honey and I was so excited because, as usual, I found the most perfect thing.  So many things ran through my mind like why did I turn on that street, why did I change my mind about the store I chose to go to, and why did I even bother leaving the house?  Of course, these are things that are all way beyond my control and the "what ifs" can literally drive you crazy if you let them.  If only in the immortal words of Cher I could turn back time - yeah, yeah, yeah I'm gay, so sue me.  Actually, don't I'll be doing the suing this time.
     On the other side of all this hassle and annoyance is the fact that I'm still in one piece as is the other driver.  No one was in the car with me for surely if they were they'd be much more hurt than I was.  I still have my happy house with my beautiful boyfriend and my 2 little doggies and all of them love me a lot.  That's all that really matters right?  Love.  Don't all the best songs and poetry tell us that?!  I guess it's human to have deal with this kind of shit especially in this modern world.  Sometimes I wish I could simply be an emotionless robot that is incapable of computing stress and feeling - sure would be easier not to mention the never having to go to the bathroom thing.  Alas, I am what I am and if I was a less emotional sort my stories wouldn't be as entertaining.

Ten - Thirteen

NYE 2014 - 2015

Ten years ago yesterday I moved to LA from NYC.  That also means that in 2 days, if all goes well, I will be sober for 13 years.  Those are pretty decent sized numbers if you ask me.  For about 8 years I was saying that I lived in LA for 5 years until I realized that I had been spouting that fact for at least 4 years running.  I'm not great at math but I came to the conclusion that I had been here longer than it seemed.  Sometimes I feel as if I just got here and it definitely does not feel like a decade has passed.

     I had been mulling over the prospect of "go west young man" for a few years but I just couldn't decide.  I asked other people what they thought and no one else had any satisfying answers either.  I waited until I had been sober for several years before I decided to uproot my life and go to the furthest coast away from the East Village.  It's suggested that you don't make any radical decisions in the 1st year of recovery because it's simple too overwhelming, stress inducing and, often, can trigger relapse.  Because of that I stayed working as a bar tender 5 nights a week while I was a newcomer to recovery.  The weird thing is that I became the best bar tender ever because all of the sudden I was focused on my job and concentrating on making money for the club and myself and not distracted by partying behind the bar.  Funny how things work.

     Once I made the firm decision in my mind that I was "Hollywood or bust" it seems that all of these doors magically unlocked.  The whole time I was hemming and hawing all of my plans and ideas seemed hazy but the moment I decided for sure doors sprang open.  A friend contacted me out of the blue because he had been traveling for over a year and was coming back to NYC in Jan. with just a backpack and no other belongings.  He needed a place to stay and I just happened to be leaving my apartment fully furnished.  Perfect.  

     Then, I had decided I should take an acting class in LA but the task of finding a good one seemed insurmountable.  One day I was out and about on a snowy, NYC afternoon and I stopped at one of my favorite places for lunch.  I heard a woman talking and her voice was instantly recognizable.  It was my Grandma's friend Jean-Ann who has a very distinctive, bold, boisterous, NY voice.  I approached her table and was going to ask if she remembered me (hadn't seen her in a decade) and she immediately looked up and proclaimed "Gregory!"  She said my grandma had mentioned my plans to relocate and then for no apparent reason I said I was going to look for an acting class.  Well, lo and behold her sister Robin was a working actress in LA who, it just so happened, was starting an acting class in the new year (2005).  She said I would love Robin because they had similar personalities and I always loved Jean-Ann!!!  Again, crazy how stuff works out. 

     To be quite frank I moved to LA because I wanted to be on TV.  I mean, I had already appeared in a national Always Panty Liners (no joke) commercial and played a - wait for it...junkie on "Law & Order: Criminal Intent."  But, I wanted to do a lot more of that.  I easily signed with an agent out here because, like I said, things were all falling into place and I started booking more national commercials.  Most of you already know the story but a few years later seemingly out of the blue I got a call to come meet Kat Von D ASAP to discuss the possibility of being the new shop manager on LA Ink.  Of course, that's exactly what I did and there it was - I was on TV regularly and it was tons of fun for a while.

     Now, it's a new year and I realize that I haven't set any new goals for myself lately.  Looking back it seems like most of the goals that I did set came true in one way or another.  The thing about making goals, writing them down, saying then out load, shouting them to the universe is that most often they do materialize!!  They usually don't happen in the manner or time frame in which you expect though which is why its important to keep expectations in check.  You absolutely can create the magic that you desire in your life and be the alchemist of your own destiny.

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” 

― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Hollywood

Liz Taylor, 1967 w/her Ocasr for 'Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf.'"

I had barely lived in Hollywood for a month when I found out I would be attending Elton John's famous Oscar party.  My amazing friend Sammy Jo, who we lovingly refer to as Pickles (all my NYC friends have multiple nicknames,) was DJing and our other friend's band The Scissor Sisters were performing.  I was super excited to say the least.
     At this point, in the beginning of 2005, I only had 1 job on 1 night of the week bar tending at my friend Mario's party called Hot Dog.  It was at a now long gone club called The Parlour Club that had a very New York-y feel to it. The party was a hoot but bar tending in LA was not quite the same as NYC.  If I made $500 a shift in NY that would've been a slow night, out here I was lucky to take home $150.
     On Oscar Sunday I had taken all the money I had and went to the grocery store, my mind reeling with my fabulous, ensuing evening plans.  All I could think about was my outfit for the soiree my wardrobe spinning around in my head like those racks at the dry cleaners as I was imagining possible clothing combos.  I put my groceries in the trunk, returned the cart to the rack and started to drive off.  I got to the edge of the parking lot when I realized I had left my wallet in the shopping cart.  I doubled back, parked and ran out of my car but the 3 minutes I had been gone was long enough for some nice citizen to abscond with my wallet and ALL the money I had to my name.  The panic set in - mainly because I figured I needed my ID to get into the party.
     I spent a few hours in the woe-is-me department and then the absurdity of the situation set in and I had to laugh.  That's so me - losing all my possessions in the morning, partying with movie stars in the evening.  I got all gussied up and made my way to The Pacific Design Center where there were huge, white circus tents set up to hold the bash.  Turns out all my panic was for nought (as it always is) because I didn't need any ID at all to get it, in fact, it was surprising easy to sashay right inside.  I guess I looked the part with my bow-tie on.
     I found my friends but they were all running around getting set up for the show and DJing so I was basically flying solo.  I walked around a bit in awe of the magnitude of the glamour.  This place was chock full of sequin ball gowns and movie stars - everyone was dressed to the nines.  Then the best thing happened.  I looked over at the bar and saw Chi Chi (pronounced She She) LaRue, famous drag queen and also gay porn film director.  We knew each other so I went up and said hello.  She immediately grabbed me by the hand and said "c'mon, let's go meet some celebs!"
     Well, if a 6'5 drag queen isn't the best ice-breaker I don't know what is.  We marched right up to Brooke Shields, Chi Chi grabbed her hand and bellowed "look at that rock!!" in reference to her huge ring.  Brooke cracked up and we chatted and then made our way through the whole crowd in the same manner.  85% of the people we approached were game the other 15% ran in terror - it was perfect.
     By now it was time for the band to go on so we moseyed over to the stage to watch the show.  We were dancing and having fun and the crowd was super into the music.  About 4 songs in I felt a commotion behind me.  I turned around and saw some huge, I mean linebacker huge, security guards barreling through the crowd and shoving people to the side like sparkly corn chips flying through the air.  The crowd parted like the Red Sea and then Elizabeth Taylor emerged being rolled through the room in a wheel chair.  I was stunned and in awe - this was the most legendary site of all time!  She was draped and bedecked with so much bling she made every rapper on earth look like a fool.  The rainbow prisms of light shooting off all of her diamonds were blinding.  I'm sure she was only in the wheel chair because she couldn't walk with that many karats of stones dangling off her frail frame.  It was like seeing a unicorn except there was a huge crowd around me to witness the event as well.
     At this point the entire audience now had their backs to the band and even though it felt like an eternity the whole scene probably only lasted a minute or 2.  They wheeled Miss Taylor to the very front banquette where, naturally, Elton and his then boyfriend, now husband were seated and she got out of the chair and sat at the table to watch the show.  It was an awesome thing to behold.  That is the 1st and last time I ever saw her off screen.
     All in all the night was beyond fabulous.  At the very end of the party I was hanging out with Sammy Jo and the band and we were sharing stories about all the crazy/amazing people we had met.  We were also looking through our gift bags which we all assumed would be major.  Well, the 1st thing I removed from the bag was a box of Barilla spaghetti.  Mind you, this was long before anyone in Hollywood had ever heard of gluten but, still, a very, very odd choice for a gift bag.  Since the annual party is an AIDS benefit I assume that Barilla was a sponsor which explained why there was so much broken and uncooked pasta strewn amongst the confetti and glitter on the floor.  I opted to keep my box in tact - after all, I had no money left for future groceries.

High Voltage

Many of you probably already have heard the terrible news that my beautiful home away from home High Voltage Tattoo caught on fire at 4am on Thursday morning.  I had closed up the shop on Wed night around 10:30, turned off all the lights, had one last look then set the alarm and locked the door. All was peaceful and calm and, I assumed, I'd be back in the morning to do it all again.  That's not quite how it went down.  I had slept a little later than usual since I closed the night before and caught up on all my work so I thought I'd saunter in a tad later than usual.  When I woke up and checked my phone I had 14 missed calls from a bunch of my co-workers and I knew something was up.  When I got Adrienne on the phone she sounded very somber and said "you haven't heard?" what she said next floored me.  High Voltage had burned down.  Stunned.  Paralyzed.  In shock.

     I got up and went over there as fast as I could and it was all really happening, this was a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from.  The fire started in the back corner of Kat's beautiful office in an area that there really isn't much going on.  It had to be some kind of electrical thing but whatever it was the fire consumed the whole back wall of the shop and even burned a hole clean through the ceiling so you could see the sky from inside Kat's office.  The 1st thing I noticed when I entered the parking lot was the beautiful and charred frame of what was once a gorgeous Kevin Llewellyn painting - an piece of art that I looked at almost daily for many years and was so engrained in the visual landscape of the shop that I never in a million years would have thought it would be gone.  The silver lining here is that no one was hurt since it was 4am.  I absolutely have to look for positive things to grab onto like a giant bouquet of helium balloons that will lift me outta the charred remains of so much love and labour lost.

     I somberly walked through the darkened shop and it was eerie, depressing and felt like a toxic wasteland.  Everything was covered in soot and smoke damage, there were puddles on the floor and the outlines of all the art and guitars on the walls from where the fire fighters had removed them.  Kat's office is pretty much destroyed but the rest of the shop is structurally in tact albeit visually ruined.  It was both better and worse than I had imagined if that makes any sense.  When I heard that HVT had burned down I assumed the entire building was gone.  When I heard it was just the back I naively assumed that the main shop would be untouched - I hadn't accounted for all the water and soot.  Luckily, this is my 1st and hopefully last experience with fires.

     High Voltage has been much more than a job to me these past 6 + years.  The people I work with are much more than co-woekers, they are family.  We have all been so blessed to work and hang out in an environment that is so cool and unique.  Kat, no matter how the salacious media portrays her, is one of the most generous and talented people I have ever met in my life.  The shop is her baby, her life and you can tell when you walk in that all her blood, sweat, tears and love have gone into every piece of it.  The 1st comment most people make about the shop when they walk in is about how freaking beautiful it is and how different from a typical tattoo shop.  Kat sees things in a different way from most people - she is creativity incarnate and she gazes at the world with an artist's eye.  Even the way she takes an Instagram picture is on another level than most.  It is the most heartbreaking thinking about how she must feel during this ordeal.

     I never knew I'd end up working in a tattoo shop - especially one that was on TV.  When I walked into that door for the 1st time many years ago I felt pretty at home.  I had no idea what to expect the day I met Kat but stepping into her office for the 1st time I knew immediately that the person who created it was bad ass and that she was one of my peeps.  I also do not know what comes next.  I'm sure Kat will rebuild ASAP, could take weeks, could take months.  I'm still a bit in shock and on top of all that has gone down this week it is also my BDay today which, for me, is always a time of intense reelection.  Must be a scorpio thing.

     What I do know for sure is that these past years at High Voltage have been amazing and magical and I have made some of the greatest friends ever through working there.  I have made a big, extended family and for an only child that is kind of a big deal.  I certainly hope that HVT is back up and running really soon and is bolder and better than before.  Until then...?

Goals

Me before an audition on 6/26/14

My life is pretty surreal.  Basically, I get to play dress up for a living and it's usually really fun.  The other day I had one of those crazy days where I had so much going on and, magically, it not only all worked out, I even got to my job early that night.  I'm an actor so I audition all the time and I always say that it's like playing charades with strangers.  I get a text and an email saying where to go and who I'm supposed to be and then I put on the appropriate outfit and go act out scenes on camera mostly with people I have never met.  It's a trip.  Living the dream, isn't that what they say?

     I have to remember how much crazy, fun, exciting stuff I do and have done so when the slow times happen I don't get bored or feel useless.  I basically moved to LA because I wanted to be on TV and that's exactly what happened.  I had already done some commercials and a few other acting gigs in NYC but I decided that I would make the move out west and join the modern day Gold Rush and pursue a career in Hollywood.  I got an agent, started auditioning, booked a few gigs and then I got a crazy phone call out of the blue.  My friend Adrienne called to say that the TV show LA Ink needed a shop manager right away and asked if I could come down and meet Kat Von D at High Voltage Tattoo ASAP.

     Strangely, I had so many connections with Kat but I had never even been in the same room with her and, honestly, don't even really know who she was.  I had seen the billboards all over town for LA Ink but they made everyone look rockabilly and I didn't really know what they were for - I mean, I got that it was a show but I never really looked into it.  When Adrienne called I was working a temporary job downtown for a fashion show room, just filling in for market week and I was all dressed up in a wild fashion style wearing my favorite Ann Demeulemesster sweater.  I thought that I didn't really look suited to work at a tattoo shop even though under my outfit I was covered in tattoos.  When I got to the shop the 1st thing Kat said to my was that she loved my outfit - we got along immediately and I started working at the shop and on the show a few days later.

     A lot of magical things happened when I made the decision to move to LA.  For a while I was very wishy-washy about the whole thing, I kept asking people if I "should" move out here but I was unsure.  The moment I made the definite decision to go for it the universe helped push me along and a series of doors opened up for me.  Crazy how that happens.  They say that the whole universe conspires to help you when you really know what it is that you want out of life.  I'd say that's pretty true.

     I was bar tending in NYC and I really didn't want to do it anymore in LA.  It was super fun and lucrative but I just didn't want to be up all night in loud clubs anymore.  I was also DJing from time to time and I still really enjoyed that.  I decided that I still wanted to DJ but I didn't want to work in clubs and even as I was thinking that I was wondering how that could ever happen.  Well,  I ended up DJing for photographer David LaChapelle, who had recently moved his studio to Los Angeles, for all his big photo shoots.  For the most part the shoots were during the day and they were super fun and lucrative!  Somehow, I had manifested that job even though when I had said my goals out loud I didn't really know how they would happen.  I did that for about 2 years and a bevy of well know folks moseyed through LaChapelle Land while I was there - Paris & Nicky Hilton, Courtney Love, Betsey Johnson, Christina Aguilera and, of course, Pam Anderson.

     When you make goals and are firm about your decisions you'll realize that most of them are actually achievable - even the ones that seem outlandish and impossible.  You also have to be open to where your journey leads you.  I had no clue or desire even to work in a tattoo shop even though, obviously, I love tattoos and had spent a lot of time in tattoo shops.  Still, it never was something that I thought would happen and yet working at High Voltage with Kat and our whole awesome crew has been the best job that I have ever had in my life and it has lead to so many other things.  Realizing that I had ended up here because of who I am and not in spite of it was a real turning point in my life.  I never have to hide or disguise who I am to get where I want to be in life.  In fact, it's quite the opposite -  stay true to yourself and amazing things will happen.