Don't Dis - Courage

My house for the next week!!!

I had an experience yesterday that left me feeling defeated.  I had a meeting with someone about a possible awesome opportunity and I was under the impression that I was getting my foot in the door before anyone else.  Turns out that I was actually really late in the game.  I was floored by this information even though I kept my sunny game face on.  This person told me not to be discouraged but the second she said that I went to that deep, dark place of "nothing EVER works out for me!"  It's like when you're upset and someone says "calm down" and a veil of red closes over your eyes and you wish that person bodily harm - perhaps that's just me but I highly doubt it.  Of course, she was right any number of things could happen because when you are dealing with humans there is always a large margin of error.  Tell 'em Large Margin sent ya!
     We can't control circumstances in life but what we can control is our reaction to them.  Unfortunately, after the meeting I was dejected, depressed and disconcerted and the only thing I could really do was take a nap.  That helped a bit.  I didn't stay in my dark place too long I eventually let it go and tried my best to see things in a glass half-full perspective.  I was bummed with myself for defaulting to that self-defeating mode.  All of these thousands of years of therapy that I've had, all the hard work that I've done on myself and I still default (at times) to gloom and doom.  This is why I find it incessantly annoying to be human.  Feelings.  Damn then to hell!  Don't even get me started on having to go to the bathroom - ugh!
     Today, I can see that the experience was actually very positive.  The meeting went very well and the woman I met said at least 3 times that she loved talking to me.  We talked about art, fashion, travel, Kate Bush even.  It was a great conversation if nothing else.  So, now, the outcome is not up to me - I showed up and did my best and that's all one can ever do.  I can forgive myself for becoming a gloomy teenager again because at least it only lasted 2 hours instead of 20 years.
     Often I wonder if I will ever figure out my purpose in this world.  Will I ever get to a place where all the pieces fall into place and career-wise it comes together?  I said to a friend earlier that at least all my exploring has made for a rich and colorful life.  I'm pretty sure that the only person on earth who ever thinks I am a failure is me.  One of my lessons in this life is to learn to be gentle and kind to myself, it's the hardest thing for me.  I'd never put up with the BS I inflict upon myself from anyone else.  In fact, I'd send that chump packing for judging me so.  Perhaps I should send that negative, bitter, judge-y part of myself packing - a one way ticket to oblivion please!
     Speaking of packing,  tomorrow I am off to Turks & Caicos for a week long vacation in paradise.  I'm excited to fulfill my rule of going to 1 new place every year and I also plan on leaving my brain at home.  I will not think about anything except the scenery while I'm gone and all the stresses of city life can stay behind in the city.  That is a reality that I have created for myself so, really, life is pretty amazing.