The Skin I'm In

    

 I am very blessed to have many friendships that have lasted over 20 years.  There are least a dozen people in my life that have been there for over 2 decades now - that's a pretty great track record.  I have been fortunate to know so many talented, creative, smart, beautiful, interesting people in my life.  I used to question why this was so.  When I was younger I could never understand why these people would be attracted to me.  I was not a typical kid and I was always treated like an outcast so I took on the identity of the outsider.  The loner, the rebel, the misfit - these were labels I became comfortable with.

     It never occurred to me that maybe the reason that interesting, creative types were drawn to me was because I was one of them too.  There were times when even in a big group of like minded people I felt alone.  All of this stems form low self-esteem and a negative self imagine.  I had experiences as a child that damaged me and because of that I decided that I, too, was damaged.  I felt very comfortable living in victim mode for many years.  This, ultimately,  lead me to want to escape my "self" and the best and easiest way to do that is through mind and mood altering substances.  Not to say that you can't be an addict if you were raised in idyllic surroundings but that's not my story.

     I'm completely convinced that I was already an alcoholic long before I ever picked up and booze or drugs.  I always wanted to escape reality and I was drawn toward devious behavior such as lying and stealing - those things made me feel like I had a dark secret that somehow made me stronger than others.  I was like a superhero but the ones from Bizarro World, the twisted version.  I always say that my addiction was like a Thanksgiving feast that was all laid out and ready to serve as soon as the turkey was done.  In my case, alcohol and drugs were the turkey and as soon as I reached for those things I was off to the races.
     Now, after many years of sobriety, lots of therapy and tons of hard work I appreciate and even love the person I am.  I am even grateful for all the shit I had to endure because it made me strong and resilient and able to conquer my demons.  I used to dress outrageously so that people would look at me and when they did I would sneer and throw daggers with my eyes.   Now, I dress up to feel good and express myself.  You can create a feeling or a mood with clothing and I think it should be fun to get dressed everyday - it's how you present yourself to the world.  No matter how I am dressed I always feel comfortable no matter what my surroundings because underneath the clothes I am comfortable in my own skin.  That's the difference from when I was younger.
     One night a few months back, I was standing on the curb waiting for a friend to pick me up.  This car pulled up to the light, its passengers 4 adults.  The guy in the front seat rolled down the window, looked at me and said "what are you dressed as?"  I looked at him and said in my normal voice "I''m dressed as myself."  He proceeded to say "well, you look horrible!"  I looked back at him and retorted "my, what a lovely thing to say to someone.  I bet your friends are so proud of you right now."
      It had been many years since someone had done the old yell-insults-out-the window-of -a-car trick to me and it seemed so out of place.  I live in Los Angeles, which is supposedly a modern, urban place - not exactly a conservative town.  Instead of making me go inward and feel sorry for myself, it actually made me more proud and happy to be me.  Thank god I don't have to be a grown ass man that needs to hurl insults at strangers in order to feel good about himself.  Someone whose world is so small and narrow could never have gorgeous, interesting, talented friends - like me!