Have you ever wished you could go back in time and make different choices? For sure every human that has ever lived has entertained such thoughts. We have all had grandiose fantasies of, say, going back to pre-war Germany and assassinating Hitler. But on a more personal level what if we could go back and make a more subtle change? Take a slightly different path like in one of those children's novels where you flip ahead to a certain chapter depending on which road you choose and each has a completely different ending.
I was never one of those kids that always knew exactly what I wanted "to be" when I grew up. Sure, at age 6 I thought I'd be a veterinarian simply because I loved animals so much. I'm pretty sure most kids had the same thought at one point - at least the girls and the gay boys did. My life as a child was so fraught with deep and intense emotional turmoil that I really didn't have time to imagine my future. It was such an insurmountable task just to make it through each day without completely unraveling. I was so horribly bullied and tortured by other kids that my inner life was like World War 3 all day long. I don't say this to illicit sympathy but just to paint a picture of what my youth was like. My inner war was so intense that it caused me to double over in pain in the middle of class as I was constantly stricken with a "ghost" illness that could never be properly diagnosed and was always improperly treated. I consumed an unearthly amount of prescription Mylanta as a child - the chalky thickness of that liquid is something I can still taste if I think about it for too long.
Because of the seemingly never ending, gut wrenching pain that I was in I started very early on to look for my own remedy. Something that would save me from what ultimately was myself. I got temporary relief from sugar and it gave me a rush to steal candy as often as I could. I also used to spend hours after middle school in the local arcade and, that too, was a good escape from reality. Really, anything that let me live outside of myself was welcomed with open arms so it was no surprise that I turned to booze as soon as I found out what it did to my inner (& outer) world. It soothed the pain, eliminated the grief and let me become an extroverted version of my shut down, depressed and gloomy child self. Of course, I eventually graduated to the hard stuff and once I found heroin it pretty much was the end of the line. I was off to the races and THANK BOWIE (I have decided to permanently name the deity I pray to after the one and only David Bowie) I got sober before someone had to pick out my casket!
Even in sobriety I was still constantly looking to be rescued. I carried this Disney-fied idea in my head that someday MY prince would also come and whisk me away gallantly on his beautiful, muscular steed and together we would ride off into the sunset and live in a beautiful castle on a hill. For a young, rebellious, goth-y gay boy from Schenectady that took pride in living on the fringe I still was riddled with this BS societal fairy tale about being rescued. Part of it came from an unwillingness to take responsibility for my own happiness, which, honestly, I didn't know was possible for many years. I knew that the circumstances in my childhood that lead to such deep & troubling emotional pain were not my fault but I also, falsely, thought that the world owed me everything because of it. Another grandiose, spoiled, yet not uncommon belief.
I finally had an epiphany after almost 4 years of amazing, terrifying, and life-changing group therapy that I WAS the prince on the white horse! I was the only man that could and would truly resuce myself. I spent decades looking outside of myself for something that was inside me all along. I call that situation standing on one's (G)spot - it's like when you are searching everywhere for the sunglasses that are on top of your head. If you are standing on your own spot then you can't see it and will never find it. All off this seems like "New Age 101" or "Self-Help For Dummies" but it caused an amazingly intense and glorious shift within my self. Once I realized that I could be my own hero and resuce my own damn self it left me open to truly learn how to love. 1st to love myself then to love others and let them truly love me.
Now, I'm quite certain I wouldn't go back in time or if I could I wouldn't change a damn thing except, perhaps, buying certain concert tickets, ha. Taking responsibility for my own happiness and well-being is the best and most beautiful lesson I have ever learned. Sometimes I don't do a great job of it and I let myself be down n the dumps for a little while. But, for the most part I feel like the luckiest guy alive and I know that love is the only rescue.
