NYC Nights

Formika & me NYE 1999-2000

Wow!!  It's been a really long time since I wrote anything and I was feeling the itch to communicate.  I recently was going through old photos - I have a huge trunk full of photos from the 90s and early 2000s, in those days I was never without my Yashica T4 camera and a ton of film.  I pretty much documented my life and the awesome NYC club scene, opposite of the paparazzi I was an invited guest, part of the scene and everyone mugged appropriately for me.  I only went through 4 envelopes of over 300 and I started dividing the photos into groups to send to friends.  Back then I always got doubles and now I have a treasure trove - 1 for me and 1 for you.
     I separted the photos by people and made about 5 stacks that represented some of my closest and most glamorous friends.  The whole time walking down memory lane and being so in those moments again.  I was laughing at how wild we all were and how outrageous and awesome our style was.  I have to say I was pretty impressed I thought we all looked amazing and no one looked glum.  I suppose in those days if you were down you either stayed home or masked it with a ton of booze and powders.  I had an absolute blast stuffing the photos into cards and mailing them off to the friends that were portrayed in them.  These days no one gets mail and certainly no one gets actual photos any longer.  Everything is fast and disposable and then gone.  In an instant (Instagram) the moment is captured and forgotten - no keepsakes in this digital age.
     My dear friend Mistress Formika who ruled the downtown scene back them in stilettos and sky high wigs texted to say he had gotten the photos.  He too was impressed with how wild we were and how the kids these days have no idea what our NYC was like - believe me it is NSFW the places we ran and the things we did there.  One photo in particular of the 2 of us in The Voluptuous Horror Of Karen Black makeup - he painted all white and totally nude and me painted all black with my teeth blacked out and huge white wings around my eyes - really stood out.  If you don't know Karen Black was and still is sometimes the sickest band.  Juvenile cardboard props and dancers performing fright wig kabuki theater to a soundtrack of punky-metal music.  I knew the photo was from the late 1990s but couldn't remember exactly when.  Formika reminded me in was New Year's Eve 1999 into 2000 and all of the sudden the entire night flooded back to me like it was yesterday.
     We were performing at the stroke of midnight with TVHOKB at CBGBs which is now a John Varvatos store.  In fact, The Bowery used to be derelicts, homeless shelters and artists lofts like Nan Goldin and now it's the chic-est street with the most expensive hotels and boutiques.  We got ready across the street at our friend Scott's loft then walked across to CBGBs, Formika totally nude on NYE!!!  It really struck me that I performed at that legendary place!! I mean The Ramones and Blondie and Patti Smith and so many more got their start there and here we were on that very stage nude or mostly nude except for body paint and wigs ringing in the new millennium.  I mean, now that I look back that's fucking legendary and I had totally forgotten all about it.
     The night only began there I mean NYE in the city-that-never-sleeps literally goes on forever.  After the show I ran to my friend Drea DeMateo's house on 2nd Ave between 7th and St Mark's place which, drastically, exploded and burned to the ground last year!!!  I arrived at her house totally painted black looking insane and amazing - always the life of the party.  I hung out for a few hours then jumped in the shower and changed and hightailed it to The Cock to bartend the late late late shift which was like 4am - 8am or so.  Man, those were the days when we packed more into one night than some people do in a lifetime.  We had no idea how amazing and crazy our lives were.  I mean, we had fun but we didn't really know how magical it was.  So many nights were just as legendary as that one.
     I still like to live my life under the guise of the best is yet to come.  I never want to think that my glory days are gone or the the magic has stopped.  Things are different now and, unfortunately, all of my friends no longer live in a 10 block radius.  I'm older and not so wild but I still seek beauty and glitter and magic and love.  The world will always be filled with creativity and no crappy government can trump that out of us artists!!! I believe in magic and I always will.

Birthday

Baby G in Schenectady, 1971

Seeing as my birthday is Monday, Oct. 26 I figured it was a good time to reflect on the past year.  Almost exactly 1 year ago there was a fire at my job at High Voltage Tattoo.  It seemed, at the time, like it was the end of an era and that I'd have to embark on a new journey of, gulp, job searching.  Never been my forte.  I made a few resumes and applied for a few interesting jobs and even had an interview for a very high-end clothing store.  I didn't really want to be looking for another job but I wasn't sure when and if i'd have a job at High Voltage - if it would ever reopen.  

    As luck or fate or destiny or all of the above would have it we were able to stay open at our space next door and, really, I was only out of work for a very short time which I treated like a summer vacation.  The actual shop is just about to be finished being renovated and it looks so friggin beautiful I cannot wait until I go to work everyday in that space.  Luckily, the high-end clothing store didn't pan out because no one really wanted me to leave, nor did I.  I am blessed with a large amount of freedom that my job affords me.  Freedom I would never have in a corporate environment.  I am able to go away whenever I want and even leave work to run to an audition - it's pretty awesome.  I even booked an awesome Slim Jim commercial which is currently airing.  It was a super fun job and the 1st commercial I booked in a while - hopefully, the start of many more bookings.

     Unexpectedly, the year started out with me falling in love with someone 1/2 my age that I met on the interweb.  I broke all my own rules with this one but it taught me a valuable lesson - rules are for chumps. LOL.  Really, though, never say never because I stated out loud after my last break up that I would NEVER do a lot of stuff and I had to eat most of those words (at least words have no carbs or calories.)  This relationship is the opposite of my last one in all of the best ways.  There's a level of intimacy and passion that I was lacking for a very long time.  The kind of intimacy that I craved even though it scared me senseless.  It's hard to admit or even realize that we are the authors of our own destiny and all those jillion years when I was single and miserable I was unable to see the cause - me.  It's hard to work on yourself and to look at the past and see how it affects the future.  Hard but necessary to progress and to free yourself from the baggage that weighs you down.  The good news is that it's always possible and never too late to make positive changes in life.  That's one of the beauties of being human.

     A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of seeing Grace Jones at The Hollywood Bowl for the 2nd time.  She is an astounding and gorgeous force of nature and a true inspiration.  Sexier and wilder and more fashionable than ever and she's somewhere between 60 & 70 - she states in her new biography that even she doesn't know her exact age and also that she doesn't care.  Who says we have to slow down and give up as we age?!  Those are some archaic and outdated ideas for sure.  I will be 45 but I feel like in 25 most days - except when I have to wake up 2 times a night to pee which is the only post 40 thing that I have noticed!!  On good days I still look 32 also - at least that's what my "people" say, hahaha.  People love and respect Grace Jones for who she is & she has never wavered or shrunk away from expressing herself,  All I know is that after that show I have totally redefined my definition of 'aging Grace-fully!"

Ego

Et in Arcadia ego by Guercino, 1618 - 1622

My ego wants to kill me!  I can know and feel something so well and along comes my horrid ego rearing it's ugly head and shattering all my beliefs and knowledge.  I was not happy for the last year or so of my last relationship.  It wasn't as if I was relying solely on my ex to supply all of my happiness, I was completely whole and content when I met him.  My life was full and fabulous and he was like the cherry on top - not necessary for survival but a delicious treat that was a delightful bonus.  Yet, now that it's really over my ego wants me to believe that I failed and that all my hopes and dreams are shattered forever.  My ego wants to cling to some idealized and false version of what was really happening so that now I must suffer and sulk.
     It saddened me to think, at times, that I was about to embark on a lifetime path with someone who was incapable or unwilling to show me the affection and intimacy that I crave and desire.  I understand that, at times, I have an unrealistic and inflated idea of what romantic love is supposed to be, but underneath all that Hollywood romance shit was a genuine desire to feel special, to feel loved.  If the person you are about to marry doesn't even make you feel slightly special and important then, I suppose, marriage isn't the ideal outcome.  I knew all of that, I felt it deep down yet now almost 2 months after the break-up my ego has me suffering and longing for something that never was.
     Each one of us is the star in our own movie about our life.  Because of that literally nothing that another person does in life is about you, it's about them.  The ego has a different way of thinking about things.  The ego wants us to believe that the entire world revolves around us and therefore each and every thing that happens is about us.  This causes tremendous pain and can make something as innocent and as random as an Instagram picture the source of gut wrenching emotion.
     So, what is the solution?  How does one kill the ego before it kills us itself?  I wish I knew a very specific and exact answer to that.  I know for sure (even though I haven't been doing very well at practicing it) that gratitude shuts ego the fuck up.  Being grateful for the things that I DO have and not pining away for the things that I DON'T have causes serenity and peace.  As I've said before, I live in Hollywood and pretty much have created my own life to lead and, for the most part, it's pretty exciting and filled with love.  So, why then must my ego claw it's way into my psyche to destroy the beautiful picture I have painted of myself?!  Perhaps recognizing that this is what is happening is also a major step in ending the ego driven madness.  Maybe our main task in life is to become our own hero to rescue ourselves from and slay the ferocious fire-breathing dragon that wants to kill us.  I can write my own fairy tale and in it love from me to me is what will save the day.

What Is Love?

    

                                                    "The Two Fridas," 1939 by Krida Kahlo.

  What is true love? What is a soul-mate. Who is the "one?" Is there a one, a two, a three, or even a four? Is there a limit to the amount of times actual love presents itself to you?