It saddened me to think, at times, that I was about to embark on a lifetime path with someone who was incapable or unwilling to show me the affection and intimacy that I crave and desire. I understand that, at times, I have an unrealistic and inflated idea of what romantic love is supposed to be, but underneath all that Hollywood romance shit was a genuine desire to feel special, to feel loved. If the person you are about to marry doesn't even make you feel slightly special and important then, I suppose, marriage isn't the ideal outcome. I knew all of that, I felt it deep down yet now almost 2 months after the break-up my ego has me suffering and longing for something that never was.
Each one of us is the star in our own movie about our life. Because of that literally nothing that another person does in life is about you, it's about them. The ego has a different way of thinking about things. The ego wants us to believe that the entire world revolves around us and therefore each and every thing that happens is about us. This causes tremendous pain and can make something as innocent and as random as an Instagram picture the source of gut wrenching emotion.
So, what is the solution? How does one kill the ego before it kills us itself? I wish I knew a very specific and exact answer to that. I know for sure (even though I haven't been doing very well at practicing it) that gratitude shuts ego the fuck up. Being grateful for the things that I DO have and not pining away for the things that I DON'T have causes serenity and peace. As I've said before, I live in Hollywood and pretty much have created my own life to lead and, for the most part, it's pretty exciting and filled with love. So, why then must my ego claw it's way into my psyche to destroy the beautiful picture I have painted of myself?! Perhaps recognizing that this is what is happening is also a major step in ending the ego driven madness. Maybe our main task in life is to become our own hero to rescue ourselves from and slay the ferocious fire-breathing dragon that wants to kill us. I can write my own fairy tale and in it love from me to me is what will save the day.
